Im starting to doubt my decision

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Im starting to doubt my decision
10
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 1:08pm

Hi,

I am in the process of a divorce...I was the one who wanted out. Our divorce will be final in a month and lately I have been thinking that I have made the biggest mistake of my life. Did any of you go through these thoughts before?

My STBX is a great person, great dad, but I just wasnt "in love" with him. I never wanted to have sex. But now I wonder if I should have tried everything I could have to save the marriage....but I chose the easy way out.

I am in so much turmoil, Im crying as I write this.....

Kate

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 2:07pm
Kate - it is never too late.... even if you do go through with the divorce, it's never too late. Sometimes people need some time apart to realize just how fortunate they were when they were together. Have you and your STBXH talked at all about reconsiliation? You have nothing to lose if you truely feel that way.... But before you contact him, make sure you just aren't having cold feet. It can be hard to tell the difference sometimes. I imagine he was very hurt when you said you needed to separate etc. So you need to keep his feelings in mind before initiating your next step. Just remember it is never too late.... (((hugs to you)))))
Rose
Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 2:09pm

Hi Kate,


I'm glad you let us know how you are doing.


There's no law that says you have to proceed with your divorce. Indeed it's an option to stop the process anywhere along the way until it's legally final.


Take this time to take a breath. Have you and your husband gone to marriage counseling? Have either of you seen a marriage counselor separately? If not, I strongly encourage you to go together or separately. You need objectivity right now.


I would also challenge you to think through your reasons for divorce. When you say you're not "in love" with your husband what do you mean? Define "in love" and what that means to you. Have you ever asked your husband to define what "being in love" means to him? It's totally possible he's thought you were very happy all along, but if you've never talked about what you expect in your marriage, that he's been clueless.


It's also a reality that as your marriage ages and you become more comfortable with a relationship that passion isn't as hot or frequent (again depending on your definition of "in love") and we can fall into a sort of slump. Spouses can take each other for granted. It takes a conscious effort to keep renewing that aspect of our marriages. A good marriage counselor can help you find out how to rekindle your romance and give you tools to keep it going.


And remember, marriage is hard work, divorce is harder. Put the effort into working on your marriage and if you're able to turn things around you'll have a lot to be thankful for. If you don't make it, at least you'll know you made the effort, plus, you'll know a lot more about your needs and expectations of a relationship.


Take care and let us know how you are doing.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 5:11pm

Hi again, Kate! I can only speak from my experience here. I don't know the history of your marriage, so it's hard to weigh in with an opinion or suggestions. Was you falling out of love the only reason you filed for a D? Otherwise, did you have a pretty decent relationship? Because it sounds like marriage counseling could help you recover those lost feelings if your STBX is willing.

Four years ago, I filed for divorce from my ex. I decided not to go through with it. Basically, I wimped out because I figured I was going to hurt my son too greatly. Since I was the only one who was unhappy, it was on me. However, my EX was NOT a great guy, so there's a big difference there. I filed conciliation papers, which extended the divorce proceedings 6 months to give us time to work things out. Against my better judgment, we did not divorce. Fast foreword two years later. Things never really improved. I wasted more time and years in a marriage that was very unhappy and endured a great deal of cruelty from my ex. In the end, I wish I had gone through with it the firs time.

Again, this is only my personal experience! Good luck with whatever you decide. There is nothing wrong with filing conciliation papers and postponing the divorce a bit, just to give you more time to think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 5:34am

Getting cold feet is not only before marriage, but before any big change - move, change jobs... that is fully normal. An important phase of your life is reaching a culmination phase, it is sensible to worry and wonder.

Lets look at your doubts: it seems to me that you are not doubting your feelings, only your decision. This is to say that you still don't love him, and don't love the life you had...

No, you did not take the easy way out. Marriage can be either a financial contract, or an emotional binding. If you are looking for a financial contract, you must be sure that is what you want - and that is what you would get into if you stay in your current marriage. Maybe that respect can evolve in a frienly and caring relationship - that is totally possible...

One thing about the kids - too often I hear "omigod, and the kids would suffer sosooooo much!!!". Not true. yes, it's not a walk in the park - but life usually isn't. By staying married you are not ensuring that they remain in a fairy tale, you only ensure that they witness an unhappy marriage and that they DO NOT learn what it takes to make oneself happy. Personally, I feel that it is the most important lesson to get out of life.

Kids will only be the victims of divorce if the parents drag them in the decisions. If the parents remain parents, even if not together, the kids usually fare quite well, and in a most balanced way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2007
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 8:12pm
As a therapist what you mentioned in your blog sounds soooo similar to the many clients that I have heard this from. Sometimes people feel they are "not in love" with that person because of many reasons. Now I am not sure what your situation is with you and your (ex)husband but I really do hope you can work things out. It is never too late. I recommend a really great book called "Divorce Busting" By Michele Weiner-Davis. Sometimes we fall out of love with people because we get so wrapped up in everyday life and the routine of it that we yearn for that "spark" or something "new" and than we realize when we go out and get that "new" thing that isn't as great as we thought it would be. I urge you to seriously sit down with yourself and evaluate how badly do you want a divorce and how badly do you want your marriage because once that divorce paper is finalized it will be too late and you might regret it and you might not. But the worst thing in life is living with guilt or what if... You sound like you truly do love your husband but need some extra help on how to boost your marriage or spice it up. I recommend seeing a marital therapist even if its alone. I hope all works out well with you and you find what your looking for in life. Best Wishes...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 10:49pm
Hi Kate...I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. But I think that speaks to how tough it is to get divorced. I don't think you are choosing the easy way out...and when you are doubting your decision, think about how much longer you could have gone on living the way you did. My STBX is also a good guy, but not the right guy for me. I've not been 'in love' with him for years and sex had just become about getting it over so I could go to sleep and be sad that it did nothing for me. I don't have children, so I cannot tell you I understand how you are feeling when it comes to that...but I can tell you that only you can make this decision b/c in the end, it's what you will do. What do you deserve and what are you willing to settle for? I hope you don't settle for less than you deserve. Good luck, I hope things get better for you. Keep in mind, you probably have already had your toughest day...it can only get better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 2:02am
Codeboston,
i came across your msg and "don't settle for less than you deserve" touches a chord with me. I found that sentence inspiring.
Your situation sounds similar to what i am going through, i am thinking about leaving - but am very conflicted.
can you tell me if you have gone thru' with it, how you are doing post divorce, etc.
R
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 9:57am

Irish,


Ever hear the Carly Simon song? Here's a piece of the lyrics...


It's the stuff that dreams are made of....
Don't look at yourself in the same old way -
Take another picture -
Shoot the stars off in your own backyard -
Don't look any further -
And you will see -
It's the stuff that dreams are made of...."
~Carly Simon


Sounds to me like you're about to divorce your best friend. Know what? The secret to a great marriage is...a great friendship. Do you LIKE your husband? Yes? Then I'd say you're in a good position to

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 10:54am
Yes about a month before my divorce I started doubting my decision as well. I even talked to my then spouse and asked him if we could work it out. But it was something that I guess was meant to be because the divorce continued and now I've been single for 2 years. I don't know if everyone goes through this but I know I did... and I pray that everthing turned out ok for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 4:32pm
Oh my... she quoted a lyric!... she sounds like me :-)

Karen ~ wildlucky4me


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~