I'm Putting My Foot Down!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
I'm Putting My Foot Down!
16
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 12:57pm

That's it. My ex needs to see a psychiatrist or something b/c Im not taking his abuse anymore. From the argument Monday night we had, we called a truce or so I thought. I told him he needed to give me a certain level of respect like I give him. Okay, he agreed. He calls me when Im on the way home from picking up our son, asking if he could come over, he's "in the neighborhood". I told him fine to meet me at the corner grocery store. So Im buying some cold cuts to make for dinner and he asks if there will be enough for me to make a sandwich for him. I said fine. I mean he has bought me food since the breakup, im not that petty.

By the time we get to my floor, she calls. Fine, he stays in the hallway and talks, not for long. I go to make the sandwiches, he's in the livingroom, maybe 15min have passed and I hear him talking again. Whatever, Im dealing with it, he's not with me anymore right. Now the sandwiches are ready, I bring them out and it's the third time she calls, now Im getting aggravated. I make eye contact to let him know it. He holds up his hand as if to say 1 minute but doesnt say a word. Now im pissed. At least acknowledge me. He got off I gave him a piece of my mind. He said next time he would acknowledge me. Fine he stayed for only about an hour. When leaving said he may be in the area the next day and if I wasnt having company would want to come over, we hugged which I regret now. He starts walking down the hallway, my son is saying I Love You in the hallway and she calls AGAIN. Crazy.

When I went to throw away garbage my son went to the elevator day hitting the door saying Daddy, Daddy. Oh god, it was breaking my heart. About 1hr passed & I called him to tell him what he did. He talked to him on the phone a bit then he asked if he could pick him up in the morning so we were trying to get the schedule together, he asked me to hold on a couple of times and then I asked him what time would he bring him home and he's like I'll call you in the morning to finish talking about this. The mornings for me are really hectic so I said just answer my ?. He started getting an attitude with me. Then it hit me what was happening, she must have been pissed off he was talking to me. I told him so this is how your going to act, this is not respect and hung up.

He calls me like an hour later, arguing with me saying I called him on purpose trying to prolong a conversation knowing he would be with her and I expect him to call me every night to talk etc. I tried to reason with him telling him hey we were not discussing any "personal business" between us, it was regarding our son, why cant she understand and respect that. I said why cant you respect me when around her your around her. She calls you 5 or 6 times when your here he's like she can do that. I said it's not my fault she's insecure and doesnt trust you. I said YOU should let her know there are times that we have to talk and you may be with her and she should wait until were done. It's not like were telling each other how we love each other or something. He's saying if he's on the phone with me and she starts getting upset he's hanging up. So I said what if were discussing our son your gonna tell me that conversation doesnt matter if she cant handle it and he like pretty much. If he says he gotta go, i should just hang up b/c i may not care if she's upset but he does. And he tells me he wants to be friends and cares for and will always love me. That BA$%^RD! After he was just eating my food.

When it's just me and he and she doesnt call he will be nice and it's like as soon as she comes into the picture it's like he goes out of his way to show her I dont mean crap to him. Im sick of it! I cant take it anymore. It's not supposed to be like this. Then he tells me that if im not gonna respect that when he has to hang up that's that, that when he's with her and I call he just wont answer his phone and I just have to leave him a message and he wont know if it's important or not. WHAT! That Son of A Bi^*h. How dare he talk to me like this. I told him Im giving you a choice right now but this is how it's gonna go. Either you will show me respect whether your around her or not or we have nothing else to do with each other. So you can let her know that if we are discussing our son and she's there she needs to deal with it and grow up and if you cant then im not taking it. I said this is how it has to be for me! He held his ground, will not do things the way I said so I told him you want to be that way no problem and hung up.

He didnt call to ask to pick up the baby this morning, no surprise. He's a Loser

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 9:46am

All of you have offered some great advice. I do know when I do have "nc" I do feel alot better. I also realize that I do still in some ways think we are "together" as does he but my feelings are based on still loving him even though I wonder how I still do but his are based on just what he can get from me at the time. He doesnt truly care for me and love me like he claims. I have to get control of MYSELF.

