Input please re DD and X's girlfriend
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| Sun, 11-27-2005 - 10:35pm |
DD came home tonight from weekend with father. I have to pick her up so every other weekend (he stays 1 hr away from us) either my sister or my oldest niece (24) goes and picks her up for me and we all meet and have supper. I don't have to be the one to pick up my DD and there is no reason to pick her up my X and I do not get along. Plus gives my family a chance to see her.
So here is the scoop. DD says when we get home "Mom, I had to say sorry to **** because my dad said I had to." Mind you we don't talk about her weekend with her dad unless she brings it up (e.g. My dad and I and *** and the other kid all went to blah blah blah....then I say well when you went did you like blah blah blah and turn it into all about DD. Never say anything bad about you Dad shouldn't have done that or this) I said "Why did you have to say sorry?" DD said "Well I heard **** say to the baby that she was a bad mom so I told **** (her 6yr cousin) that she (GF) said that and GF heard me and ran upstairs crying. So my dad told me I had to go say sorry." Ok this is coming from a 5yr old and youknow how these stories are broken up and it takes them about 20mins to tell you a 5 mins story and it doesn't make sense.
So I sat her down and said "Did you say that she was a bad mom?" DD said "No she (GF) said it to herself when she was with the baby and I told 6yr cousin and GF overheard." Ok try to figure it out and said "Were you mean to her? Did you tell her that she was a bad mom?" DD said "No she said it herself and I just told 6yr cousin. Then she was crying and she was going to leave but my dad went to talk to her and my dad made me say sorry."
I have NEVER told my DD to be mean to GF. I have been the one to explain him having a child out of an affair and explain to her the divorce and trying to understand how GF can be around now that we are divorced. On and on and on. I explain everything.
So then I call X to try to figure out what the scoopers was because if my kid is being a brat (which everyone says their kid is an angel but mine is very passive and super sensitive. Seh is not one to fight with other kids actually she is like her father that she would be beat down by the other kids and not say a word.) One time this past summer X dropped her off and he had some of his nieces and nephews in the back seat and they were talking to her and her dad interrupted and said something to her and she said "Shut up I am talking to my cousins." I came unglued (even though I hate the SOB and said little girl who do you think you are talking too? You do NOT talk to your dad that way EVER or any adult - do you hear me?!! X told me from the car "she didn't do anything..."
So X calls and says "Yeah it isn't any of your business it is handled." I said "No it is my business when she is telling me that she had to say sorry for something she said she overheard. Did she come right out and tell GF that she was a bad mom?" X said "She said it and I fixed it don't worry about it." I said "No she said that GF said it to herself and that DD told 6yr cousin. If she came right out and said that to GF then hell nah that won't fly and she should get in trouble for it but she said this is what happened." He said "It is going to be like it is when she is with your YOUR NAME (meaning me) will NOT be mentioned at ALL when she is with me!" Ok what the hell does that have to do with anything. "Just tell me if she came right out and said something to GF. Plus how can a 5yr old make a 24yr old cry and want to leave? She is F******** years old?!" He said "I handled it and it is over." I said "Obviously not if she is bringing it up to me and asking me about it and I have no understanding what happened." He said "It isn't any of yoru business." I said "Look everyone knows you are a liar and you take everyone else's side over our DD (meaning his GF and their kid) but when your DD is asking me about this and you aren't telling me what happened then I believe her." He hung up on me.
We weren't yelling and my DD was upstairs. So I said to DD I talked to your dad and YOU ARE NOT in trouble. Then DD said "Mom I asked GF to get me some cereal and she said NO because you have been mean to me I am not getting you any cereal!" I said "Did you go tell your dad?" She said "yes and dad had to get it for me." Why tell a 5yr old that you won't get her cereal. Believe me if my DD met any of you and disrespected you I would be on that little hinny. But she truly does NOT take after me and my mouth. Yes I know kids try to play parent against parent but when he was answering me then what am I to believe? Again she is 5yr and she is going to make you cry? Whatever!

Unfortunately the things that are said and the discipline that is decided on when he has her is his business to handle, and unfortunately you don't have a say in whether he asks his dd to apologize to his gf for that, or which one of them gets the cereal when the gf is being pissy.
It just makes me have that sick feeling in my stomach. I mean if you are mad at my kid why do you have to not GIVE HER FOOD. I mean grow up!
She is 5yr old. She was so upset after she told me everything that she came down to my desk which holds pictures of her father, me and her which I have put away and she brought me the pictures of her and her dad and asked me to throw them away.
She started tearing up in her eyes and I said "honey you are NOT in trouble. Mom just wants to make sure what the story was because you can't be mean to GF." She tried not to cry and said "I wasn't I told you what happened. Just throw these away." I said "No I will put them away and when you aren't upset anymore you will probably want these pictures again." She said "Ok."
My DD is an only child and I know the old cliche that they are brats but she truly isn't. She is 5 and she can bug the p*** out of me but I am sure I bug the p*** out of some people too and I am 34. LOL. It is just that everytime my DD has told me something (e.g "Mommy, daddy and Aunt **** (GF now) were sleeping in the same bed with me..." this was while we were still married and when I asked X about it he denied it and then said well it wasn't like how you think she was at one end and I was at the other (he lied to me and made it seem like our DD lied which she didn't). DD told me "Mommy daddy left me with **** (his 9 yr old nephew) and it was for long long days (which my dd means a long time). When I asked X about it he said "No I didn't they were out in the front yard and I was in the back yard." Then it changed to I had to run into town and over to so and so and I was back within 2 hr. Leaving a 5yr old with a 9 yr old?! Come on man.) He always makes it out like our DD lies about what she tells me. Do i think my DD lies - sure she is 5 yr but when I tell her if she is lying and I find out that she is she will be in really big trouble. She always says (when it comes to her Dad) I am NOT lying. But when she lies about taking the juice out and spilling it and trying to say she didn't when the floor is sticky. Then she says OK OK OK I am lying.
I dont' want to feel ill when I send my DD with him. I was going to say something to him about the cereal and denying my child this but I will let it go. He will lie about it anyway. I just told my DD to only ask dad for anything or her aunts (that he lives with).
Hey there,
I feel for you...but I think it's pretty hard to really know what happened, if you weren't there.
The fact is, your ex was there, and dealt with it based on what he knew to be happening in his home. Just as you handle things with your daughter in your home.
As far as the stepmother not getting something for your daughter after the incident, I can't really criticize her. If the stepmother feels your child feels hostile toward her, the best thing she can do is detach, and the father care for the child.
When my cousin was a girl, she was incredibly difficult. Her mother used to detach in this way -- and explain to her, "You are treating me in a way that is disrespectful and hostile. Until you show me you are willing to change, I am not doing X for you." (X being whatever extra goodie or privilege cousin wanted.) Back then, I don't think anyone called it detachment, my aunt just did it.