I'm at such a crossroad! Long :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-1999
I'm at such a crossroad! Long :(
Wed, 02-13-2013 - 9:12am

I've posted on here a loooong time ago and now I'm back and about to tell the same story - or so it seems - which isn't a good sign already :)

My husband and I have been married since 1999 and it was never really good.  We were never friends - I had my suspicions of cheating and I'm 99% sure the only thing wrong is that I didn't actually catch him in the act.  He's not family oriented and I am.  He's not friendly and I am.  He's more of a loner and if you don't like me - oh well.  He didn't graduate high school and he was a "bad boy" who had losers for friends who either stabbed him in the back, wound up in jail, or had no idea what it's like to be a real friend.  They were all out for themselves and still are.

When we first got married, he was out all night drinking while I was home w/ our 1 year old every night by ourselves.  I worked an hour from home and had to track him down in the morning so he could come home so I could leave for work at 5am.  I didn't clue into how wrong he was for me until a few years ago.  Now we have 4 kids and I'm just so over him - but I still love him - and I don't know why.  Is it the love you stick around for and work on or is it the love that I had and lost but haven't forgotten?  He is a good Dad - he is as genuinely interested in the boys as I am but he's not around.  I take them to hockey, karate, baseball, school functions, family functions by myself.  People would be surprised that I'm actually married b/c he's never around.  Last year he came to their baseball game and laid down on the hill - took off his shirt and fell asleep.  Really?  You're not at the beach!  And I'm standing there listening to people say "look at that guy". 

He doesn't work, he blames the economy for his lack of work (contractor) and b/c of the economy - he can't find work.  He doesn't look for work.  Our house is in foreclosure - I had a good job and was laid off.  I was at 32.00 and hour and now at 16.00 working overnight.  I always keep up my end of the bargain when it comes to doing what needs to be done for the good of our family.

when I bring up an unpleasant subject (you don't work) he gets so enraged.  Is it shame?  Does he know he's failing us and doesn't like it to be pointed out?  when we got into a fight before about the subject he was so mad he told me he was going to bury me in the backyard. 

We have 2 houses.  One is ours.  One is next door as a rental.  On the rental is a gigantic garage that is his "shop".  We just lost the rental to foreclosure and it's all my fault.  I didn't support him in trying to save the house.  Our house is also in foreclosure and he was ONLY interested in saving the rental b/c of the garage.  He wanted us to move out of our house into the rental so he could have his garage.  He wanted us to move out of our house..the boys house...the nicer house...the house we've lived in forever...the house that I've decorated with my taste into a crappier house b/c of the garage.  Then when I said I wasn't going to do that - he said that he can't live here (our house) next to the garage he lost.  OK - WHY DID WE LOSE IT?  because he doesn't work and can't make the mortgage payment.  There's even a family in there paying rent but since he's not working - he uses their rent money on other stuff. 

A long time ago with my good job, I covered the mortgages always with the "once they pay me - I'll pay you back" and that came to an end at about the 14,000 mark when even though I had money, I told him I didn't to see if he'd rise up to the occassion b/c I was never going to see a dime of that 14,000. 

He doesn't help around the house.  He makes it worse.  He leaves clothes all over - dishes for me to pick up - he yells at me when his clothes are folded but in between 2 sweatshirts will be a pair of underwear - only b/c it's the order they were folded in - nothing to sabotage him.  It just doesn't make his life easy and that's a problem for him.  He breaks his skin open and wipes the puss on the mirror.  Don't ask why - I do not know.  I tell him its repulsive and ignorant and disrespectful for me to have to clean the mirror every day.  Next day?  I'm cleaning it again. 

One year I had a Communion party for our son and told him 4 weeks ahead of time our broken deck needed to be fixed b/c there are a ton of little ones in my family and it was dangerous.  He fixed it the morning of the communion and missed the church and the party was starting and he was still building the broken part of the deck AND took the oven apart just when I needed stuff put into it.  I had a Christening for our youngest son and he missed it b/c he had to cut the grass.  I was waiting for him to cut the cake on our son's 13th birthday and I thought he was out in the garage.  My whole family was over and I came to find out he left the house.  He missed Thanksgiving and Christmas at my Mom's, Easter at my sister's house, when we go to his family parties, he goes to a bedroom and sleeps. 

He's put bruises on me in the midst of a fight but I will say that I don't shut my mouth....but I shouldn't have to.  If we're arguing about something, I should have all the right to say what I want just as he should w/out getting roughed up.  when that day happened, he said "oh don't start acting like a battered wife".  He broke a glass window that shattered all over me - holes punched into walls are up to 8....maybe 7.  He's grabbed my by the neck to the point I was spitting out of choking - not deliberately spitting. 

