I'm Putting My Foot Down!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
I'm Putting My Foot Down!
16
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 12:57pm

That's it. My ex needs to see a psychiatrist or something b/c Im not taking his abuse anymore. From the argument Monday night we had, we called a truce or so I thought. I told him he needed to give me a certain level of respect like I give him. Okay, he agreed. He calls me when Im on the way home from picking up our son, asking if he could come over, he's "in the neighborhood". I told him fine to meet me at the corner grocery store. So Im buying some cold cuts to make for dinner and he asks if there will be enough for me to make a sandwich for him. I said fine. I mean he has bought me food since the breakup, im not that petty.

By the time we get to my floor, she calls. Fine, he stays in the hallway and talks, not for long. I go to make the sandwiches, he's in the livingroom, maybe 15min have passed and I hear him talking again. Whatever, Im dealing with it, he's not with me anymore right. Now the sandwiches are ready, I bring them out and it's the third time she calls, now Im getting aggravated. I make eye contact to let him know it. He holds up his hand as if to say 1 minute but doesnt say a word. Now im pissed. At least acknowledge me. He got off I gave him a piece of my mind. He said next time he would acknowledge me. Fine he stayed for only about an hour. When leaving said he may be in the area the next day and if I wasnt having company would want to come over, we hugged which I regret now. He starts walking down the hallway, my son is saying I Love You in the hallway and she calls AGAIN. Crazy.

When I went to throw away garbage my son went to the elevator day hitting the door saying Daddy, Daddy. Oh god, it was breaking my heart. About 1hr passed & I called him to tell him what he did. He talked to him on the phone a bit then he asked if he could pick him up in the morning so we were trying to get the schedule together, he asked me to hold on a couple of times and then I asked him what time would he bring him home and he's like I'll call you in the morning to finish talking about this. The mornings for me are really hectic so I said just answer my ?. He started getting an attitude with me. Then it hit me what was happening, she must have been pissed off he was talking to me. I told him so this is how your going to act, this is not respect and hung up.

He calls me like an hour later, arguing with me saying I called him on purpose trying to prolong a conversation knowing he would be with her and I expect him to call me every night to talk etc. I tried to reason with him telling him hey we were not discussing any "personal business" between us, it was regarding our son, why cant she understand and respect that. I said why cant you respect me when around her your around her. She calls you 5 or 6 times when your here he's like she can do that. I said it's not my fault she's insecure and doesnt trust you. I said YOU should let her know there are times that we have to talk and you may be with her and she should wait until were done. It's not like were telling each other how we love each other or something. He's saying if he's on the phone with me and she starts getting upset he's hanging up. So I said what if were discussing our son your gonna tell me that conversation doesnt matter if she cant handle it and he like pretty much. If he says he gotta go, i should just hang up b/c i may not care if she's upset but he does. And he tells me he wants to be friends and cares for and will always love me. That BA$%^RD! After he was just eating my food.

When it's just me and he and she doesnt call he will be nice and it's like as soon as she comes into the picture it's like he goes out of his way to show her I dont mean crap to him. Im sick of it! I cant take it anymore. It's not supposed to be like this. Then he tells me that if im not gonna respect that when he has to hang up that's that, that when he's with her and I call he just wont answer his phone and I just have to leave him a message and he wont know if it's important or not. WHAT! That Son of A Bi^*h. How dare he talk to me like this. I told him Im giving you a choice right now but this is how it's gonna go. Either you will show me respect whether your around her or not or we have nothing else to do with each other. So you can let her know that if we are discussing our son and she's there she needs to deal with it and grow up and if you cant then im not taking it. I said this is how it has to be for me! He held his ground, will not do things the way I said so I told him you want to be that way no problem and hung up.

He didnt call to ask to pick up the baby this morning, no surprise. He's a Loser

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 1:47pm
luvred....
I have been lurking on this board for a little while and have read a few of your posts.This man sounds like he is a self-absorbed jerk who doesn't care about you too much...he cares more about getting his ego stroked by your care and attention until it interferes with him getting it stroked by his little tart.Then its an inconveince because right now he cares more what the ow thinks then what you think.Does that mean your any less of a special deserving person?Heavens No!It means that he doesn't realize or care what he had/has in you as a friend and mother of his child and that makes him a loser and someone you dont need. You sound as if you want him to love you and respect you...hun you dont need him...especially if hes the loser i see him to be on my screen. You are too good for his games and to be needing him.He has shown his true colors and you should only want him to come around for your son...which sounds like i wouldn't hold my breath for. Don't go out of your way for this man anymore,he only uses you.
Next time hes too busy to come see your son or he asks for him last minute,tell him your sorry but *HE* will have to plan better next time,your busy mothering your son and being a compassionate responsible person...just my .02$.
Hugs...you'll get through this!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 2:35pm

Thanks for your input. His "little tart" I like that one. Your absolutely right though. It's a pattern with him. In a day or two he will apologize for things never change with him. It lasts for a little while and that's it. I deserve better than him. He doesnt even have a job right not. He lost that, and his Ford Expedition Truck. He is a big jerk, who doesnt even care about our son b/c if he did he would have picked him up to spend quality time with him. He's been out of work for months and I can count on one hand the number of times he's taken him for the day. We deserve way better.

