im pissed

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
im pissed
15
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 6:46pm

my husband of 3.5 years started acting unhappy and pretty much assh*le like about a year ago. in august of last year we got in a huge fight. things got heated. At the time I was in my second month of taking fertility drugs. We had been trying to get pregnant for over year at this point so my doctor suggested taking Clomid. I started the argument that day because I was worried about his relationship with a woman coworker of his. They had become very close over the past summer. We actually hung out as a group with her husband as I was friends with him through my work. (we are in our early 30s by the way)

in the middle of this fight, he blurts out "I NEVER WANT KIDS". It was like I was shot in the stomach. I mean we had been trying for over a year and I was on fertility drugs! I was crushed... then pissed. I tried convincing myself that maybe I would be ok not having kids. Or if he was the reason we couldn't get pregnant then I thought, I can seriously get passed it.

Our relationship became very strained. My nephew was born in November and once I saw that little guy and held him after he was born, I KNEW that there was no way I could compromise having kids with my hubsand. He moved out for FOUR DAYS. Then was back at my door step with flowers and the wine from our wedding. Saying everything I wanted to hear.

So because I love his man and thought maybe he just freaked he came home. things improved briefly but not for long. i had a hard time trusting him because of the whole situation. Like maybe we had crossed this line in our relationship and couldn't get back. We argued a lot and his coworker girlfriend became more of an apparent issue (although i didn't have proof he was cheating).

Also, I should add that his hobbies include, sports, sports, and more sports, video games, trading baseball cards, playing poker...etc. I swear sometimes I feel I am living with 16 year old not a 31 year old.

Anyway, we have gotten into several fights.. many of them pretty awful and hateful. He finally told me last monday he wanted to separate. at this point, i'm not really resisting the idea but at the same time I didn't get married to turn around and get divorced. i come from a fammily that stays together (even if disfunctional at times) and i feel like a failure for giving up.

all in all, i don't trust him. and im questioning who he really was all along. he was going through a divorce when i met him and maybe i should have been less naive about the whole thing. i even helped him finanically.

now he is just worried about what crap he gets out of the deal. i kicked him out last week and he moves into an apartment thursday. i am surprised im not more upset and wonder if im in denial or what.

any advice you could give would be great..... if you have time after reading this novel!
lol

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: patches92
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 8:12pm

Sounds to me like you're making the right decision to move out and move on. My stbx and I went through several years trying for our daughter...he had his first affair (that I know of) when she was 6 months old and I was sitting at home with her in the midst of post partum depression. The second affair was shortly after her 2nd birthday.
Having a child together only made our relationship fall apart at a much more rapid pace, to be honest. I love my daughter dearly and she is the best part of him.
I found that while we were trying to get pregnant we fought more than when we were not trying. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that he so easily will blow off visiting our daughter who I consider to be our little miracle!

Good luck with everything and know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.

<a href="http://www.GlitterMaker.com/"><img src="http://www.GlitterMaker.com/created/29175279.gif" width="368" height="127" border="0"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
In reply to: patches92
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 5:52pm

Thanks so much for your reply. I am sorry to hear about your current situation as well. I wonder why guys freak out about kids? It seemed to me that before we started trying our relationship was just great. My stbx is coming over here in a few minutes to get some of his stuff packed up. He officially moves out tomorrow. I am having a hard time today with the decision. I think I'll be happier to move on but I still love him so part of me wants him to stay.

Anyway, hang in there and keep in touch. I know you'll get through this. Just remember your daughter needs her mom. That should keep you plenty busy!

Take care of your self.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
In reply to: patches92
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 6:57pm

Don't feel like a failure. I felt like that as well, but after going through counseling I realized that isn't the way to look at it. Don't you feel like you've been trying really hard to make this marriage work??? How can you really feel like a failure, two people have to make an effort to make a marriage work it's not always hearts and flowers and unfortunately with your hubby confiding in the woman at work well it doesn't really leave much confiding in you does it???

I would imagine that if he's not physically having an affair with her, he's having an emotional one.

I think the statement of not wanting to have children is a pretty powerful one and I think you definitely don't want to compromise on that issue, the stress of trying to have children does put strain on a lot of marriages, however him pulling away and confiding in another woman is not a way to deal with that.

Your husband sounds so much like my exhusband it's not even funny, so immature and not even emotionally ready to be married, do you know why he and his first wife split, probably had a lot of the same issues, it would be interesting to talk to her to find out why...he sounds really immature. YOu might find this to be a blessing in the long run as much as I resisted my own divorce, 8 years later I can tell you it really was the best thing for me in the long run.

Hugs you aren't a failure!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
In reply to: patches92
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 7:33pm

Sally,
I am the type of person that gives credit when credit is due and i just have to tell you..... your note was the best thing I could have read right now. My stbx just left. He was packing up his stuff. I attempted to talk to him about things in general... our relationship, divorce, etc and when I explained to him what made me change in the marriage he couldn't handle it and left. He actually blamed my Dad!