Everyone is to blame but him.  Once he took my car and put the keys down on a shelf and then blamed some kid for eyeing him up and plotting to take the keys and somehow got them.  Yeah right.  He got a 19,000 job putting a roof on a mansion and came home w/ no money b/c someone else screwed up so he had to pay to cover the costs of mistakes.  Yeah right.  The economy.  I told him in the midst of Hurricane Sandy there is plenty of work in the devastated areas.  He wont bother to go and get a job there....he just wont work.  I don't know if he's on drugs b/c he's up and out all night and when he sleeps - he sleeps for days.  Is he cheating?  He could easily be one of those guys that have another family for as often as he's out - and it's not b/c he's working.  He needs me to give him $5 to grab milk for us.  But somehow - things are my fault.

I know I should leave - I do not want the boys to be him.  He's mean and angry w/ rage issues.  but for some reason.  I still love him but don't want to try to be happily married.  I've done my crying - my bitching - my waiting - my overlooking etc....like right now - I just got done work at 8 - took the boys to school - have the 4 year old entertained and I'm still up.  I took them to hockey last night before work and stopped at my parents b/c it was my birthday and they had cake/ice cream for the boys to share w/ me....it was 9:15 last night before he even said Happy Birthday and that's b/c the boys probably told him where we went after hockey.

I've started to keep a journal of his help and his absence.  He said if we divorce, he wants 50/50 w/ the kids.  I told him the boys will love it b/c his involvement w/ them just went up 50%. 

Would counseling help or am I done?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 02-13-2013 - 11:30am

I think counseling would help--for you.  You should go alone to figure out why you would stay in such an abusive relationship.  You didn't really write one thing positive about this guy but a lot of negative things there.  And I have news for you--he is not a good dad.  You say that, but then go on about how he doesn't drive the kids anywhere, doesn't go to their games and doesn't work to support the family--so what exactly is he doing to be a good dad?  At least if you got a divorce where I lived and there were kids to support, the court would make him look for work because he could not get away w/ not paying child support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2013
Wed, 02-13-2013 - 12:39pm

I agree with the above post.  Abuse takes so many forms.  Your husband is not a good role model for your children and not a good husband to you.  Go to counseling for you. Take your kids to counseling. Your husband is probably not going to go and if he does it dosen't sound like he would be willing to participate.

You will do better financially on your own because you won't have to support him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-1999
Thu, 02-14-2013 - 2:23am
The funny thing is - he WANTS us to go to counseling. for the most part - it's b/c he once said "they would have a field day with you". He'll be all for counseling until he hears something negative and then it would be my fault for picking that counselor. He says the way I was raised holds all blame to my life now. I was raised in a great family with 12 years of Catholic school - 4 brothers/sisters - my parents set great examples for us to live, thrive, and work (ethics, fun, responsible, carefree - the perfect balance) but he needs to take the blame off of his actions and behavior that if he can find someone else to blame, then he's on easy street. The thing is - of course my family has moments to bitch about - we're still as normal as they come w/ family squabbles and irritations w/in us with eachother but he'll take my one "you wont believe this" and exploit it for all its worth in the hopes of squashing my families closeness so he can say "see - you're a product of that" He will drive once in a while but it's when I ask him to...not when he checks the calendar on the wall that I have updated and say "ok - one has to be here at 6 and one has to be elsewhere at 6...which one am I driving?" No - I figure it out. The boys hate when he drives b/c then they're always late and to him, it's not a big deal and nothing needs to be made of it. last year we went out to dinner w/ a babysitter at 7 and reservations at 8. His birthday/my treat. he comes home at 8 and needs to shower so I call the restaurant and move it to 845....830 - still in the shower. It's downtown and 30 minutes...oh - sorry - bridge is out. GRRR...so I call again and now I"m holding back (but not so well) my disappointment and anger that we're late, we're missing a good night that I anticipated, he doesn't care, and I've been paying a sitter for almost 2 hours of unnecessary time....but he doesn't care. We get to dinner and he's now mad at me. He walks out. I'm in there alone...I go to leave and the poor restaurant. they charge me for just about nothing and I leave and go sit on the main street into the city waiting for hiim to come back from where ever he went.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 02-14-2013 - 9:12am

My husband and I have been married since 1999 and it was never really good.  We were never friends - I had my suspicions of cheating and I'm 99% sure the only thing wrong is that I didn't actually catch him in the act.  He's not family oriented and I am.  He's not friendly and I am.  He's more of a loner and if you don't like me - oh well.  He didn't graduate high school and he was a "bad boy" who had losers for friends who either stabbed him in the back, wound up in jail, or had no idea what it's like to be a real friend.  They were all out for themselves and still are.

