I'm at such a crossroad! Long :(
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|Wed, 02-13-2013 - 9:12am|
I've posted on here a loooong time ago and now I'm back and about to tell the same story - or so it seems - which isn't a good sign already :)
My husband and I have been married since 1999 and it was never really good. We were never friends - I had my suspicions of cheating and I'm 99% sure the only thing wrong is that I didn't actually catch him in the act. He's not family oriented and I am. He's not friendly and I am. He's more of a loner and if you don't like me - oh well. He didn't graduate high school and he was a "bad boy" who had losers for friends who either stabbed him in the back, wound up in jail, or had no idea what it's like to be a real friend. They were all out for themselves and still are.
When we first got married, he was out all night drinking while I was home w/ our 1 year old every night by ourselves. I worked an hour from home and had to track him down in the morning so he could come home so I could leave for work at 5am. I didn't clue into how wrong he was for me until a few years ago. Now we have 4 kids and I'm just so over him - but I still love him - and I don't know why. Is it the love you stick around for and work on or is it the love that I had and lost but haven't forgotten? He is a good Dad - he is as genuinely interested in the boys as I am but he's not around. I take them to hockey, karate, baseball, school functions, family functions by myself. People would be surprised that I'm actually married b/c he's never around. Last year he came to their baseball game and laid down on the hill - took off his shirt and fell asleep. Really? You're not at the beach! And I'm standing there listening to people say "look at that guy".
He doesn't work, he blames the economy for his lack of work (contractor) and b/c of the economy - he can't find work. He doesn't look for work. Our house is in foreclosure - I had a good job and was laid off. I was at 32.00 and hour and now at 16.00 working overnight. I always keep up my end of the bargain when it comes to doing what needs to be done for the good of our family.
when I bring up an unpleasant subject (you don't work) he gets so enraged. Is it shame? Does he know he's failing us and doesn't like it to be pointed out? when we got into a fight before about the subject he was so mad he told me he was going to bury me in the backyard.
We have 2 houses. One is ours. One is next door as a rental. On the rental is a gigantic garage that is his "shop". We just lost the rental to foreclosure and it's all my fault. I didn't support him in trying to save the house. Our house is also in foreclosure and he was ONLY interested in saving the rental b/c of the garage. He wanted us to move out of our house into the rental so he could have his garage. He wanted us to move out of our house..the boys house...the nicer house...the house we've lived in forever...the house that I've decorated with my taste into a crappier house b/c of the garage. Then when I said I wasn't going to do that - he said that he can't live here (our house) next to the garage he lost. OK - WHY DID WE LOSE IT? because he doesn't work and can't make the mortgage payment. There's even a family in there paying rent but since he's not working - he uses their rent money on other stuff.
A long time ago with my good job, I covered the mortgages always with the "once they pay me - I'll pay you back" and that came to an end at about the 14,000 mark when even though I had money, I told him I didn't to see if he'd rise up to the occassion b/c I was never going to see a dime of that 14,000.
He doesn't help around the house. He makes it worse. He leaves clothes all over - dishes for me to pick up - he yells at me when his clothes are folded but in between 2 sweatshirts will be a pair of underwear - only b/c it's the order they were folded in - nothing to sabotage him. It just doesn't make his life easy and that's a problem for him. He breaks his skin open and wipes the puss on the mirror. Don't ask why - I do not know. I tell him its repulsive and ignorant and disrespectful for me to have to clean the mirror every day. Next day? I'm cleaning it again.
One year I had a Communion party for our son and told him 4 weeks ahead of time our broken deck needed to be fixed b/c there are a ton of little ones in my family and it was dangerous. He fixed it the morning of the communion and missed the church and the party was starting and he was still building the broken part of the deck AND took the oven apart just when I needed stuff put into it. I had a Christening for our youngest son and he missed it b/c he had to cut the grass. I was waiting for him to cut the cake on our son's 13th birthday and I thought he was out in the garage. My whole family was over and I came to find out he left the house. He missed Thanksgiving and Christmas at my Mom's, Easter at my sister's house, when we go to his family parties, he goes to a bedroom and sleeps.
He's put bruises on me in the midst of a fight but I will say that I don't shut my mouth....but I shouldn't have to. If we're arguing about something, I should have all the right to say what I want just as he should w/out getting roughed up. when that day happened, he said "oh don't start acting like a battered wife". He broke a glass window that shattered all over me - holes punched into walls are up to 8....maybe 7. He's grabbed my by the neck to the point I was spitting out of choking - not deliberately spitting.
Everyone is to blame but him. Once he took my car and put the keys down on a shelf and then blamed some kid for eyeing him up and plotting to take the keys and somehow got them. Yeah right. He got a 19,000 job putting a roof on a mansion and came home w/ no money b/c someone else screwed up so he had to pay to cover the costs of mistakes. Yeah right. The economy. I told him in the midst of Hurricane Sandy there is plenty of work in the devastated areas. He wont bother to go and get a job there....he just wont work. I don't know if he's on drugs b/c he's up and out all night and when he sleeps - he sleeps for days. Is he cheating? He could easily be one of those guys that have another family for as often as he's out - and it's not b/c he's working. He needs me to give him $5 to grab milk for us. But somehow - things are my fault.
I know I should leave - I do not want the boys to be him. He's mean and angry w/ rage issues. but for some reason. I still love him but don't want to try to be happily married. I've done my crying - my bitching - my waiting - my overlooking etc....like right now - I just got done work at 8 - took the boys to school - have the 4 year old entertained and I'm still up. I took them to hockey last night before work and stopped at my parents b/c it was my birthday and they had cake/ice cream for the boys to share w/ me....it was 9:15 last night before he even said Happy Birthday and that's b/c the boys probably told him where we went after hockey.
I've started to keep a journal of his help and his absence. He said if we divorce, he wants 50/50 w/ the kids. I told him the boys will love it b/c his involvement w/ them just went up 50%.
Would counseling help or am I done?