intro...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
intro...
6
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 1:32pm

I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm kate, 33, SAHM, married to STBX for 8 abusive, awful years. We have two kids (they are the best poor decisions I've ever made and I wouldn't trade them for the world!). Ella is 4 and Hudson is 17 months. They are the light of my life.

I've known for a long time that I *should* leave and back in May I went to a therapist to figure out why I can't get myself to do it. The therapy didn't work out for insurance reasons but the idea took form and started to become a plan -- I was set on it by the beginning of July. STBX started to talk about divorce in the end of July and, last night, said that he wants a divorce for sure. I definitely want this but I was buying time while I look for a job. I am relieved that he wants out so hopefully won't fight me on TOO much. Unfortunately, I still don't have a job and I cannot imagine how I'm going to support two children. The CS calculator basically says that he'll be paying the equivalent of 1 daycare plus their insurance. So I still have to pay one daycare and all of their living expenses. HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS? STBX says that he will NOT pay spousal support. I'm afraid of him and I really, really don't want to have to ask for it. I'm also afraid that he'd quit his job and then I couldn't get child support either. I realize that they can impune income, but you can't get blood out of a stone.

Basically, I'm happy about the direction of this but totally riddled wiht anxiety over finances and about how my 4yo is going to react. I can't wait for him to move out but I don't think he's going to do that until I have a job which is making this so very miserable, and again, he's so unpredictable that it is scary to live here with him now that he has decided that he is definitely leaving.

Okay, so there is my story. I look forward to getting to know everyone.

Kate

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: ellaandhudson
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 1:53pm
Hey Kate, I am sorry you find yourself in need of us, but Welcome. You need to get a lawyer. Find out where you stand. Your husband can't dictate totally what will and what will not happen. Protect yourself. Usually, in my state anyway, child care expenses are worked out separately from CS. My ex pays 50% of all Medical, Educational, Recreational, and childcare on top of the CS. See an Attorney, I think you'll feel better once you do. Good Luck on the job hunt. I remember how relieved I was to finally find full time work. It removes a great worry. Don't worry about him quitting his job. Judges aren't stupid they know when they are being played. For the time being make copies of any and all financil papers. You should get half of everything. If you have any questions just holler out. There are some mighty smart people around here. Good Luck!
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: ellaandhudson
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 8:41pm

Hi, and welcome!


I totally agree with mebrenda. Contact an attorney ASAP. Just because your STBX says he doesn't WANT to pay spousal support doesn't mean he won't have to. Since you've been a SAHM for the last several years, there is certainly a chance he may have to pay spousal support for a period of time.


Also, what calculator were you using to determine child support? I don't know if you're aware of this, but in addition to child support, most decrees include a provision for the other parent to pay 50% of all medical, dental, and child care expenses.


Try not to get too upset until you speak with a lawyer and they advise you of your rights. I remember before I saw mine, I was freaking out needlessly about SO many points. Once I saw he, I felt a million times better.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: ellaandhudson
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 9:28pm

Hi Kate... Welcome.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
In reply to: ellaandhudson
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 7:46am

Thank you so much for all of your responses! I have an appointment to see an attorney tomorrow, it is just a sticky situation because even if I CAN make him, it doesn't mean that he won't make my life a living he!! (ie fight for custody, etc) and I'm not dealing with a "normal" person. I'm dealing with someone with few scrupples in regular life, so I doubt I can expect ANY scruples in divorce. It is scary. It does seem that everyone (including the responders to my post!) all say they felt better after talking to an attorney so I'm looking forward to it.

Thank you again. I am absolutely confident that this is the *right* thing (unless he fights for joint custody and wins in which case it is absolutely the wrong thing) but it is still hard and very, very scary.

Kate

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: ellaandhudson
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 8:46am

Kate,


I'm glad that you're going to talk to an attorney.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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Registered: 08-17-2001
In reply to: ellaandhudson
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 11:58am

And remember.... Karen's comments about influence are great! BUT..... children can learn as much from a bad example as from a good one.

And I know that for a fact, because my XH is walking on the fenceline of idiot on a daily basis. Every once in a while his feet land on the normal side, but the moments are few and far between. Rosie, my 11 year old, loves her Dad fiercely, but says now that he doesn't always make the best choices in life. She is going to do better!!!!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie