I'm new...what should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
I'm new...what should I do?
6
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 10:07am

My situation:
Me 25
Husband 28
Married 3 yrs., together 5 yrs.
No kids, just built new home together, H walked out April 1st.

I will try to keep this short. About a year ago, H told me that he wasn't happy, didn't know if he wanted to stay married, etc. We went to counseling, things got better, he wanted to be with me forever, and we decided to build a house. I was nervous about such a big step after him having doubts, but he assured me that he would never leave, he wanted to take this big step with me.

House was built and a few weeks before closing on it, H told me that he was having doubts again, wasn't happy with me, didn't see me in his future. I convinced him to give it another month to see if things settled down once we moved. We closed on the house, and H decided he wanted a trial separation for 3 months. Then he proceeded to sign a 6 month lease on an apartment (hmmm....a clue perhaps?)

One day on the phone before he moved out on 4/1, I asked him how he was feeling, what was going thru his head...he blew up and said that he was sick of me and he just wanted a separation and a divorce. At this time, I also found out that he had a new "friend" that he had been talking to on the phone daily. This had been going on for over a month. He said they were just friends and then told me he had kissed her a few times!!! Plus, he didn't think it was a big deal and he didn't consider that cheating!

So he moved out, he has called me TWICE in the 2 months he's been gone. We did go out to dinner about a month ago...I was stupid, ended up back at his apartment and we had sex. BIG MISTAKE! After this, I called him a few days later, he regretted what happened, said I came on to him and he was just doing it to make me happy. He said he 100% without a doubt wanted a divorce. Well, you can't be any more clear than that, right?

Here's my dilemma...everyone is telling me that I need to move this along and go ahead and file for a divorce. My H, who wants the divorce so bad, hasn't done a thing to file, hasn't even seen a lawyer. If he wants the divorce, why isn't he going for it? I am not the one that wants a divorce, and because I'm always the responsible one that took care of things for my husband, I don't want this to be another thing that I "take care of" for him. So what should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 10:38am

Oh jules sounds JUST like my exhusband.

He had an affair, moved out, wanted a divorce, had a girlfriend was cheating on me. Wanted a divorce moved all his stuff out but made no move whatsoever towards the divorce. I didn't want the divorce either but it was either I did something towards the divorce or I was to stay married to a man that didn't want me and he lived with his girlfriend forever and continued to disrespect me for the rest of my life and I deserved better than that so I did one last thing to respect myself and I called an attorney and I got the divorce for us.

As much as it pained me to do because I didn't want it, I was not going to let my life be in limbo forever or until he grew tired of his mistress and decided he wanted me back. Needless to say I knew that would have been temporary as well until he found a new mistress to fill the void. Because lets face it, he didn't want ME, he wanted a body to fill the void.

Your story sounds so familiar its scary.

I don't know what to tell you but I will suggest to get into counseling. Living in limbo sucks and he's on the fence, but regardless if he wants the divorce and you don't, do you really want your life on hold forever waiting for him? He's happy as a clam with his new girl right?? how happy are you? Do you want to be jerked around like this? Poop or get off the pot I'd tell him. He can't have it both ways If he wants a divorce what's he doing to get it? Unfortunately as bad as it is, you may be the one that will have to end it as well because he sounds like he's just like my ex he thinks everything will just take care of itself magically.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 3:12pm

Sally,

Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you went through this same situation. There's just no easy way out of dealing with this is there? I know that I will probably have to be the one to initiate this divorce, but I guess part of me doesn't want it on my conscience that I was the one who technically got the divorce.

When I asked my H why he had not seen a lawyer, he said that he couldn't afford one right now. I can (with some generous help from my parents), so where would that leave him if I started the divorce and he couldn't afford a lawyer?

Another thing that continually shocks me is the bitterness I hear in his voice when we talk. He seems to be angry at ME, when it should be the other way around. Is this just a coping mechanism?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 3:22pm
I understand what you are saying. I just wasn't willing to put my life on hold for him. I could honestly say if I waited for him to file I'd still be waiting right now (8 years later) and there is no way I would have done that. So I took charge. We went through a mediator. Total it cost 550 dollars.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 3:45pm

I am sorry you are going through this. My ex also cheated. After the 8th time I had finally had enough. (Trust me, you would not want to be in that position) He was also mean to me to the point it was abusive (NOT physical). I believe he needed to think of me as the “bad guy” to justify his actions. In his eyes I could NEVER do anything right. He told me so every chance he got.

I had all the proof I needed to nail his butt, but “WE” wanted to keep it civil for the kids. We also went through mediation (about $500) to keep costs down. My lawyer (from a recent court matter with him) told me it probably would have cost me about 50K to file on the grounds of infidelity. And, I only would have got about 10% more of the assets. I think I made the right choice. I also had a lawyer review the decree before it was finalized.

Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 7:23pm

Although I'm not in your situation (actually we're the other way around but that's another story...). However, I do have a friend who was in the same position... H actually wanted to stay separated forever so he didn't have to say he was divorced (give me a break!). Anyway, my friend consulted with an attorney who told her that as long as they were married his debts would also be her debts. Because he had a hx of "poor financial decisions" she decided to file. It's a practical viewpoint, and may not be true in your state (I'm in CA), but you should at least find out... just a suggestion :)

dr

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 10:51am

Thanks everybody for making me feel welcome and for the advice.

I'm just constantly at war with my emotions lately...one minute I want this over and done with because why would I want to be with someone who has treated me this way? But then on the other hand, I still love him so much and want to hold out hope that things will turn around. But he told me that he didn't love me anymore and that there was no future for us. How in the world can two people who once loved one another so much now feel so differently? I can't comprehend it.

So here I am in limbo land. I know that I will be okay whatever the outcome...I'm in a much better place now than 2 months ago when he walked out. And I'm glad I found this board! You seem like strong women who have made it through so much, and I admire that.

-Jules