It just breaks my heart b/c last week when my son saw a truck like his he was trying to go over to it saying Daddy, Daddy. Then again last night after he left and we later went to throw out the trash he went to the elevator door hitting the door saying Daddy Daddy. It's like my son misses him and it hurts me so much. This is a new thing with my son now and its almost unbearable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 2:53pm

Luvred, what if you started acting like you don't care? What would happen if you didn't react and didn't argue and simply didn't act like anything he does is a big deal?

Seems like there are a lot of confrontations and arguments and stuff... what if you just "didn't"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 4:07pm

Okay, the thing is ive tried being nice. But there HAS to be a certain level of respect dont you think. Do you think he has the right to when we are discussing something concerning our son and b/c his "21 yr old gf" gets jealous he should disrespect me to please her. Im still the mother of his child. I treat him with respect. I let him come to my house and see his son. He gets the comfort of laying on my couch, sometimes even getting a dinner out of the visit. He watches my t.v. comes there and acts like he still lives there. He didnt mind last week when he was laying in my bed with me watching t.v. while I was helping him with his razor bumps. Listen I know Ive done some things wrong with him as far as crossing certain boundaries setting the stage up for him to think he can use me. But its not right to take advantage of someone when you know they still love you and care for you. But when she's not around he tells me how he cares for me and will always love me.

I could have been nasty and make him take the baby out in the cold or hot sun or make him sit outside on the curb or something when he comes for his visits. I've tried to be cordial, decent, caring.

He is supposed to show me respect as the mother of his son at the very least. Im not asking for him to say I love you to me or talk dirty to me or even take me out on dates. Just be respectful. He hardly sees our son and yesterday he came for a visit for only an hour and she called him 5 times.

He has no problem giving her the upmost respect in my face. But will treat me like crap in front of her. Who the heck is she. She's not better than me! She got involved with a man with 3 kids with 2 different women. Naturally him and I have to talk sometimes. We have a 2yr old together. And as long as the conversation is pertaining to our son and im not trying to talk to him about my personal problems then she needs to respect that. He should not let any woman come between that. That's how I feel about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 4:46pm

hi luvred
I agree,he should be respectful and caring,but he isn't.He doesn't see the value in it,sadly.I don't think that is your fault at all.Its his problem and you can't fix it for him or make him realize it....no matter how much sense it makes.Right now he sees more value and joy in pleasing other woman.You cannot change that.What you can do is protect yourself.You still have feelings for him,which is understandable,but you cannot make him have those for you.I get the feeling he likes having the close freindship with you while your also on the backburner(when its convienent for him)and when you push him away or have healthy boundaries he tries to lure you in again....its all an ego stroking game to him.
Please set healthy guidelines.This man cannot be your friend,his actions prove that.Be civil yes!Friends,not now....maybe years down the line when he has proven himself or the games he plays dont hurt.Tell him to set up child visits somewhere other than your home...if he has an excuse tell him its up to him.Don't tell your son about the visits until daddys there.I know its hard seeing your son upset,but try not to feed into it with talking negatively...just tell him he'll see his father another time and let him know you'll always be there for him and love on him lots.Make him secure in you!Also i'm sure he is insecure because he feels the hurt in you too.I'm not saying your wrong,i'm just saying you cant change this man,he has to do it on his own.All you can control is you and your expectations of this hurtful selfish person,which i wouldn't have any at this point. I know it must hurt.Take care and know we wish the best in the hard place your at.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 4:58pm
thank you so much. It is hard but I know i have done the right thing in setting this boundary, now I just have to pray for strength to keep it. It's hard when you love someone and you see them being so destructive and hurtful like he's crying out for help. but I know cant fix it for him or change him. I just have to be a little selfish myself for a change. Put myself first. I truly cant be his "friend" right now, its too painful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 5:06pm

"I treat him with respect. I let him come to my house and see his son. He gets the comfort of laying on my couch, sometimes even getting a dinner out of the visit. He watches my t.v. comes there and acts like he still lives there. He didnt mind last week when he was laying in my bed with me watching t.v. while I was helping him with his razor bumps."

