I'm scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
I'm scared
26
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 1:10pm
My divorce was final in December. But since then I've been trying to maybe work things out with ex. We all spend time together as a famliy (we have a 20 month old son). But it's not taht frequently. We (son and I) live with my parents. He's currently living with his Mom in a tiny one bedroom apartment. We have joint legal custody. i have sole physical custody. He has visitation every Thursday night from 6-9 (although we do 8 since that's his bedtime). And every other Saturday and Sunday (no overnights yet), from 9-6. He recently started (yet another) new job. He'd only been unemployed 2 months this time (as oposed to almost 2 years last time). And this job at least right off the bat won't afford him weekends off (it's a landscapeing place). SO i agreed at least until he gets more seniority that he can have him a day (or two) on his day off during the week. Today i tell him that our son, my mom, and my two brothers (ages 18 and 21) will be going on vacation June 1-6. I do't know what possessed me to tell him this far out. I knew he'd be mad. But he's SUPER mad. He's already called the courts and set up a date for mediation so he can try to stop the vacation (at least stop our son from going with me). I don't know what legal rights I have. I don't know if I can have a lawyer present at this mediation, I don't know anything abotu this. I thought things were going to be be able to be handled reasonably, but I should ahve known better. He told me this afternoon when I dropped him off "You've hurt me for the last time, now it's time for you to hurt". I have no doubt that he will make s**t up if he has to to try to discredit me or make me look like a bad mother, who knows what the hell he will do. He has nothing to lose. I have everything to lose. He says he's going to make my son and I move out of my parents house (I have a self (by him) appointed deadline of July 1 to get out of the house) .. honetly right now it's just best for everyone that we are there. Then he says he's goign to get him out of there earlier than that. If they were to take him out of the house, where he hell would he go? no one in his family is capible of taking him in. So he'd go to foster care. And then he tells me that he'd be better off in foster care because I don't reall care about him. I just don't know what to do. My lawyer told me I should really consider NOT giving him joint-legal custody, but I did it anyhow. Stupid, stupid me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
In reply to: klo73
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 3:16pm

I don't think you have anything to worry about at this point. He would have to prove without a doubt that you are unfit. It sounds to me that he would be unable to do that especially since you have sole physical custody. Uless there are drugs or some other harmful things going on where you live he can't tell you where you can or cannot live with your son.

Do you have legal council? If not maybe through legal aide or a womens shelter you would be able to get some advice. If he becomes threatening or tries to keep your son then call police and or the women shelter for help.

My x and I are each allowed to have the girls for two weeks in the summer for vacation. Neither of us can tell the other where we can or cannot go. The only stipulation we have is that if we take the kids out of the jurisdiction then we must provide an EMERGENCY phone number.

Hope all goes well keep us updated.

K:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: klo73
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 3:27pm

He can't keep you from going on vacation with your child. I have heard of CP keeping NCP from taking children out of state for vacation, but never the other way around. With sole physical custody, you have a lot of discretion on decisions that relate to your child. Joint legal gives him the right to have a say on schooling and medical decisions, and other similar decisions, but will not usually prevent you from going on a trip with your child.

If you are worrying about him making stuff up, start documenting everything. Keep a journal (I have seen a spiral notebook suggested as the best way, they can see you didn't add any pages later). Every day document what you did - things like "ds ate 3 good meals, went to sleep on time" and "saw pediatrician for scheduled checkup, ds is healthy and doctor had no concerns." Keep recent picutres with you that shows ds is happy and healthy. You should also be documenting things like "agreed to be flexible with visitation and let ex have ds on Tuesday during the day since he works Saturday." This type of log book is not the most full proof evidence, but along with pictures and copies of good doctor reports, it will show a judge or a mediator that your son is in good hands and it will do a lot to discredit any negative accusations your ex makes. If he says "she denied me visitation in March" and you can pull out your notebook and say "I recorded here that on 3/15 he called me at 2pm and said he could not take ds that weekend because he had to work, and I offered the following Monday as a substitution, which he accepted" that will do a lot to take any wind out of his sails.

Definitely take an attorney with you to any mediation. It can never hurt to have one, but sometimes you can get caught of guard without one. If he says anything untrue to the mediator, just respond with a simply "that is not true" (never in an angry or accusatory tone) and try to keep any emotion out of it, wait until the mediator gives you a turn to explain your side of the story and never interupt. If you demonstrate to the mediator that you are just trying to co-parent, and that you are sane, reasonable and rational, that will do a lot for your case.

