I'm New Here

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2005
I'm New Here
6
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 7:07pm

Hello All,

I never thought I would end up getting a divorce (as a matter of fact I am still trying to deal with it). It has been a year since I walked out and I still am trying to cope. I was married for 7 years and together for 11. Sadly, the decision I made was the best decision for me and the kids. The last few years were very trying and at times scary. However, I am finding that it is difficult for me to move on. I can't stop crying and trying to figure out what went wrong, when it went wrong etc.

I quess it has been even harder for me since his girlfriend moved in last month. It is difficult and I am trying to be strong. It seems as soon as I am alone I am unhappy. I hate when the kids are gone.

Please give me some advice on how to move on

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 9:07am

Hugs to you :)


Moving on takes time. For some people it's just that one moment where you think... WOW, I AM ok.. that was the case for me and it's been almost 2 years. Last week I got an email from XH's cousin asking for XH's address so she could mail him an invite to the campout they have for the family. Well, I didn't get mad she was asking me for his address nor did I get upset that I wasn't invited :) AND I gave her OW's name ( they live together ) and sent wishes that I hope they take the kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 9:17pm

Hi,

I'm new here too--I'll be getting divorced next month after a year of separation. And like you, it was the best decision for me and my son, but that didn't make it easy at all. I had a really rough period up until the beginning of this year, and then it started to get easier. Not always, but the bright moments are getting more and more frequent. I spent a lot of time crying at the drop of a hat and doubting myself and being afraid of the repurcussions of what I'd done by leaving, wondering whether I had made the right decision (I did, I just needed reminding sometimes).

Money is still tight, and running the house alone while taking care of my son, working at my full time job and developing a life for myself in my relatively new town (we had moved shortly before I had to leave) takes all my energy and then some. But it was still the right thing to do, and I cling to that.

One thing about your post--the part where you can't stop crying. I'm wondering if you might want to see a counselor. Sometimes situational stress can trigger a depression, and that makes everything that much harder. A counselor could help you assess that and decide what to do about it if you are depressed. Sometimes, a combination of therapy and short term medication can get you back on the track to feeling ok.

On another note, I started doing physical activities anytime my son was with his father. I found being in the house alone wasn't much fun, at least at first, so going and taking a class at the gym or biking or whatever was a way to get out. And eventually, I liked it for its own sake--I met some people and I started getting more fit, which was a nice bonus. And you know what they say about the 'runner's high'--it works for any physical activity, it can really help your mood and outlook.

Good luck to you.
CC

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2005
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 4:12pm


Thanks for your kind words. I have been looking for some type of way to channel my feelings. I have started running again (which I haven't done in years), it seems to relieve a little bit of stress. I think the hardest part for me is trying to figure out how to start over. It seems that all of my friends are friends of both of ours. Since he is back in the couple scene, he is hanging out with all of our old couple friends and I am left out. I feel as if I am being punished because of my decision to leave. I know I made the right decision,(I have to remind myself of that at times). It just seems as if I am struggling and his life is moving without skipping a beat. It is very hard but I know that I will get through all of this. The most important thing I keep telling myself is that I should stop worrying about what he is doing, what he has (that I don't) and so on. Money is tight, and I don't know how to live that way. I have both children and he see's them 2 times a week. I bare all of the responsibility while he has moved on with his girlfriend and her 2 kids.

I think I just don't know what it is like to be alone and when the kids are not here I find myself sitting in this empty house wondering what they are all doing as a "family".

I have considered talking to a counselor, just to work through some of my feelings. I am either crying on angry, there is no middle ground.

I have at least begun to let him know that he can't rely on me to help him with stuff anymore (i.e balance the checkbook, register accounts online etc.) I need to make the clean break, but it is really hard under the circumstances.

I really appreciate your words of widsom and advice. I hope this are well with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2005
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 4:33pm


I can't wait until I am feeling that way. I saw his mother when I went back home this weekend and I couldn't bear to look at her. I was so angry about the way she handle things and the things that she tells my children.

I hope that I can manage to be friendly and not have every sight of him or one of his relatives stir a mound of emotions.

Kudos to you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 9:18pm

Hello,

Oh yeah, I've got some of that going on too--maybe they have a handbook that tells them how to be the biggest jerks possible?? :-) Mine started dating his boss's secretary within weeks of me leaving (actually, who knows when they started). She has a son almost exactly our son's age, and they were then seen all over our small town acting like a new family. It absolutely stank for me. And I did the thing where I felt like I was flailing and he had moved on without missing a beat. And then a friend who'd been through it pointed out all the things I am doing to rebuild my life, and said, you know, he may feel the same way. Also, I needed this time to get my bearings and actually mourn the loss of my marriage, even if it was a bad scene, because I had planned for it to be lifelong. And if I didn't take a break to reassess, heal, etc., I may just do the same thing all over again, and I don't want that.

The odds are good that his life isn't as good as you're making it out to be in your head. He's still the same person, and if he was a creep to you, eventually he'll be a creep to her. It hurts, but you're probably well rid of him. At least that's what I tell myself.

And good call on the not doing stuff for him any more. If he has his replacement family, let her balance his checkbook, etc. And you should take the time you'd otherwise be doing that and do something you enjoy. It doesn't have to cost money; sometimes I just take some food down to the beach for the sunset.

Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2005
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 9:46pm


Hello,

I think they all must read that same handbook (lol). I live in a small town also, and everyone knows us. It is hard at the kids ballgames when he shows up with her. He just moved this new girl in a little while ago, but I know they have had to be together for awhile.

I know how good things were with us in the beginning and I know that he can't change. He is the way he is and I don't believe that there is anything that can change that. So I know that it is a matter of time until she is facing the same problems I did. I am a better person from all of this (still have some work to do) and that I know. I have learned a lot of valuable lessons from all of this. But I also got a lot of bad vibes. I often wonder how I will be able to trust again, how I will be able to have a healthy relationship without just sitting back waiting for it to go bad.

It is not easy being alone. I have turned down many attempted blind dates etc because I have been trying to focus on myself and learn who I am. I think at some point I lost myself, the real me. I have always had a love for photography, but I just didn't have time to enjoy it with working a full time job, caring for a house, 2 kids, a dog, a cat & a husband. I went out last week and I took photos, but it didn't bring me the joy it use too. I think that I need to just let this work its way out of my system, instead of trying to force it out. I think I need to stop trying to be happy, and let it come naturally.

It isn't that I don't want him to be happy... I just want to be happy too. I think at times he forces happiness to just get at me. He sent the kids home last week with a family picture they got taken... It had the ex, the GF, her 2 kids and our 2 kids. I was taken back. I let the kids put it in their rooms, but it just upsets me every time I look at it. I won't use the kids to get at him like he does me.

I hope that you are finding yourself and healing much better than I.

Thanks