I'm very confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
I'm very confused
12
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 1:30pm

Has anyone had an experience like this:

I informed stbx on october 7th that i intended to file for divorce due to his alcoholism and failure to financially support the family. i informed him in writing. he read the letter and checked himself into rehab. he was there for three days and came home. apparently he thinks this makes everything better.

on October 17th, i informed him, again in writing, that i was filing for divorce. I called him later that day on my way to the attorney. i told him that i didn't want to fight or argue with him when he got home from work. he agreed. when he got home that night, i told him that i was sorry that it had to come to this, told him that he did not have to rush to move out and we need to be civil for the children. he agreed.

since then, he acts as though there is nothing going on.

yesterday morning, tried to talk to him in the morning, no luck. wrote him yet another letter saying: I filed for divorce, the papers are coming this week. we need to separate our bills and property and talk to the children. he got home from work last night, looks at me and smiles, acts like nothing is wrong.

is he screwing with my head? We don't talk that much and when we do, it always ends up in an arguement or he forgets what i've asked or told him. this is why i've attempted to communicate with him in writing. is this some sort of psycological abuse or has he fried all of his brain cells??

what

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 2:00pm

well - you know your husband better than we do, but i have a feeling that this is not the first time that you have told him "i want a divorce" or something along those lines, and since you never went thru with it before, he is just figuring that he can stick it out until you will forget about it. OR - he is just sticking his neck in the sand and ignoring things.

either way ---- you can get a divorce if that is what you want. you informed him, now just do as much as you can do (for example, re the bank accounts, the kids, etc) with out him getting involved. no - its not "fair" but it seems to me that its the only way you are going to get anything done.

FWIW: my ex did the same thing. I truly believe, that he didn't believe that i was really going to go thru with it. ha ha ha....




Edited 10/25/2006 2:03 pm ET by sk1960
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 1:59pm

Perhaps he's being civil?????


At any rate... count your blessings that he's being easy to get along with thus far... and be guarded in case that changes.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 3:08pm
i wish that were the case. just saturday he made a reference to when we move into our next house. :-(
what
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 6:36pm

My STBX is dissociative like that too. For him it's a really deep denial. I think he doesn't believe that I'm going to leave- and even though i've told him that I am in the process of looking for somewhere to live, I'm in a sense supporting his denial by not telling him that I'm actually going to be moving on the 28th. However, my resoning for this is that he tends to act out in a rather extreme way whenever we talk about anything that he doesn't like- so telling him about the move beforehand is just setting myself up for subsequent emotional torture.

Anyway, I don't know what exactly the case is with your spouse. I'm just saying that some people can dissociate from situations that they dislike and act as though nothing is going on. I dont' know if it's a form of control or a self defense mechanism, but it happens more often than you'd think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 6:59pm

aside from the fact that stbx is an alcoholic, i have no other thought as to why he is in such denial. his memory is very poor, (perhaps he's killed most of his brain cells) he used to be "sharp as a tack".

my other thought is that hes just so narcissistic that he doesn't think i can do it on my own or maybe he's just an idiot?

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 8:01pm

What,


As it happens when an addict seeks treatment they may believe that the mere act of checking into a rehab program may be "enough" to show they are "cured." Still others go through a program and then ride a "pink cloud" for a while thinking all their problems are solved. I dare say three days in rehab isn't enough and his behavior "like nothing is wrong" is part of his denial. Is he still drinking? If so, then it doesn't mean anything that he went to rehab.


Please check into Al-Anon and get some support for dealing with his alcoholism. That's never going to change whether you stay married or not.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 10:43pm

Well, narcissism can actually play into the denial process, but perhaps not the way you think. Yes, he may not believe that you can or will leave, but it may also be that his ego is so fragile that admitting to himself that you will leave is more than he can manage to process. This is where the denial becomes defense mechanism. It's complicated, but suffice it to say that if he is an addict, he likely can't manage the reality.

That's a really gross analysis, please don't invest any creedence in it. I'm just saying that for some people, this is how it works and it's more about him than it is about you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 6:41am

This is an addict acting like an addict.

Beware!!!! You have yet to truely challenge his situation.

When dealing with an addict, I believe you want to strike first, strike hard, and do not flinch. That way its over for you and your family the fastest.

Addicts have the unique position to wreck everything given enough time and the opportunity.

You may want to explore co-dependant group support as sort of a mental preparation for yourself. Once the proceedings get going, its very likely your stbx will devolve to an emotional low, and blame you for it (and let every person he can find know that it's your fault, he wanted to fix things, blah blah blah). You need to prepare yourself by understanding that its not your fault!!

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 6:51am

That's very interesting! My ex was not an addict, but he exhibited all of those behaviors when we split....every single one. The divorce was all my fault, I "ruined the family," he was willing to try and I wasn't. When I wasn't willing to reconcile, he then decided he would spend him time and energy making sure I "paid" for all of my wrongdoings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 11:39am

Well Ladies

There is no doubt in his mind now. STBX came home from work last night and informed me that he gave notice at his job (12/22/06 so he could take the holidays off and start a new job in january) i thought i was going to have a stroke.

As i was getting ready for work this morning at 8 am the phone rang. Yes, it was yet another collection agency looking for money. i made arrangements, got ready for work, woke STBX up (he sleeps on the couch and has been for 4 years) and this is what i told him:

"I FILED FOR DIVORCE. THE PAPERS ARE TO BE SERVED THIS WEEK. I AM NOT FOOLING AROUND WITH YOU ANYMORE. I'VE INFORMED YOU THREE TIMES IN WRITING AND YOU ACT AS THOUGH NOTHING IS WRONG. YOU QUIT ANOTHER JOB. YOU CAN'T HELP PAY THE BILLS NOW, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU WILL BE ABLE TO IN 6 MONTHS. I'VE HAD IT. NOW I AM GOING TO WORK, I SUGGEST YOU DO THE SAME."
He looked at me like i was speaking another language. Unbelievable.

what

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