i'm so tired.............
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| Mon, 04-02-2007 - 10:15am |
and i am not sure how much more i can take. i am d'ing stbx because he is a drunk. he hasn't worked consistently in the past 5 years and has spent much of his time drunk on the couch. but he "loves me more than anything in the world". long story made short, i had an a with a mm. this did not cause the end of my m. stbx refuses to believe that his drinking and inability to support his family has anything to do with the cause of d. he is really off the deepend since he discovered cell phone records last weekend between xap and i.
he is calling and texting me non stop. he has been harrassing me to the point where i am paralyzed. he hasn't moved out of our home yet (i have, we live separately) and hasn't paid a bill in over 6 months. but everything is my fault. i'm scared and confused. the police cannot do anything because he hasn't threatened me with bodily harm or harmed me physically. i am not sure how much more of this i can handle.
what
Edited 4/2/2007 11:55 am ET by whatabadidea

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It's time to take a deep breath.
And get to a lawyer.
The affair was a bad idea. I am presuming you have attempted an apology of sime kind.
Nonetheless, get to a lawyer and get the divorce moving. You need to establish an independent credit line quickly, so drunken hubbies antic can be his. So this probably means a legal seperation (because a full divorce will take longer, and he can do a lot of financial damage in a short period of time.)
Once you get the legal seperation, you need to tell him you made a bad mistake with the affair, and that you had no excuse for it, it was stupid and bad judgement. Nonetheless, he's still a drunk and the marriage is over. And then you will probably have to leave -- set up a new residence, if not a new life, for yourself.
And remember, he's the drunk. Its his drunkenness, and the problems that arise from that are his. Once you can financially insulate yourself from him, the problems he creates stay with him. If he fails to earn income, that's his problem.
Good luck.
oldnimrod
i do have an attorney, my court date is friday. i've moved out, i've separated out our finances, but he still thinks he has a control on my life.
crazy
what
There's another board for co-dependents you might take a look at.
No offense, but I don't think she owes anyone an apology. If she feels apologetic then so be it, but how should you tell her she should apologize for a decision she made?
I truly don't want to start anything or a heated debate or anything as we are all here to support each other. However, I don't think she needs to apologize to the drunken lazy bum that allowed his marriage to go down the drain.
HANG IN THERE! That's all I can say. My stbx refuses/d to let me go either and kept texting/calling me and KNEW already there was another man b/c I told him up front I wanted to see someone. It makes them crazy. They think about another man being with their WIFE and it drives them nuts. Even if they haven't treated us like a WIFE in years! I am sorry for your situation, but don't beat yourself up over what you, yourself claimed as a mistake! It cannot be changed. You can only go forward. Look forward to your court date. Look for proof of his addiction if your lawyer is going to use that as part of your defense (for getting custody or whatever). Receipts from the liquor store, signed affidavits from the liquor store sales people that he was always in there, affidavits from friends/family as to the condition they saw him in....whatever you need to do to prove it to the court.
He now has phone records and will probably try to use that against you. Make sure and talk with your attorney about that one.
I would try to notify the xap about the stbx having his phone number and make sure you've alerted him of the situation.
I wish you the best. Tell him that until he can be civil you are blocking his phone numbers and will only speak to X person in regards to him getting visitation with his kids? I dunno, but make it clear to him that he needs to get control of himself or it's just going to make it harder on everyone involved! I am so sorry for the struggle he is putting you through! Hang in there! Read an uplifting message every day---either a religious daily thoughts book, or just something supportive. Something that will boost your own self-confidence and self-esteem. You are doing a great job! You've moved out! You are taking control! Continue to maintain control! Don't let him get you down!
thanks free
i really don't feel like i owe him an apology. i am dissapointed in myself, however, i am more dissapointed in his inability to see his part in the demise of our marriage. it is a very sad situation.
what
Come on Friday.... ya know.... I'd be convincing myself that his INaction is causing you harm :-)
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
wildlucky--
thanks for the good karma. i didn't realize that friday was good friday, or for that matter, it's holy week. maybe i should go back to church? :-)
i've since blocked his emails and i turn my phone off at night. i spoke to my attorney last night and changed my custody request from joint to full. screw him! he sits up drinking till 3 am, sending me emails and txms. what is going to happen if he has the children and someone gets hurt, or the place catches on fire, or if one of them is sick and needs a ride to the er. what, is he going to drive them drunk to the hospital? over my dead body!!!
and through all of his drunkeness and lack of job, bankruptcy and foreclosure, all he can focus on is SEX! he constantly tells me that i haven't had sex with him in X amount of days. but i found time to have an affair? i'm a worthless slut in his eyes and he is a great father and husband??? cut me a break. he keeps telling me that i broke a commandment of god! when was the last time he went to church?? next i'll be stoned in the town square.
i am looking forward to friday.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I'm sorry, but....LOL!! Is he SERIOUS?!?!? My ex pulled the same crap. Not the commandment of God comment specifically, but because I dared to have a new relationship before our divorce was final, I was solely responsible for "braking up the family." Of course, his staying out all night, ignoring me and our son, spending money on himself lavishly, being emotionally and financially abusive had NOTHING to do with the breakup of the marriage, right? So HE supposedly adhered to the "vows," but I didn't. He had broken the "forsaking all others" and "cherishing" vows LONG before I filed for divorce. Our exs can use us, abuse us, mistreat us, and in the end, when we leave because we can't stand the maltreatment any longer, it's NEVER their faults....ONLY ours.
Sorry, but I don't think so. You deserve so much better. And please....forgive yourself for the affair. I don't know that many of us could have tolerated the type of abysmal behavior your STBX showed without wanting some comfort from someone else.
justice
i am trying to forgive myself for the a, and i will. the pain so so great and so strong that i have been physically ill. i swear i lost 10 lbs. (already a size 4, so i look like a refugee, or nicole richie ;-) )
i post on three different boards; surviving divorce, eas, and alcohol abuse. the past two weeks have been terrible. stbx discovered cell phone records, (duh, they've been there for 2 years, but i guess he was too drunk to notice the repetition of phone calls). not to mention, i could have been having sex on the floor next to the couch where he has been sleeping for the past 4 years, because HES TOO DRUNK TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON!! he called my parents, my friends, his family, everyone and told them i was an adultress. he called xap, who promptly threw me under the bus, then hopped on a disney cruise and left me to deal with the fallout. the girlfriends who i told about the a have stood beside me, but their husbands have taken sides with stbx even though he hasn't supported his family in the past 4.5 years. i no longer feel welcome in my friends homes because of it.
i had to go to bankruptcy court, the house will finally be foreclosed on in the next week or so, not to mention i was convinced that my dog was poisened in this dog food scare. (turned out dd gave my sweet doggy some veggies that didnot agree with her tummy)
bottom line, i am ashamed of the a, but if xap called me tomorrow, i am not sure i would have the strength to resist. i feel bad for xaps wife, i feel bad their kids, my kids, i feel bad that stbx is a drunk and blames me for not helping him with his problem.
i am completely overwhelmed with life and at times wish i could just pull the covers over my head, cry and scream and run away.
what
ps-- just read this prior to posting. this could be a johnny cash song.
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