Im starting to doubt my decision
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Im starting to doubt my decision
| Tue, 02-20-2007 - 1:08pm |
Hi,
I am in the process of a divorce...I was the one who wanted out. Our divorce will be final in a month and lately I have been thinking that I have made the biggest mistake of my life. Did any of you go through these thoughts before?
My STBX is a great person, great dad, but I just wasnt "in love" with him. I never wanted to have sex. But now I wonder if I should have tried everything I could have to save the marriage....but I chose the easy way out.
I am in so much turmoil, Im crying as I write this.....
Kate

Rose
Hi Kate,
I'm glad you let us know how you are doing.
There's no law that says you have to proceed with your divorce. Indeed it's an option to stop the process anywhere along the way until it's legally final.
Take this time to take a breath. Have you and your husband gone to marriage counseling? Have either of you seen a marriage counselor separately? If not, I strongly encourage you to go together or separately. You need objectivity right now.
I would also challenge you to think through your reasons for divorce. When you say you're not "in love" with your husband what do you mean? Define "in love" and what that means to you. Have you ever asked your husband to define what "being in love" means to him? It's totally possible he's thought you were very happy all along, but if you've never talked about what you expect in your marriage, that he's been clueless.
It's also a reality that as your marriage ages and you become more comfortable with a relationship that passion isn't as hot or frequent (again depending on your definition of "in love") and we can fall into a sort of slump. Spouses can take each other for granted. It takes a conscious effort to keep renewing that aspect of our marriages. A good marriage counselor can help you find out how to rekindle your romance and give you tools to keep it going.
And remember, marriage is hard work, divorce is harder. Put the effort into working on your marriage and if you're able to turn things around you'll have a lot to be thankful for. If you don't make it, at least you'll know you made the effort, plus, you'll know a lot more about your needs and expectations of a relationship.
Take care and let us know how you are doing.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Hi again, Kate! I can only speak from my experience here. I don't know the history of your marriage, so it's hard to weigh in with an opinion or suggestions. Was you falling out of love the only reason you filed for a D? Otherwise, did you have a pretty decent relationship? Because it sounds like marriage counseling could help you recover those lost feelings if your STBX is willing.
Four years ago, I filed for divorce from my ex. I decided not to go through with it. Basically, I wimped out because I figured I was going to hurt my son too greatly. Since I was the only one who was unhappy, it was on me. However, my EX was NOT a great guy, so there's a big difference there. I filed conciliation papers, which extended the divorce proceedings 6 months to give us time to work things out. Against my better judgment, we did not divorce. Fast foreword two years later. Things never really improved. I wasted more time and years in a marriage that was very unhappy and endured a great deal of cruelty from my ex. In the end, I wish I had gone through with it the firs time.
Again, this is only my personal experience! Good luck with whatever you decide. There is nothing wrong with filing conciliation papers and postponing the divorce a bit, just to give you more time to think.
Getting cold feet is not only before marriage, but before any big change - move, change jobs... that is fully normal. An important phase of your life is reaching a culmination phase, it is sensible to worry and wonder.
Lets look at your doubts: it seems to me that you are not doubting your feelings, only your decision. This is to say that you still don't love him, and don't love the life you had...
No, you did not take the easy way out. Marriage can be either a financial contract, or an emotional binding. If you are looking for a financial contract, you must be sure that is what you want - and that is what you would get into if you stay in your current marriage. Maybe that respect can evolve in a frienly and caring relationship - that is totally possible...
One thing about the kids - too often I hear "omigod, and the kids would suffer sosooooo much!!!". Not true. yes, it's not a walk in the park - but life usually isn't. By staying married you are not ensuring that they remain in a fairy tale, you only ensure that they witness an unhappy marriage and that they DO NOT learn what it takes to make oneself happy. Personally, I feel that it is the most important lesson to get out of life.
Kids will only be the victims of divorce if the parents drag them in the decisions. If the parents remain parents, even if not together, the kids usually fare quite well, and in a most balanced way.
i came across your msg and "don't settle for less than you deserve" touches a chord with me. I found that sentence inspiring.
Your situation sounds similar to what i am going through, i am thinking about leaving - but am very conflicted.
can you tell me if you have gone thru' with it, how you are doing post divorce, etc.
R
Irish,
Ever hear the Carly Simon song? Here's a piece of the lyrics...
It's the stuff that dreams are made of....
Don't look at yourself in the same old way -
Take another picture -
Shoot the stars off in your own backyard -
Don't look any further -
And you will see -
It's the stuff that dreams are made of...."
~Carly Simon
Sounds to me like you're about to divorce your best friend. Know what? The secret to a great marriage is...a great friendship. Do you LIKE your husband? Yes? Then I'd say you're in a good position to
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~