Anyway, I can't tell you how much your words just helped me. Keep in touch. I hope all is well or at least ok on your end!

Thanks sister!

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
In reply to: patches92
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 7:57pm

Oh Thanks Jen...yup Blame...seems to be the easiest way for some to handle things instead of talking to you and trying to discuss things, lets just point fingers and blame, it's just easier than to look in the mirror and maybe look at himself and the choices he's made, heck he's on divorce number two right now right??

My exhusband was on divorce number two by the time he was 31 as well, imagine that...he married his mistress and then was divorced from her by age 31, then about a year ago I saw his profile on match.com and read that he was divorced but don't blame him he was very young when he was married, I thought hmmm yeah he was young when he married me but what is his excuse for wife number 2...hmmmm I'm thinking he doesn't explain that to the girls on the online dating board since then he'd have to explain the whole cheating thing.

You know that Garth Brooks song "UNanswered Prayers" Yup...I think that about sums up my divorce in a nutshell...I look back on all the nights I sat on my floor with no couch, while my exhusband went out whooping it up with his mistress while I had nothing, I was living in a town where everyone was his friends and my family was 2 hours away and I cried so many nights thinking what did I do to deserve this...man...but I went to counseling, went back to college, graduated on my 30th birthday with my bachelors degree, got a better job, got a nicer apartment and he's back living with the guy he was living with when I met him at age 19...oh how his life has come full circle and my life has just begun!!

BLESSINGS MY FRIEND!!! TRUE BLESSINGS!!! I too wanted a baby...your baby will come my dear friend...and it will come with a truly wonderful man that just adores you.

I will tell you a story. My friend Erika, married to this man, that was pretty crappy, she too was on Clomid which made her a raging **B** because it just screws with your hormones so much, he wasn't very nice to her called her the C word whenever they fought, he took a lower paying job working opposite hours, they never saw each other, they were always fighting finally they seperated, she started saying if I only got pregnant, where would we be and I told her, you'd be in the same position but with a baby...because quite frankly that's really what I believed. I don't believe a baby would have really changed the course of events of where she ended up. Literally a year later, she got introduced to a guy that she had a crush on when she was in high school, they got married a year later, they just built their dream house in August and had their first baby in November, I have never heard them even fight, and he has never even called her a B word let alone the C word the man is the sweetest man on earth. You have to close one door for the other to open. Your day will come...don't you worry.

Hugs! My day will come too...I'm' going to have my baby too...with or without my prince! *wink* China isn't far away...hahaha!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
In reply to: patches92
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 9:07pm


Thanks for sharing your story. What a dic*. I mean really, what is wrong with guys. Sometimes I think I'll be single forever now because I don't have the patience to put up with their immature b.s. i do have hopes, however, that I will meet the right guy and have babies. And your right, China isn't too far away!

Not to get too personal but how old are you? I am going to be 32 here soon.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: patches92
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 10:16pm

Sounds like your husband doesn't want to grow up. Too many men "freak" on the cusp of parenthood. I think they want to believe they are still 16 (or 25 etc) and aren't really responsible for anything. A baby would put an end to their "fun" and "independence" in a way they can't grasp. The escalation in fights is just his way of putting distance between you and justifying a split. Given his immaturity he might be doing you a favor. On the other hand I understand why you don't want to give up without trying. The thing is you can't make another person want the same things you do. I would have serious second thoughts about parenting with him.

Get some objective advice from a professional if you can. Some time and space will give you some perspective too. Hang in there. Life takes odd turns but it can turn out really well in the end.

Wisdomtooth

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
In reply to: patches92
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 10:23pm
I'm 32 turning 33 in May!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: patches92
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 8:13am

It is insanely dishonest of your H to wait THIS long to tell you he NEVER wanted children. That is very decietful, and in my opinion, a deal-breaker in a marriage.


It sounds like your H suffers from Peter Pan syndrome, and boy am I familiar like that. My STBX is 33 years old. The way I look at it is, if he hasn't grown up by now, I really don't think there's a lot of hope. My STBX was also involved in a million things that kept him out of the home as much as possible...poker (ALSO!), happy hours, movies, three meals out per day, etc. And trust me, after we had our son, it only got worse, not better. I'd hate to see you in that position.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
In reply to: patches92
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 4:35pm


Hey.. im going to be 32 in May.. are you a fellow Taurus? I would write more but the stbx is going to be here any minute to move out. And it is raining cats and dogs... wow I hope his extensive baseball card collection doesn't get ruined! Yes, I am feeling a bit bitter today.

Thanks again for your words of wisdom. Hope to stay in touch. I will probably be back on later!

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