I'm so sick of this!
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| Sun, 04-03-2005 - 11:01pm |
Is this how the rest of my life is going to be? I'm so tired and sick of everything!
I read another post earlier, and she stated that she missed her ex b/c of not having her daughter around all the time. I totally understand her! I'm so tired of having to share my baby with a man who wanted nothing to do with her whatsoever when she was born. Actually, he wanted nothing to do with our daughter until I filed for divorce.
I also hate the fact that I had to have some judge, some outside party, tell me what to do with my child, when to have her somewhere, and when I could get her back. It all seems so very frustrating to me!
I love my daughter more than life itself. I love her with my entire heart and soul....she is my heart and soul. It kills me to have to send her away for visitations to a man who wanted nothing to do with her; who actually didn't even want me to have her!
Anyways...I'm trying to be really nice to my ex. I'm scared that when the divorce papers from the judge finally come back that he's going to MAKE me give him to her EOW. He lied about his work schedule to the judge, so he'll get her S, M, and T. I won't be able to function without my little baby her with me. I'm so scared when she leaves! I don't know who is taking care of her, considering that my ex just leaves her with people so he can go out and party. I don't know if she wakes up in the night crying for me, etc. When she does come home, she's so completely exhausted, that she can barely function.
This whole ordeal sucks! Sometimes I just wish that I had stayed in the marriage (one where he was cheating on me w/ numerous people) just so I wouldn't have to send my baby away. I rationalized filing the divorce papers by thinking...what kind of example would I be to my daugher if I stayed? Wouldn't she grow up thinking that that's how a marriage was supposed to be, and when she started dating, look for the same type of man as her father? I just didn't want her growing up thinking that it was okay for a man to walk all over his wife, cheat on her, call her names, etc. But now I'm afraid that he's going to have more influence on her life now that I'm out of the picture and not able to protect her from all of it!
What am I supposed to do? I bombard myself with work, school, family, and church....especially when she's gone on visits...but a I still have to come back to this empty place knowing my little girl is with someone that I have no trust or faith in to take care of her.
Will it ever get any better?
Kait

Kait, something you said hit a cord. I left mine for the same reasons - so my 5 yr old dd wouldnt think THIS is a marriage ("Mommy, why did God make Mommys & Daddys fight so much?"
Dear kaitlyn02,
I am not going thru what you are going thru (yet) but I feel for you as a mother. I know how it feels to have your kids subjected to a man who is anything but a good influence. I hope for the sake of you and your little girl that he will try to be a good father to your daughter, but if he does not act right can't you go back to the courts or judge and have this thing amended? Is he allowed to leave your baby girl with other people on his visitations? I cannot believe that this type of thing is allowed. Try to make sure that only responsible people are around her on his watchtime, and let him know how you feel if only for the sake of your baby. I truly pray for you and other mothers out there who are going thru their own private hell, and there are a lot of them, and I know that things will get better. At this point and time, I would not be bothered living in a country full of only women (and have a man around only for the occasional fling), because it seems to me that many women were happier before we discovered the opposite sex. Sorry for the male bashing, but I am sort of going thru my own hell right now.
Hi sweetie.
Hugs to you. I know all too well what you are going through.
I have 2 children, ages 6 and 19 months. I have to send the children every other weekend to my XH's house. They leave at 6pm Friday and return 6pm Sunday. On friday night I send them bathed, fed and packed up with clothes and toys. On Sunday I get them back not dirty, but unbathed and unfed dinner and I am lucky if I get everything back that I send. The visitation schedule creates issues with my SO, he hates my ex and doesn't think he should even get visitation because of the lack of involvement and lack of money from my ex. So my SO gets angry at some point on that weekend. I miss the kids SO MUCH when they go that sometimes I think I am nuts, I mean, I basically do everything on my own in taking care of them. Sometimes I say, yep I need a break, but I miss them as soon as they leave. My daughter who is 19 months has no idea who my X is. He left when I was 4 months pregnant with her and has basically disappeared for a few months here and there. She thinks he is a babysitter, not daddy. I HATE it. I wish things were different.
The bottom line is what is best for the kids. If they are in physical danger or they come home saying something TERRIBLE happened while there, then there is need to worry. But it is best for the children to be involved with their fathers. I sometimes HATE my ex for not being there for our daughter for half of her life, but there is nothing I can do about it. They need their father and I know that. My ex chooses to only have every other weekend, if it were up to me now, almost 2 years later, I would have them visit more, like dinners during the week.... because I know it would be better for them to know him than for them not to know him. When they get old enough to decide for themselves, then I will worry, but right now while they are so young, it is so important that they know their father regardless of my feelings towards him. It's not up to me.
I know it gets lonely without your child. I did it too. It's hard. Some families do it 50/50, could you imagine what that would feel like? I couldn't.....remember it can always be worse and yes, everything happens for a reason.
I know it's hard and it is the hardest part of a divorce. We are all tied to our children's father forever but it will make us stronger and allow us to find ourselves again. I know it gave me time to know me again. I am a better person for it today. I had time to become me and not stay "married me".....
Good luck to you and please keep us updated. We are always here if you need someone.
Hugs,
Angelena