It's been 1 day so far of "nc", so here I go again. The longest ive lasted was 8 days and God it was great. I can do it. I will do it.

Thanks guys. From the bottom of my heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 12:12pm
luvred-
Instead of looking at it as a lack of respect for you, look at her calls as what they really are - a sad statement about her insecurity when he's around you. Look at it from her point of view - she's young, probably not secure about herself in general, and has to deal with you and your child in her boyfriend's life, but he's not just taking his son for visitation, he's instead spending time with the two of you. She feels she has to call repeatedly when he's there so he doesn't have a chance to do anything behind her back. I feel sorry for her-I wouldn't want to live my life that way.
When he comes for visitation, keep him at arm's length. No physical contact. Maybe while he's spending time with the baby, you could be reading a book/doing crafts/catching up on housework in another room. You shouldn't let yourself fall into his visiting feeling like family time.
As for you feeling like he treats you disrespectfully, as long as you feel like you can "expect" him to act a certain way, like a friend should, you're leaving yourself open for disappointment. You can't compare how he's treating you now to the way he treats the new girl. I can't remember the exact quote, but basically it says that the person you divorce is not the same person you married... Unfortunately you're going to get to deal with the less pleasant aspects of his personality a lot more than someone he's trying to impress (the new girl) will.
-sang
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 12:55pm
You are so so right girl. You know what's even more sad is that the jerk has twins with the "ow" that he cheated on me with when we were together. I kicked him out he moved in with her, got her pregnant with twin girls, left her when she was rougly 4 months pregnant and now has this 21yr old. So she has to deal with "2 baby's mommas" and "three kids". I am actually damn lucky I dont have to worry about that crap anymore. LOL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 1:05pm

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I JUST LOVE THIS!!! I am going to remember this - it is my mantra for the day!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 6:03pm
Wow its like im reading my life. I am actually going through the same thing in a way, but Ive set boundaries w/my ex. Its funny I can tell when he calls me whether or not she is around by the way he treats me. My son is also 2 too and it is hard, but like browngirlie ive come to the same census, when he calls and we talk i feel horrible and i start to hurt all over again, but if i dont talk to him, yes i miss him, but i start to feel a little stronger and a whole lot better. Just reading these msgs im starting to think the same thing, that my ex is just using me to stroke his ego too. I just wanted to thank you guys for posting these msgs, it helps to know im not the only one going through this. So for now, im gonna be strong and not answer his calls and just call back if needed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 9:25am

Girl, its soooo true. I do feel great when I dont talk to him. My sister's friend who was with her kids father for 12 years said when she finally had enough and got rid of him, he would do the same things to her. Be nice when it was just them and as soon as his new gf was around treat her like she was garbage. then they always want to try to apologize, say they were stressed or some excuse. My ex has done it to me time and time again and I kept falling for it. His life is so this and that and stressful, blah, blah, blah, gee I wonder why its like that. HE DID IT!

As usual, last night he called. first my house, then my cell, then an hour later called my cell then my house again. I didnt answer and im not unless it pertains strictly to our son. The first time he left messages for me call him. I laughed while listening, call him for what? Because his little tart wasnt around and he needed an ego boost to feel better about himself. Not anymore, not from me. He has another baby's mama he can get that from. Hell she lets him drive "her car" and he picks up the gf in it. What an a$$h&*e.

I think we tend to focus on the "good things" when we were with them therefore feeling we have lost something and the new girl has "won". But we no longer have to track their every move wondering what they are doing and who they are doing. I wouldnt give up that peace of not having to worry about that for nothing in the world. It must be hell having to wonder if your bf is still sleeping with one of his ex's when he goes to visit his children. LOL, she wanted him, she has him 150%.

I have always given him MY power, and now Im taking it back for myself. See whenever he's in trouble he would run to me to make it all better. Lets see how he does when his stability, his safety net (ME) is taken away. He butt is gonna FALL!

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