IMMEDIATE HELP NEEDED-alcoholic abuse
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 11-20-2006 - 8:31pm |
Hello,
I am so scared right now. I really think I need to file for divorce. My husband was sober for 10 years and started "socially drinking" about 6 months ago. Obviously it's gotten worse as each day goes by because alcoholics cannot socially drink. But try to tell him that. He blames everything on me. I'm this and I'm that and I'm crazy and I'm psycho....
I don't know what to do. He uses every excuse to get out of the house to drink. He's building a house in NH and goes there every weekend w/out the kids. I have 4 kids. 8,7,5,2.
I don't work. He hides all his money. I don't know how to get any money either.
He scares me when he drinks. Terrifies me.
I won't get into all of it now...but please someone, I need support. I don't know what to do.
Right now he left because a NEIGHBOR died (she was 90 yrs old). He started crying, which he NEVER DOES, so I know he was drunk. He screamed at me because I looked at him strangely, and stormed out and now I'm terrified of him coming home. I left a msg. for him saying "This is the last straw...don't come home tonight." but I'm still frightened he will pound the door down or something.
All my kids are asleep.
I'm TERRIFIED. Nobody believes how scared I am of him. His sister just says "Just don't start with him. Talk to him in the morning". But I can't.
WHAT DO I DO? I AM SO SCARED HE'S GOING TO COME HERE....
I can't call the police because I'm scared. He hasn't done anything. But I know what he's capable of.
Should I lock him out of the house????
WHAT SHOULD I DO...my heart is pounding so hard...i'm lost. and scared.. to death...
please help me someone...
please.
Colleen

Pages
OK, Colleen, take a deep breath. Lock the house down. If he comes home and starts pounding, you MUST call 911 immediately. I know it's scary and hard, but you have to do it. The police will arrive, and he can be arrested for disturbing the peace. Police are now generally very sensitive when women fear for their safety. I know he hasn't done anything yet, but if he is loud and aggressive and you feel threatened, that is enough. It may be the wakeup call he needs. Please, please do this. For your safety and the safety of your children.
You said you know what he is capable of. Has he been violent to you in the past? Or violent to other people?
OK, the doors are locked and bolted shut.
He's a nasty drunk. Nasty and evil. Not physically but verbally. And he will break things and throw them around the house. This is bringing 10 years ago back....
I remember how bad he was. And for the past 6 months I've been a mess. The first 5 months, he wouldn't dare come home until 1 or 2 am when he knew I was asleep. I've never locked him out. The past month or so he comes home drunk. He's a plasterer so his hours are different every day. But lately he'll show up sober or drunk around the regular time. So I never know what to expect.
Tonight he's visiting the neigbors -- the family who lost their 90 yr. old mother.
He left at 6 pm and now it's 9. I know he's drinking. I have to take a stand and LOCK THE DOORS for good this time. But I'm scared he'll pound them and wake up the kids.
Usually, I will just leave them unlocked and go to bed and deal with it the next day. But I can't mentally handle this anymore. He's using every excuse to drink. Tomorrow he'll be like "Listen, someone I was close to DIED...YOu are and uncaring B.TCH" or whatever and turn it around on ME. Like I'm the psycho.
I am terrified...but I will do it. I will call the police should he become loud. But is that the right thing to do???
Or should I just do what I always do. Leave them unlocked and go to bed...he'd never wake me up to fight. He'd just stagger in and sleep on the couch. I'm in no danger if I just retreat to my room and close the door. But I've never done this before.
I'm shaking. I'm so confused and scard and MAD AT MYSELF FOR NOT BEING STRONGER. Why am I so scared. HE SHOULD BE SCARED but he's not. I threaten this all the time. I tell him if he drinks again, he's out of here. I NEVER FOLLOW THROUGH ON ANY OF MY THREATS so they are all empty threats to him. He gets away with murder. And he doesn't allow me to go anywhere or do anything without him. Typical alcoholic family -- I cannot believe I'm the one in this story. It's ME!!! I'm horrified it's come to this...I'm always scared of this happening.
What should I do???!!!!
You ARE doing the right thing. Verbal abuse and throwing things around a house creates an unsafe environment.
Also, there's another wonderful board here for women in domestic abuse situations. Many of them have had to deal with an alcoholic spouse: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting
After this crisis has passed this evening, I would definitely encourage you to go to an Al-Anon meeting in your area: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ You are not weak. You are handling a horrible situation in the best way you possibly can.
