I'm scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
I'm scared
26
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 1:10pm
My divorce was final in December. But since then I've been trying to maybe work things out with ex. We all spend time together as a famliy (we have a 20 month old son). But it's not taht frequently. We (son and I) live with my parents. He's currently living with his Mom in a tiny one bedroom apartment. We have joint legal custody. i have sole physical custody. He has visitation every Thursday night from 6-9 (although we do 8 since that's his bedtime). And every other Saturday and Sunday (no overnights yet), from 9-6. He recently started (yet another) new job. He'd only been unemployed 2 months this time (as oposed to almost 2 years last time). And this job at least right off the bat won't afford him weekends off (it's a landscapeing place). SO i agreed at least until he gets more seniority that he can have him a day (or two) on his day off during the week. Today i tell him that our son, my mom, and my two brothers (ages 18 and 21) will be going on vacation June 1-6. I do't know what possessed me to tell him this far out. I knew he'd be mad. But he's SUPER mad. He's already called the courts and set up a date for mediation so he can try to stop the vacation (at least stop our son from going with me). I don't know what legal rights I have. I don't know if I can have a lawyer present at this mediation, I don't know anything abotu this. I thought things were going to be be able to be handled reasonably, but I should ahve known better. He told me this afternoon when I dropped him off "You've hurt me for the last time, now it's time for you to hurt". I have no doubt that he will make s**t up if he has to to try to discredit me or make me look like a bad mother, who knows what the hell he will do. He has nothing to lose. I have everything to lose. He says he's going to make my son and I move out of my parents house (I have a self (by him) appointed deadline of July 1 to get out of the house) .. honetly right now it's just best for everyone that we are there. Then he says he's goign to get him out of there earlier than that. If they were to take him out of the house, where he hell would he go? no one in his family is capible of taking him in. So he'd go to foster care. And then he tells me that he'd be better off in foster care because I don't reall care about him. I just don't know what to do. My lawyer told me I should really consider NOT giving him joint-legal custody, but I did it anyhow. Stupid, stupid me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: klo73
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 8:50am
It's not something you just do, it's something you learn and it's takes practice. Deep breaths help, but it's more of an attitude that he can't bother you and you will take the good of what he says and ignore the bad. The best way I know to do this is therapy (it has helped me tremendously). The other option is reading books on communication, divorce, co-parenting and moving on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: klo73
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 8:55am
Just thinking about this more... another way is how you respond to him. When he said he doesn't want your mother dropping ds off and picking him up, what did you say to him? What if you could say "what happens on my parenting time is up to me, and the same goes when you have ds with you, it's important we keep each other informed but if we can't agree, we each have to do what we believe is in ds's best interests." Sometimes addressing it directly might make you feel better, more in control, and less pushed to the wall.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: klo73
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 9:08am
This is what I did. Proved that he tries to alienate our dd by badmouthing me & saying really terrible things to her like "Mommy threw me out & now i have no where to live, she doesnt love me anymore, she wont let me see you or give me any of my stuff". He is court ordered to attend therapy/parenting classes about this.

R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: klo73
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 9:09am
PS- 1stamend ... i know YOU know that, lol, just confirming it for the original poster

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: klo73
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 9:10am
I woudl just ignore basically, in my mind, what he says. If you can STAND it, maybe say "Hmmm, that may be an idea - i will think about that" ... to diffuse the situation - & then go ahead & do what YOU have a RIGHT to do.

R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: klo73
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 9:17am
I know you know I know, LOL!

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