I'm still standing
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| Fri, 07-15-2005 - 4:46pm |
It's been a while since i last posted so i hope you remember most of what happened. I did talk to my STBX and it went as expected:he said he doenst see us together for at least the next two years b/c he says i need @least that much time.I cried when he left but i got over it b/c I agree w/some of his reasons.I need some time to find out what i want.He's a great guy,but is he the one for me?We get along fine,but he can be overbearing b/c he is very analytical&methodical,which I admired about him.However,he often insists his thought pattern is the only way to go about the situation.That's where we clash!I NOW see I'd lost the small sense of self i had and lost all confidence in myself cause i didn't want to do anything the "wrong" way.i took a backseat and let him lead the way.It lead to depression and self-destruction which finds us seperated and me living alone.
I'm getting used to living alone(my boys are with their fathers,no custody given over).It gives me time to read great books and just THINK about what I've read,how i feel.Until I moved into my apartment three months ago, I hadn't lived on my own and didnt know if i could do it.Well, I'm doing it and independence has made me stronger person.I still dont have much of a life since i have a work,go home cycle; I get kinda lonely.Been trying to find things to do alone.Ideas? I get the kids on the weekends and am better able to give them my full attention.I'd been so depressed the last few years i emotionally neglected them.I see my 5yo more often cause he's 20mins away, but i call my 12yo twice a week.They both seem to have adjusted.
Me& STBX still see eachother sometimes.I'm not interested in dating so i figured it doesnt matter.Yes, this may well bite me in the a** soon but lets hope i stop it myself first.My emotions confuse me sometimes;part of me would like to work out my issues and be able to stay with him.I rationalize that out by focusing on decorating MY new apartment my way;making new list of hopes&dreams, etc because this is my life now.
| Fri, 07-15-2005 - 6:03pm |
