im pissed
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| Tue, 04-04-2006 - 6:46pm |
my husband of 3.5 years started acting unhappy and pretty much assh*le like about a year ago. in august of last year we got in a huge fight. things got heated. At the time I was in my second month of taking fertility drugs. We had been trying to get pregnant for over year at this point so my doctor suggested taking Clomid. I started the argument that day because I was worried about his relationship with a woman coworker of his. They had become very close over the past summer. We actually hung out as a group with her husband as I was friends with him through my work. (we are in our early 30s by the way)
in the middle of this fight, he blurts out "I NEVER WANT KIDS". It was like I was shot in the stomach. I mean we had been trying for over a year and I was on fertility drugs! I was crushed... then pissed. I tried convincing myself that maybe I would be ok not having kids. Or if he was the reason we couldn't get pregnant then I thought, I can seriously get passed it.
Our relationship became very strained. My nephew was born in November and once I saw that little guy and held him after he was born, I KNEW that there was no way I could compromise having kids with my hubsand. He moved out for FOUR DAYS. Then was back at my door step with flowers and the wine from our wedding. Saying everything I wanted to hear.
So because I love his man and thought maybe he just freaked he came home. things improved briefly but not for long. i had a hard time trusting him because of the whole situation. Like maybe we had crossed this line in our relationship and couldn't get back. We argued a lot and his coworker girlfriend became more of an apparent issue (although i didn't have proof he was cheating).
Also, I should add that his hobbies include, sports, sports, and more sports, video games, trading baseball cards, playing poker...etc. I swear sometimes I feel I am living with 16 year old not a 31 year old.
Anyway, we have gotten into several fights.. many of them pretty awful and hateful. He finally told me last monday he wanted to separate. at this point, i'm not really resisting the idea but at the same time I didn't get married to turn around and get divorced. i come from a fammily that stays together (even if disfunctional at times) and i feel like a failure for giving up.
all in all, i don't trust him. and im questioning who he really was all along. he was going through a divorce when i met him and maybe i should have been less naive about the whole thing. i even helped him finanically.
now he is just worried about what crap he gets out of the deal. i kicked him out last week and he moves into an apartment thursday. i am surprised im not more upset and wonder if im in denial or what.
any advice you could give would be great..... if you have time after reading this novel!
lol

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I am so cracking up. My guy collects all that stuff too.... what a bunch of dorks! lol
my stbx, just moved out tonight. my good friend just left here. i am actually doing ok. he tried to hug me on his way out and that is the only time i got emotional.
anyhoo, hope all is welll on your end.
You know when mine did his stuff I was suppose to be leaving for vacation, I wanted to have a portable cd player of his that he no longer really needed since he bought himself a new truck that had a cd player in it, so I called him and asked him if I could please have it he said yeah I'll bring it down after work tommorow I'm going to come move some stuff out, I said well I wish you would have called and made arrangements with me beforehand because I"m leaving on vacation and I'm leaving straight from work, so he's like well if you want the cd player (which I did for vacation) you better let me move stuff out, I should have just said, well I'll see you when I get back then and I'll buy my own they are only 50 dollars but I was only making 9 dollars an hour back then but I should have just called my dad and he probably would have ran right out and bought me one just to spite him. LOL So anyhow I let him bully me into letting him come over and move out with all his friends so I didn't cry because I wasn't going to let them see me cry so after about 30 mins I said I had to leave and he's like I'll lock up I said I don't think so, I made him move all they needed to move on the porch and I locked the door behind me and told my landlord that I was leaving and to make sure nobody did anything to the property up there. Then I was okay I just kind of listened to music and I went to a family party but as soon as I saw my dad I burst into tears. Those were really tough times, he was cheating on me, so it was really tough because he was traisping her around town and we lived in a really small town it was really hard because his family was well known so my last name was well known, I remember going to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription once and this girl I met ONCE at a party when I was 19 (we were seperating when I was 26)and she's like sorry about you and Mike and I was looking at her nametag trying to figure out who she was it was so humiliating. It was hard to get myself to go anywhere in town, a lot of times I'd go to the grocery store around where I worked before I got home because there was less chance of bumping into someone from town there. I kind of lived like a hermit a little that first year. (Plus the fact there were no friends or family around and the friends I thought were close turned out not to be so)....its not an easy thing...but I realized I wasn't as weak of a person as I thought I was...man and he found out too the day we seperated when I no longer shed any tears about us and wished him well, hoped he'd get helped and drove away, he looked like I just shot his puppy and was still standing in the same spot when I was up at the top of the hill from the parking lot. To be honest I was giving myself imaginery high fives in the car, how lame am I? ROFL LMAO
I think you are doing great patches!!!! and good for you for having your friend there for support.
Hey there...
I haven't read the other posts, so I don't know what advice you've all ready received... but... you aren't giving up... everything that you wrote said that you've been trying to work to hold your marriage together... that is admirable, but you can't make someone do what he doesn't want to do and you can't make someone into someone he's not...
A lot of what you said reminded me of my xh and my situation... he wanted to separate and there was a "friend" at work, nothing was going on according to him, but the week after our divorce was finalized, he moved out of state with her and they're getting married in October (we have been divorced two years)... the juvenile behaviors you listed also rang true... my xh did a lot of the staying out all night drinking and partying... there were days he wouldn't come in until 4 am and then get upset with me when I had to leave for work and our son was up and needed someone to watch him... well, I'll just put him back in the crib... ok, go ahead, but while you've been gone, he learned to climb out... then I'll spank him till he stays in there... as a mom, I was thinking WTF? He's your child too, grow up...
While that time was very traumatic for me, and while I didn't get married to get divorced, eventually I knew it was the only option. xh continued to show no interest in his son and was more and more angry and evil towards me...
I would consider some counseling... either for the two of you (if he's willing) or for yourself... to determine exactly what you really want at this time... if you really want children, I do not think that that is something that can be compromised... every time you see a little one, you're likely to feel resentment, which in the end, can kill a relationship...
I'm not saying which way you should go, but carefully examine your options and listen to your heart and your mind... Keep in mind that no man is worth tears and the ONE who is would never make you cry...
Good Luck and Keep us posted!
Julie
wow - just when i awarded my ex the 'best husband award' - you come along with this story. i am sooo sorry for your pain!
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you are not a failure, in fact - YOU did try to go along with him all along. you went along with his acting like a frat boy. you went along with his not wanting kids. you went along with him having an inappropriate relationship with another woman.
and why do you think that staying together is the right answer? it isn't. in fact, i am pretty sure that many of the divorces TODAY are a result of having grown up in dysfunctional families that STAYED TOGETHER.
leaving an unhealthy marriage is smart - not a sign of failure. I only want to give you one bit of advice - you say that there were some signs while you were dating, and the fact that you dated while he was going thru a divorce etc. it will be a good idea for you to get some therapy for yourself, to give you a self esteem boost so that NEXT time you will know how to read the signs and run from danger.
good luck
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