I'm so Angry!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
I'm so Angry!
4
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 2:54pm

I'm reaching out because I know I need help! My ex and I have been over for about 8 months now. I didn't want it, but have tried to cope with it all and be civil with my ex. He ended it and said he's a better person now that he's no longer with me and just wants to be the best dad he can be for the kids (which was not the case during our marriage). He even stated he'd like to be friends for the kids sake. Here's the catch to all that--I have an oldest daughter from a previous marriage that is now 12. When he met me she was 3. He raised her as his own for those 9 years. Now, he has nothing to do with her and only takes the two kids we had together. He does not even talk to her. Our 2 children together have asked him why he did this--and his reply to them was that she is not really his daughter.

OK--so I mourned, cried, begged him to come back....etc... I put up with his crap all summer--things like, he would not switch 2 days of his summer break so I could take the kids to Yellowstone, he wouldn't allow a friend to pick up my kids from his house because I was unavailable, he would basically not even talk to me about the kids, my daughter fell down a flight of stairs at his home and he did not call me--just dropped her off with 2 teeth hanging from her gums, that I had to have the dentist pull, when we are at soccer games together, he won't let our 2 children go sit with their sister (my oldest daughter)etc...... I could go on and on.

Well during that time, probably the start of the Fall, something inside me changed. I accepted the fact that this marriage was over and that I did not think too highly of him. I think the final straw was when my 6 yr old son came home from his house and said "Daddy says he still loves you, but he doesn't want to be with someone (meaning me) that doesn't like him" I don't know if it's normal or not, but I'm angry. I can't tolerate him now. I have not picked up the phone to call him about anything in over 2 months. I don't keep him advised of what they are doing in school (which I know I should) because he told me he doesn't support them attending the school they go to. Anyway--you get the picture--no communication from me to him. Well, he has called here and there to me only to do him favors--such as, can he pick them up early because he can't get them at the designated time. Or, can I drop them off at his place of employement if that doesn't work. My answer to him on everything is No---I won't do him any favors and we will only go by what our Order says. I think I'm just very angry because I feel what comes around goes around---he was such an as!! with me about everything, that now I'm throwing in his face. Plus, to be honest, I don't want any less time with my kids than I absolutely have to. He wanted this--why should I have to be without my kids when I didn't ask for this? I hate him for splitting up my family. I necessarily no longer want him back like I did months ago--but I sure don't want to be his friend or bend in any shape or form for him. Please help!!! I know this is not healthy for me or for my kids.

Darcy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 10:15am

Hi Darcy, of course you are angry...look at how he's treating your child!! Has any papers been filed in court? You can request counseling for him. But unfortunately, he can't be forced to participate in your oldest child's life because he's not their bio father. But maybe he can realize that that is only hurting your child. Maybe in time after all the anger dissipates, he will realize this. But you can request an order that nothing is to be said to the other 2 kids that will force a separation of the relationship with the oldest.

Are you guys in counseling? It might benefit the oldest child. There will be abandonment issues with her (probably). Make sure she knows how much you love her.....

right now, you are doing right by going by the court orders. Be firm with what is stated in the papers right now. In time, the anger will subside and you can both try to do what is best for the kids.

Hang in there. Remember, you're not alone. find some support for yourself right now. Try not to badmouth him--I'm sure your kids are seeing all of this with their eyes wide open. Try to teach them right from wrong without downgrading him...this is hard, but it's doable!!

HUGE hugs....check back in and let us know how you are doing!

Deb

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 12:25pm

Deb:

Thanks for the advice. No, my daughter is not in couselling. Probably should send her just in case--she's not showing any outward problems--still a straight A student, and her personality is the same. She has shed tears to me about it all, but says now she doesn't care about him anymore and hates him.

I didn't know you could file anything in court to protect her. That's a good idea if his badmouthing continues.

Again, thanks for the advice.

Darcy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 12:36pm
Darcy I am very sorry to hear your story may I ask how long you were married. I can tell you what I went through with my exwife last year. We had been married for 11 years in Aug of last year but the day after our anv. she went to the movies with her new boyfriend. I for almost 9 monthes felt the same way you do about your ex. But heres the thing she has a daughter from an old boyfriend befor her and I met I raised this child as my own aswell from the time she was seven monthes old until she was 13. We have two other children together our son who is now 12 and our youngest daughter whom is now 11. From the time I walked out I would have my children on the weekends and almost when ever I wanted them because my exwas to bussy with her new boyfriend. In Sept of last year she gave me coustdy of our son and he has been with me ever sence. Over the last six monthes I have seen my stepdaughter about 7 times not by my choise but by her's. Our divorce was finshed back in July and I have moved on with my life and have met a great woman that I am planing on marring in April. I know things are hard for you but they do get better in time. But if its one thing I have learned through all of this is that you need to get everything in writing and be civil between each other After all its for the children you must remember they didnt ask to be brought into this world. As for the kids be there for them. He will see what he is missing in there lives and regret all of it sooner or later. Let that sweet little girl know that she is loved and its not that she is not wanted but her father at this time just has he head messed up we all go through this from time to time. I hope to hear more about this from you. Take care be strong. God bless
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 12:54pm

Sounds like my situation is similar to yours, except your ex is the one not wanting you to see your step daughter.

In response to your quetion, we were married for 7 years (lots of seperations during that time).

I guess that is all I am to him right now--is just civil. But again, I'm so angry, that I will not change what is in writing (our Order)--I will not be flexible whatsoever with him. I don't want to be away from my kids anymore than I have to.

It's hard too, because his behavior is so unpredictable. Like I said, he was a jerk the whole summer--keeping our two kids away from their sister (my oldest) at events, and things like that and then the next day, he will act like we should be friends and that I am the one with the problem. During this whole time, I have never fought with him or raised my voice. In fact, that's just it--I have ceased all communication with him. Then to top it all off--he buys a house right down the street from me--so I pass him all the time. Plus, my fear is that by him doing that, he will try to get more time with them or ask for joint custody.

Thanks for your input.

Darcy