HI there... first of all YOU are the LAST person you should be mad at.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hi Cele,
First, if you fear domestic violence please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They can help you determine what to do and how to prepare to leave your home, if you feel it's necessary to protect yourself and your children. I also encourage you not to hesitate for an instant to call the police.
The second thing I'd do is contact the nearest chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon. These folks can at least help YOU find resources to cope with your situation. It may also help to find someone who can talk to your husband about his behavior.
Come back any time. Let us know how you are doing.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
<>
Hi Cele,
I too was married to an alcoholic for almost 20 years. He blamed me for everything (still does!) bad that happened in his life.
Do not be angry with yourself. You've tried your hardest, and from my own experience, I'd guess that YOU have been the emotional stability in the family. I'd consider THAT to be STRONG. You've taken the first step, and that is the HARDEST step to take.
It took me several years to realize that my X was never going to change, and did I want to be in this insane alcoholic drama/cycle 20 years from now? It was scary to finally follow through (yes, I did the same thing you did-- saying if he drank again it was over), but it has been SO worth it. You have to decide if you think YOU are worth better than what some alcoholic says you're worth. I believe you are worth it.
Take care,
Susie
Edited 11/21/2006 8:41 am ET by susieyippin
Hi Colleen -
I hope you take some comfort from the support and advice these other ladies are giving you. I know you feel that your options are limited, but they've really had some helpful experience to share with you.
I wanted to add in some resources on iVillage about alcoholism. We have a number of articles on alcoholism (http://health.ivillage.com/mentalhealth/mhaddiction/topics/0,,4vc3,00.html) and I think reading everything that's out there can help you know what to expect from him and for yourself. I hope that you can see that while it's normal for the loved ones of alcoholics to blame themselves, you are not at fault here.
In addition to the board for domestic violence that some other members have linked for you (http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting), you might find help and support on the Alcohol Problems (http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhalcohol) board.
Please don't hesitate to let us know if you need help finding information or a resource - and please check in to let us know how things are going!
Best of luck to you and your family!
Share your true love, first love, or new love
in our Couples Photo Gallery!
Remember that you have kids in the house. Both you and your kids have a right to a safe environment, free of violence, drugs, alcohol and addicts.
If he gets too bad, call the police, 911. And every time thereafter, call the police.
You might want to seek out a women's shelter.
Good luck and stay strong.
Thank you all so much for your responses.
Just to update you. Around 11:30 pm last night an overwhelming feeling came over me to unlock the door.
I was sleeping and woke up terrified and realized I just had to unlock that door because I knew if I did, he would come in and pass out quietly. But if I locked it, I wasn't sure what he would do. Better to be safe than sorry. And it's much easier to deal with an alcoholic when he's sober rather than when he's drunk.
So I unlocked it. I heard him come home around 2 AM. He never made a peep, just quietly crept up the stairs and slept on the couch with no pillow/blanket.
I heard him leave early this morning to go to work so I got up and called him before the kids woke up.
I told him he cannot come back to this house until he gets help. He did the usual schpeel "you are heartless...someone DIED and this is how YOU are going to act?"
I just laughed and simply said "I cannot do this anymore." and hung up. He called for hours and hours leaving message after message "please call me back....please call me back"
So I did call him eventually but I know we have a huge problem here.
I called a lawyer and she is willing to give me a free consultation which I am going to set up. At least I will know my options after I speak to her.
I also did request brochures from Al-Anon last night.
As of now, he's not home because I told him not to come here. But I know I can't just throw him out on the streets. So tonight will be the "talk". I've been surprisingly strong today. I usually get myself so riled up and think "I'm going to end up with nothing, he'll get another girlfriend, the kids will be worse off..." so I decided to do something that's never hit me before. I'm not going to think of the worst case scenario and jam all that into my mind at once. Because when I do that, I get myself all worked up and then just blow it all off thinking it's just too much to handle.
This time I'm taking ONE STEP AT A TIME. Short goals. Today's goal: Get my point across without screaming and making threats I don't keep. I'm going to let him know I contacted a lawyer. ONE STEP AT A TIME....I'm not going to think beyond today. Tomorrow will still be there and tomorrow I'll deal with something else. But today, I will deal with today.
Thank you all so much for helping me last night!! I needed support and boy I got what I asked for.
I thank you all so very much!
Pages