I'm scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
I'm scared
26
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 1:10pm
My divorce was final in December. But since then I've been trying to maybe work things out with ex. We all spend time together as a famliy (we have a 20 month old son). But it's not taht frequently. We (son and I) live with my parents. He's currently living with his Mom in a tiny one bedroom apartment. We have joint legal custody. i have sole physical custody. He has visitation every Thursday night from 6-9 (although we do 8 since that's his bedtime). And every other Saturday and Sunday (no overnights yet), from 9-6. He recently started (yet another) new job. He'd only been unemployed 2 months this time (as oposed to almost 2 years last time). And this job at least right off the bat won't afford him weekends off (it's a landscapeing place). SO i agreed at least until he gets more seniority that he can have him a day (or two) on his day off during the week. Today i tell him that our son, my mom, and my two brothers (ages 18 and 21) will be going on vacation June 1-6. I do't know what possessed me to tell him this far out. I knew he'd be mad. But he's SUPER mad. He's already called the courts and set up a date for mediation so he can try to stop the vacation (at least stop our son from going with me). I don't know what legal rights I have. I don't know if I can have a lawyer present at this mediation, I don't know anything abotu this. I thought things were going to be be able to be handled reasonably, but I should ahve known better. He told me this afternoon when I dropped him off "You've hurt me for the last time, now it's time for you to hurt". I have no doubt that he will make s**t up if he has to to try to discredit me or make me look like a bad mother, who knows what the hell he will do. He has nothing to lose. I have everything to lose. He says he's going to make my son and I move out of my parents house (I have a self (by him) appointed deadline of July 1 to get out of the house) .. honetly right now it's just best for everyone that we are there. Then he says he's goign to get him out of there earlier than that. If they were to take him out of the house, where he hell would he go? no one in his family is capible of taking him in. So he'd go to foster care. And then he tells me that he'd be better off in foster care because I don't reall care about him. I just don't know what to do. My lawyer told me I should really consider NOT giving him joint-legal custody, but I did it anyhow. Stupid, stupid me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: klo73
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 10:10am

Gheez... if he takes you to court for a 5 day vacation he'll get laughed all the way back to the curb.... and probably shunned for wanting the courts time and money that could go to support DS.


Even non custodial parent have rights to take their children on trips.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: klo73
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 10:14am

You've arranged for your child to participate in a program which will add structure and learning opportunities to his day.... AND you're arranged to have a trusted adult provide transportation and care for him at other times..... no problem there!


I tell ya..... if he enters court with these nit picky "control" issues, HE'LL be the one taking the heat.


Keep doing what you're doing--being a great mom!, and just wait for him to take action (he probably won't.... he's probably just all smoke blowing talk).


Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: klo73
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 10:16am
Great ideas..... and you're right.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
In reply to: klo73
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 2:15pm

"I tell ya..... if he enters court with these nit picky "control" issues, HE'LL be the one taking the heat."

I'm glad to hear you say that. He keeps saying he's going to destroy my world, and make me experience half hte hurt he's felt/is feeling, and it's just got to stop.

Oh and the latest is he wants to get a restraining order against me?! That's simply nuts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: klo73
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 2:25pm

>>>He keeps saying he's going to destroy my world, and make me experience half hte hurt he's felt/is feeling<<<

Tell him that the choice is his - his son can grow up with parents who are out to destroy each other and end up in counseling for life - or you can both figure out a way to get past the anger and co-parent, and give your son has a chance at a happy, stable, emotionally healthy life. Tell him you have no interest in hurting him further, you just want to put the past in the past and that if he destroys you, he will be taking his son's mother away from him and when he grows up, his son will hate him for that. He doesn't have to like you, but he does have to respect that you are a very important person to your son - and that your son needs BOTH of you.

I'm thinking your son's father is in a really bad place emotionally right now, and he is hurting. Some of what he's saying may be just his way of coping with the pain he is in. The good news is time does heal wounds and if you keep hitting him over the head with "Our son loves you and I happy for that and will never destroy that" he may just get it some day.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: klo73
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 2:35pm

Tell him that a restraining order works BOTH ways... and that if he chooses to persue that avenue, then that will be absolutely fantastic.... then YOU will be protected from HIM ;-)


I'll bet his bark is much louder than his bite is bad.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: klo73
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 2:48pm

Also, what he is doing has a name Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). It might do you some good to read up on it and read about ways to counteract it. His behavior can allow you to request a Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) to represent your son's interests in court and determine if your son can be with his dad and still be safe emotionally. He could be required to have supervised visits until he shapes up. Also, you can get a judge to order him to attend parenting class.

If you find a good book on how PAS hurts the children, it might be a good idea to give it to him. Tell him "What you are doing has a name, and I want you to see into the future and know how doing it will hurt your son"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
In reply to: klo73
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 8:22am

It continues. Now, I've found a mothers-day-out program to take our son to a few days a week (2 to be specific) this summer. Due to the hours of the program, my mom will be dropping him off and pickhig him up (I'll be at work). He is going nuts over that. Saying he really needs to be someplace where I can pick him up. saying that our son is going to get confused as to who "mommy" is (huh? How the hell can he say that?!). Saying that he needs to be someplace with longer hours, and more days per week.

It's totally a personal thing. HE hates my Mom. But come on, give me a break. I'm just at the end of my rope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: klo73
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 8:34am

You need to find a way to let stuff like that blow right past you. He's being ridiculous and he can't set those kind of limits on your son's care (that your mom not transport him to and from the program). His words have no power, no consequence. If you let them push you toward the end of your rope, you are giving his words power over you (and I realize this is easier said than done, but you should make it a goal to not let him get to you). I'm not saying don't come her and vent about it - that is healthy to do. Just work towards not letting him get to you at all in the first place.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
In reply to: klo73
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 8:39am

I don't know how to not let him get to me. I mentioned that we do spend time together as a family, to maybe try to work things out. But I just don't even see how that is healthy, when I know deep down, that it is just not going to work. He is not going to change (he'd tell you that I'm not going to change either). But he's mean, and hateful, and will try to do things to get back at me for "giving up" again.

I know that i just need to take deep breaths. And I need to quit talking to him (unless it concerns our son), and I need to move on. But I really do need to not let his unfounded threats not get to me.