I was raised in a great family with 12 years of Catholic school - 4 brothers/sisters - my parents set great examples for us to live, thrive, and work (ethics, fun, responsible, carefree - the perfect balance) but he needs to take the blame off of his actions and behavior that if he can find someone else to blame, then he's on easy street.

I agree with the previous posters that you are in an abusive relationship and yours DH is mostly at fault, and it is rediculous for him to blame you for his shortcomings.  However, I also wonder if you have such a strong and loving family, why did you marry this man?  How did your family react when they found out you were marrying someone like that?  And after knowing how he treated you and your first child, not only you remain in this horrible marriage, you went ahead and had a second child.

Yes, there is all those Catholic stuff against divorce and contraceptives, but really, is it fair for the children?  Perphas counseling alone will help you understand why you chose to marry this man and why you chose to stay so long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 02-14-2013 - 10:41am

Well then there's no point in going to counseling together if it's just going to be a way for him to complain that everything is your fault and he won't take any responsibility or try to change.  So tell me, what actually is holding you back from leaving him?  I bet you have tons of anecdotes like that one.  Kind of reminds me of my ex, who has bipolar disorder.  here's one for you--see if this kind of behavior sounds familiar, like something your DH would do. 

So my ex, his teenage DD & her friend decide to go to this tourist area about an hour from our house that has a lot of attractions.  I had a gum infection & was in antibiotics so I really didn't feel that well--I don't even know why I bothered to go, I guess just to keep him company.  So we get there & went to one attraction--well actually the girls went in, we really didn't want to see it and then he asks where do you want to go next?  i said I don't care (cause I wasn't feeling great & actually really didn't care.)  So he starts in on this rant about how since he drove, I had the opportunity to look at the book that had the tourist spots so I should be responsible for choosing where we are going--I mean while we were sitting there fighting, he could be looking at the book, right?  So then he says, give me the keys, I am going to sit in the car in the parking lot while you & the girls walk around.  I refused to give him the keys cause I was not going to put up with that--can you imagine how much fun it would have been for us to be walking around knowing he was just sitting in the car?  Finally after a lot of coaxing, i convinced him to go along with us but it was ridiculous.  Another time we went to a place with this same friend of DD's and he had a fit because he sent his DD into the store for something and she forgot to buy what he wanted (candy or water or something), so instead of just sending her back in the store or going himself, he starts a rant to yell at her, then decides he doesn't want to come with us & is going to go off by himself--well the first thing is that he couldnt' find a place to park, and 2nd, his cell phone died, so that kind of backfired on him.  But he made sure we were all having a miserable time on what was supposed to be a fun occasion--then I thought, this girl is going to think that we are all nuts because every time she comes over we are all fighting and causing a scene, but I guess her family life wasn't that much better, sad to say.  Oh and by the way, now that I'm divorced from this guy & his DD is grown up (she's 22)--she wants nothing to do with him.  this is probably how your kids are going to end up.

So again, I would reiterate, get yourself & your kids out of this mess.  Your kids deserve better and so do you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-1999
Fri, 02-15-2013 - 2:09am

I have so many stories like yours so I can feel your pain. 

My parents have a house at the Jersey shore so I take the boys in the summer as often as we can - by myself which is always ok b/c they're there to keep us company and my sister in law's family has a house there so they're always there too....the ONE time he comes down, it's just us and my Mom on a Wednesday and her plan was to go home but said she'd stay Wednesday night and go home in the morning so we could take the boys on the boardwalk for a few hours and then bring them home to bed and go out ourselves for a few hours.  You know he kept us on that damn boardwalk until midnight so we couldn't go out and then when it was time to walk back to the car (I knew the street) he swore it was a different street - and I mean swore as in yelling I had no idea, he knew where, I'm dead wrong etc....it was a block difference from where we were standing so I made sure that I was standing at the street that I knew it was on when he finally came to that block from the street.  I was on the boardwalk w/ the kids still.  I'm laughing inside like "Ha....why can't you just be ok with being wrong and admitting it??".  But I was mad that he made no time for just us and didn't even want to - and upset that my Mom stayed down for our convenience.  But like you said - when I set out thinking tonight is going to be good....I question myself later as to what I was thinking.