He can't do anything about you living with your parents. The court will not see that as a negative thing.




Edited 3/15/2005 4:30 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
In reply to: klo73
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 3:38pm

Thank you, thank you, thank you. For your helpful insight and words of encouragement. I appreciate them greately. And the notebook idea is great. It can't hurt. And it is something I'd never even thought of.

He says that our son is being raised to think negative things about his father. That is why it's a bad environment. That is simply not true. Nothing bad is ever said about him at all, let alone in front of him (where as ex called me this afternoon to let ds say hi to me), and he said "don't worry son, I'll get you away from mommy one way or another".

Thank you. You have calmed me down considerably.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: klo73
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 3:42pm
Statements like the one he made definitely need to be documented too! That is disgusting! When you write them in your notebook, remember, just the facts. There is never a need to say how the comment made you feel, let the judge or the mediator have the negative reaction to his words. Also, ask your attorney if it's legal for you to tape record the phone calls. If so, you can get a device to put in the phone and make recording calls easy. In some states you can't do it, or you may have to disclose up front to the other person that the call is being recorded, so definitely get legal advice before you do that. If it is legal and you don't have to tell him, playing something like what he said today, in court, would say A LOT.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: klo73
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 3:45pm
Oh, and what I would say to someone who said that would be something like "We are both his parents and we both love him, you are misleading him and hurting only him by making those type of statements" and maybe "I want my son to love his father, and I would hope you will want him to love his mother too" If you can find a way to respond without being angry, but that points out what he's really doing (harming your son) in a non-accusatory way, he might just wake up and hear you. He's making that statement to hurt *you* but if you can get him to see that you are strong and can take it, but you do not want him hurting ds (and you are not going to be mean back or retaliate no matter how evil he acts), you might be able to get him to change his behavior.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
In reply to: klo73
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 3:51pm
I did tell him, dont say that to him. He was also saying "clayton, do you hate daddy?" because he's convinced that my family is saying negative things about him. Yes. We sit around at night and have nothing better to do than to bash him in front of our son. what a twit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: klo73
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 4:08pm

Why & HOW the heck could he make you move out of your own mothers house? Unless it is unsafe, which i am assuming it isnt - he is TOTALLY blowing smoke out of you know where ....


A 6 day vacation for your son w/ you & his family is not an selfish crazy request. I hope you can work this out. I wouldnt worry too too much. He sounds like he is a bully.

R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
In reply to: klo73
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 7:52am

Ah, yes but the vacation isn't with his family, becuase that is not out son's family. I don't know how he figures that. But it's not. So he says.

When he dropped off our son last night he again said "don't worry son, you won't be there much longer".

He's now also raising a stink about the mothers-day-out program I've chosen for our son. It's 2-3 days per week. It's the times that he has a problem with. He wants it where I have to take him and pick him up. But the times of this program are such that my Mom would have to drop him off and pick him up. Does joint legal custody give him the right to say he won't allow him to go to this program?

Now he's also threatning to call my job and tell them I'm doing "side jobs" on my work computer. I have done that. But mostly when I was doing that i was doing it at lunch. It didn't interfere with my job.

He's also threatning to call my dad's part-time job and spread rumors there that would get him fired.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: klo73
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 9:12am

Errrrrrr!!!! These PARENTS, i use that word loosely, who bad mouth the other parent, just INFURIATE me. I am going, as you liekly ,know already, thru the same thing right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: klo73
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 9:36am

It sounds like you have your hands full co-parenting with this guy. I think the best way to show him that you say positive things about him to your son is to do it in front of him, like when he picks ds up say "have fun with your daddy, we both love you so much" and when he gets dropped off things like "awww, you did that this weekend, you are a very lucky little boy to have a daddy like him." It's harder for him to *imagine* you are poisoning your son against him when he witnesses you doing the opposite. I tell me ex things like "dd was really missing you last night, but I told her she'd see you really soon and she can't wait" That just reminds him that I do support their bond. He does the same for me (in return, but I was the one that started it).

I have seen posts here that say it's not mommy's job to tell the children their daddy loves them, that is the daddy's job. I agree with that, but mostly it's important when daddy does *not* show his love to the children that the mom does *not* try to tell the children the opposite. If the father does love his children and is involved, it's just fine for mom to reassure the child that his dad is there for him, even if he's not there at the moment. Letting dad see you do that is just one way of reassuring dad and diffusing his fear that he's being cut out of his own child's life.

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