If your boundaries are too loose, you will be hurt. You give him a lot more than just respect, and you expect he will reciprocate. But he has made it quite clear that he will not. He has no intention of doing so.

He has told you where you stand. If his GF wants to interrupt you, he will let her. If she wants to be furious that he is at your place, he will let her. THAT is where you stand. So continuing to let him lounge on your couch is not a good choice for you. You are giving him much more than what he has clearly stated he will give you. Will he let you go to HIS house and lie on his couch? No? So OF COURSE you are hurt, because you are giving too much.

In some ways you are still treating him like a boyfriend. Perhaps your heart and head may need a cooling down period? Time to learn again how to treat him like a somewhat respected/respectful near-stranger? You mentioned making him take his son out... this is not a bad thing. This is not a punishment. This is a good way for you both to know/remember/learn that you two are not a couple anymore. This is a good way for you to learn again that your space is YOUR space, he doesn't get to invade it. He gave up his rights to do that.

As long as you keep willingly GIVING, he will keep taking. And he thinks he doesn't have to give you anything in return. 'Cause he has seen it again and again: you will just keep on giving. I am very glad to hear that you have had enough. Now, when you put your foot down, where exactly are you going to it? LOL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 5:48pm
I hear what you are saying. I agree with you. But it just makes me feel like there's something wrong with me that he doesnt want to be with me. That he will treat her so much better than me. I gave him all my love for over 5 years, took him in my heart and cared for him, cooked, cleaned, did everything for him and this is how he treats me, I gave him a son. What did this young girl do that was so much better than me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 7:08pm

Oh, honey, I know how that hurts... My stbx left me for a younger, prettier woman, even though I had been with him almost ten years (five dating, four more married). It is nothing you did. I know my saying it won't make it better, because people say it to me all the time. But think of this - if he did it to you, he will do it to her. And didn't you say there was someone before you, too? If he treats you with disrespect, he will disrespect her as soon as the shine wears off. Trust me.

I think maybe it is time for you to consider the "no contact" rule. I know you will have to modify it due to your son, but I think it is a very worthwhile thing. My stbx was calling me night and day, saying he loved me but wasn't in love with me, and telling me other lies. I used to get off the phone feeling like I just went ten rounds with Muhammad Ali, then got run over by a dump truck. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I made no secret of the fact that I still loved him, (still do), and he used that as an excuse to call - allegedly to see if I was ok. Finally, I realized I was less ok every time he called. In fact, it was making me worse and worse. But it made him feel GREAT. See - he knew I still loved him. He knew my life was a disaster without him. He knew I was home alone at night, he knew I would cry, he knew he could count on me. And he could compare how well he was doing with new gf to how I was. He could compare her attitude (she hadn't been hurt by him!) to my attitude. He could compare how he felt with her to how he remembered me. He was stroking his own ego. He was assuring himself that the little woman was still at home waiting, a safety net.
Finally, I got up the courage to tell him not to call anymore. No dropping by. If he needed to speak to me, he could e-mail or leave a voicemail while I was at work, and I would contact him with a good time for the conversation. It was destroying me. I needed the space. I needed to try to get on my feet again. I couldn't do that with him pushing all the air out of me everytime we spoke.
With you, I think it is very important that you see someone about setting up a visitation schedule, and telling him to stick to it. I think you need to stop answering his calls. Let him leave a message - call him back only if it is something important to do with your son, otherwise erase the tape. Don't let him drop by. Don't feed him. Don't let him lounge on your couch - when you see him try that, say hey - you don't live here - don't do that. I don't go to your place and do that. Straighten up - or get out. And that is only if you absolutely HAVE to let him in. You need to see about child support. RIGHT AWAY. If you let him get away with it now, he will forever. Yes, it will hurt. Maybe you will have to cut off some of the contact between him and your son - but this is a choice HE made, when he left you for OW. Not you. You are simply dealing with the consequences.

The less contact you have, the easier you will heal. I won't lie and tell you I am healed. I am not. Some days I would LOVE to hear his voice - I almost pick up the phone to call his answering machine, just to hear it. But I won't let myself. I have to move on. He has.

Good luck.
L

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 9:36pm

No, I disagree... It's not like you have to act like you care... You just don't care.

You don't care what he does or who he sees or what she does or how stupid she acts.

You are in total control of everything.

He doesn't want to see his kid? Fine!

She's being a moron and calling constantly? Fine!

Apathy. All apathy. It will get you far.

My guess is that if you don't work yourself up so much you'll find it much easier to deal with it all.

Heck, he's a dork, she's an idiot, you're not. Act like nothing bothers you and nothing will.

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