I'm trying

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
I'm trying
8
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 9:10pm

I'm trying really hard to be decent, but it's hard. He told the kids about a week ago that he is seeing someone, but didn't tell me they knew. When I asked him why he didn't tell me he said it was because we never talk. This is not true. We just finished spending Christmas together.

I want to punch him. I want to go crazy and just punch him until all of my anger is out. I am not a violent person. The last person I hit in a fight was my sister back when I was about 17-18. I feel like he is trying to break me. He tells me he wants to be my friend and that we're not supposed to be doing this to each other. Like my anger is groundless and I'm just making this whole situation hard for us all.

I went to the doctor Friday and she insisted on prescribing me anti-depressants. She gave me a two week sample and a prescription for Lexapro, as well as a prescription for Xanax. On the way home I decided I wasn't going to fill the prescription. That what I needed was to go ahead and be upset for a while and face my anger and sadness. But an hour ago I decided I am taking the Lexapro. I wake up every morning at about 5 with anxiety so overwhelming that I am sick to my stomach. I have the ongoing problem during the day where I feel like I'm going to panic and I have to keep taking deep breaths to avoid it.

I don't even know how to get my thoughts out well right now. I feel like I'm babbling on, and I have so much to scream about but I can't express it right. I feel like I sound like a crazy woman.

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: gwen227
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 9:43pm

Hey there Gwen...

I'm glad to see an update from you. I've been thinking about you over the weekend, wondering how you've been doing...

I'm thrilled to hear that you have gone to see your doctor, as you had posted you were planning on doing, and that she has given you some meds to help you through this period of adjustment. After all, that's exactly what this is... adjusting from the live you had (and thought you were going to have, as you had ideas about what your future entailed) to your life as it is now...

One thing to remember is that this "new" life it not a bad one, it is just different... and getting used to that different, can take some time.

I have personally been on an anti-depressant (Zoloft) three times, for post partum depression, the divorce and one other time... I don't know what really caused it... but I was depressed. While some may look to these medicines in a not so good light, what I noticed was that mine helped me get back to where I wanted to be... I remember one day, where I honestly found myself stuck in Atlanta traffic and I couldn't stop smiling... I couldn't figure out why, but it felt wonderful... I encourage you to use them as recommended and do not go back and forth with them. With some anti-depressants, they need to reach a certain level within your system and if you are not consistent with taking them, they may not be as effective. At the same time, if you notice any ill effects, make sure that you bring these up to your doctor...

And your sudden less than peaceful tendencies towards your stbx are not unusual at all... You are dealing with a lot of emotions right now and I had swings like you describe quite frequently... in fact, I still have them sometimes, like when my little boy is so scared that I am going to leave him and not come back, just because his father moved out of state and has only seen him once this year... meaning... I am having to prove myself, even though I didn't break the trust initially...

Anyway, the important thing is to realize you are having these feelings and try to rise above them (at least on the outside)... you can want to just throttle your stbx as long as when you see him you are polite, etc. Taking the high road is not easy... but it is something to be proud of along the way...

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
In reply to: gwen227
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 9:50pm

Oh Gwen - (( hug))

I'm going through this anxiety too. hand i nthere. I can tel you I'm taking zoloft & it helps me just make my life a little bit calmer - or the anxiety has stopped a little & I'm thnking clearer. It's not for everyone, but I see nothing wrong with getting help gettng through like this. hang in there. write anytime.

kayla

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: gwen227
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 11:29pm

I, too, am on Lexapro. It doesn't prevent you from dealing with the pain and anger. I've been on it about a month and I promise that you will deal with the emotions. What it does is keep you from getting so down about everything that you can't function. Because it is also prescribed for antianxiety, you might find that lessens. I wasn't able to sleep because of all of the thoughts that flooded my brain at night. I still have to think about them and deal with them but they are more under my control now and I can sleep. A strong person isn't necessarily the person that does this drug free. A strong person is someone that survives this because she does what she has to do and advocates for herself. That's what you are doing. Hang in there.

Kimberly

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
In reply to: gwen227
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 12:19am

Thank you Julie and Kayla,

Thank you for the support. This is such a hard process (as you all already know) and there are times when I don't think I'm going to make it through.

At this point I just want peace. I don't want to stupidly let him off the hook financially, but the physical toll this is taking on me is getting to a limit. Did anyone else out there start to feel like they just couldn't take it? Like you are afraid if your STBX knew how weak you felt that they could use it against you to take the kids? I'm scared that I won't be able to do this and I'll eventually have a nervous breakdown or something and he'll take my kids from me.