Why don't I leave him?  Good question. I don't know.  I always knew that I loved him with all of my heart and it probably has a lot to do with my fighting so hard to win him.  I dated the "good guys that finish last" and they were too nice - too accomodating for a 23 year old party girl - they were hooked and I was out making sure I didn't miss out on anything.  20 years later.....learned a big lesson!!

while he's a jerk - he knows what to say and how/when to say it.  he's charming - he can be very considerate - but he can also use these tactics at the time that he knows he needs to pull it off b/c of a fight.  We've been like this for as long as I can remember and the more I remember, the more I could kick myself.  I tell him that I'm over the past (cheating that he hasn't admitted to, the staying out all night) and I'm not mad at him.  I'm mad at myself.  I think I'm a late bloomer in terms of seeing things and growing from them.  Making choices for myself.  Doing something out of the ordinary.  I think I'm afraid of what might change or hurt or who will get hurt or how will I hurt when he moves on with another person or how will I want to be with another person when I love him.  And that's why I'm confused.  Why do I love him?  He's not a great husband!  This might have been ok for 23 year old me but I should want more at 43 with all these kids (someday husbands).   I keep telling myself that if I could go back and yell at 23 year old me...my sister said "then don't be 63 year old you wanting to still yell at 43 year old you".  Which makes complete sense - I know I can do ok w/out him b/c I have been doing so all along.

I think what it comes down to is a less than crazy/normal high school life b/c of restrictions from parents - not attending the local public school w/ all the kids - going to all girls high school a state away - working a lot (but I worked in hot/fun spots so that was pretty social) and when I'd meet the nice guys and they were hooked - they were ready to be settled and at 22/23, I'm now thnking "I just got done being settled - now it's wild time" so they never stood a chance...then I meet DH and it's like "youre a bad boy - the kind I've only heard of and you want me??"  and I think I've always been insecure about being wanted by "the bad boy" that I never shook the internal competition.  It's hard to explain.  Like I wouldn't like it if he weren't attracted to me anymore.  But I never think "you're damn lucky to have me.  I work, drive everyone, have a great personality, I'm a lot of fun, energetic, take great care of the boys, dont gamble our life savings away, no drugs etc" and for some reason - I still feel like I am always winning hiim over.

Don't get me wrong - and I know you know this...I'm not perfect and I know there are a lot of things I can fix or should have fixed but I think the interest in fixing us is long gone. 

I'm sorry for being all over the place - and I do appreciate all the words and help.  I have to look into individual counseling and then if it leads to marriage counseling, then fine.  but at the end of the day, the only thing we'll ever have in common are 4 boys.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-1999
Fri, 02-15-2013 - 2:15am
you know what it is...I never stuck up for myself - never thought I should stick up for myself - never thought I had a reason to stick up for myself...I just roll with everything day in and day out and before I knew it 19 years has passed. I'm mad that I didn't think I was worth more - deserved more - or had the guts to tell him he wasn't going to treat me that way. It was always me thinking if I said/did the wrong thing, he'd move on. So I took it. Consciously and unconsciously
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-1999
Thu, 02-20-2014 - 6:35am

OMG....I'M FRIGGIN BACK!!!  Still in the same boat and actually logged in to see if anyone shared the same story and what I could learn from another post...and here is mine front and center!   I'm disgusted with myself! 

I've now heard from several people that he has a drug problem.  He does have mood swings - sometimes violent - and has put a good whoop ass on me.  The most recent one was the day after Christmas and I had a swollen black eye for a couple of weeks and various bruising around my body.   It was awful.  I was destroyed and hurt and in shock...every emotion...and the kids were home..He's out all night - sleeps for days...all the classic signs of a drug abuser.  Still doesn't help around the house and barely with the kids

The reason I'm back is b/c last night was terrible.  He doesn't come around - and when he does it's Anxiety City.  So last night, after being asleep for 2 days, he gets up to come to a hockey game at 5:15 at one place and then another one at 8:20 at another...too much time in between but I was going to the gym in the meantime (2nd hockey rink - roller skating - I've worked there since 1986 so I can leave my kids there)...he makes snide comments throughout the night and by the time we got to the 2nd rink, he parked, walked in, knew I wanted to go to the gym and no sooner did I go to look for him - I was told he left.  BS!!! 

I'm glad I found my post and the comments....now off to find a counselor for myself.  I dont' have any money since I've recently had to declare bankruptcy and he still doesn't contribute but I'm just so broken and at the point of "don't be stupid" b/c love isn't always enough.  It's my time.  Thank you again!!!