Thanks to Kimberly as well. I just started the Lexapro today, so thank you for letting me know how it may effect me. I was really worried about all the anxiety and emotions being taken away so that I don't really feel anything. Good luck to you.




Edited 1/2/2006 12:25 am ET by gwen227
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
In reply to: gwen227
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 7:41am

Hi Gwen,

I'm sort of new here and I don't believe I've read your story but I wanted to let you know that meds are not a bad thing at all. I'm taking Effexor for depression and anxiety and Lamictal as a mood stabilizer. The incident that set my separation in motion involved suicidal thoughts and then getting so mad I hit my stbx. He then called the police and I went to jail! You definitely don't want that, so think of your meds this way: They will help you think more clearly before you just react in some way you might regret. I have noticed, since starting the Lamictal, that I am able to think about my situation and make decisions without the emotional extremes getting in the way. Sure, I still feel the emotions, but they don't control my behavior any more.

Depression is really common during a divorce; you are still going to feel sad, but the meds can help you feel like getting out of bed in the morning and function normally.

Now, about taking the children away, here's what my attorney has told me:
1. He has allowed the children to stay with you during the separation, so he would
have a hard time proving that you're an unfit mother.
2. Cooperating with your doctors and staying on the meds demonstrates that you are
taking the necessary steps to be a good mother. A judge won't take away the
kids just because you're on psychiatric medication.

Good luck and hang in there!

jujud

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
In reply to: gwen227
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 9:01am

(((Gwen)))


I'm so proud of you for talking to your doctor! Being on meds has such a negative stigma attached to it causing many to think that there is something wrong with you if you're on them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sometimes the chemicals in your brain just need a swift kick in the butt! The way I see it, if I was diabetic I would use insulin or if I had an infection I would take antibiotics.....depression and anxiety are the same way. They are real things.


I am taking Effexor and Wellbutrin myself. My little bro (well, he's 22) took Lexapro for a while b/c he was waking up during the night having anxiety attacks. He was able to take it for about six months and then didn't need it anymore. This is b/c he went to a doctor as soon as it started happening. I, however, let my depression go untreated for many, many years and now have Major Depressive Disorder. I don't mind taking meds b/c it helps me be the person that I want to be without my depression and anxity interfering.


I hope it helps!!!!!

Image hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.com
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2006
In reply to: gwen227
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 9:13pm

I just wanted to post and mention that I know how difficult it is to be "friends" with someone that used to be in a romantic, committed relationship with.

 

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: gwen227
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 11:55pm

Hey there Gwen...

You will make it through this... Just take it one day at a time... and if you can't do that, take it one hour at a time... and when that is too tough, because it sometimes is, take it five minutes at a time... anyone can make it through practically anything for five minutes! :)

During the separation, my xh knew just how weak I was... I think back and can't believe I was that weak... but it was all because I wanted it to work so badly... the thing was, in my case, my xh never acted... so, I was allowed to be weak, while I needed to be weak, then got to a point where I was physically and emotionally exhausted... I dropped 30 pounds because I wouldn't eat more than a couple of bites a day... then one day, I had had enough... I got angry and strength grew from that anger... and once I was strong, I found my own attorney and wrote the papers the way I wanted them to be written... and then forwarded them over to him... his girlfriend's father was an attorney, so I was scared to death who would represent him... he never got anyone to represent him... he had someone review the agreement, make a couple of minor changes and that was it...

My xh threatened to try to take Joey away from me once... He said a lot of things during the separation... Joey was the worst thing that ever happened to him... He wished Joey was never born because then the divorce would be over all ready... that he'd give up his parental rights so he wouldn't have to pay child support (not like I'd ever let him do that)... I could go on and on...

Like I said though, I did suffer from post partum depression and he said that he would use that against me... good luck finding a judge who will agree with that when you've realized that you have a problem and are actively seeking/have received treatment and are no longer suffering from it... plus he rarely saw Joey, even though he lived less than three miles from us at the time... so I knew he didn't have a chance.

I completely understand wanting peace... When my marriage was ending (he left me), I did all that I could, much more than I should have, to try to make it work... but I knew that my ultimate goal was peace... peace in knowing that I had done all that I could do to try to make it work... peace...

I bought some notecards the day that my xh and I went to court to finalize our divorce. They say, "peace. it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

I'm wishing that you find peace soon... Keep us posted!

*hugs*

Julie