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| Sat, 08-06-2005 - 3:48pm |
Hi.
I am a 20-something mother of 3 (5, 2 1/2 and 9 mo)and I am pretty sure my marriage is over. To be honest I do not think it was ever really a marriage but that is a novel for another day. My husband is a nice guy, good provider, good dad, etc. but he and I are not in love and I am convinced I am not a priority to him any longer. I deserve better than this. I am not sure how to proceed.
My biggest worry is finances. I did not complete college, have moderate skills in office-type work and a little knowledge in a wide variety of fields. I cannot see how I can afford to be divorced. Legal fees aside I don't know if I could get a job with my qualifications that would pay well enough to afford childcare and all the other bills. I know child support would play in here somehow but again I am not sure how much that would be. I do not want him to be in a financial strain either. I do not have any friends I can talk to about this who know about these things so I am hoping some of you will have some sage advice for me.
I feel like I need to get all the financial and logistical aspects of this planned out before I can even begin to think about how to help our children through this. To make matters worse he is content to just live the rest of our life like this. I gave him a year to show me we had something to work with and in the few months since I gave that ultimatum he has made it even more obvious that this is not where I want to be. I want more than this. I want my kids to see what a marriage can be between two people who are happy and in love and devoted to one anoter. Why do I feel guilty about this? Are there any others out there who are divorced with more than 2 young children? How do you do it?
Thanks
Deann

hi and welcome. divorce is not easy financially in most cases - whether you are a college grad with a solid career or a SAHM with little or no 'career' skills. so put that worry aside for a moment. Before we go into solutions for your financial situation, i was wondering about your marriage. you say that you deserve more, you say that you are not in love, etc and you say that you gave him a year to show you that you have something to work with. so i am not sure exactly *what* the problems are in your marriage and how BOTH OF YOU (not just him) are working on the issues. some times issues can be resolved, and sometimes they can't - but you have three little kids and I was hoping that you would BOTH be willing to put forth some effort. after all, even if you DO end up getting divorced, you two will be a parenteing team for the next umpteen years so you do need to learn to get along.
as for the finances - if you decide that this marriage will never ever work - then you need to make a decision that no matter what the outcome is - you are getting a divorce. you can look into some kind of training for yourself , figure out if there are things taht you can do at home (child care? computer work?), or maybe some kind of on-the-job training using whatever backgroudn you DO have. if nothing else - you should look into what opportunities are out there, how much it would cost to rent a home, pay bills, pay for child care, car, etc so at least you will have some kind of 'real' number to work with.
i can tell you that when i left my ex i had NOTHING. i stilll have nothing - i live in a dinky rental, i have no car or property but its ok for me. my child is 19 YO so its a little different. at 19 he CAN understand that there are things that we just can't buy righ t now. its going to be a little harder with three little kids - harder, but not impossible.
Thank you for your sound words. Hearing it from someone else makes it sound a little less overwhelming!
You cautioned about doing what can be done to save the marriage and I appreciate that as well. I think kids deserve a happy and loving home and sometimes it has to be a one parent home to be happy and loving. My husband is a good guy and we do OK as friends. I really think once he got over his disappoinment and hurt about our marraige being over we could get along famously and give our kids stability and security in both our homes. We just do not have what it takes. I know I said I deserve more but actually we all deserve more. I know it will be a difficult adjustment for our kids. They will be scared and angry and feel guilty just to name a few but I hope with time and patience my husband and I can guide them through the transition.
You also asked what *I* was doing to work on the marraige. I gave everything I had to him and our marriage. For years I have bit my tongue to avaoid yet another argument. I have put my dreams and aspirations on the shelf because he did not believe in them. I have done everything I could do to make him happy hoping and praying that one day he would want to make me happy, even a little and with no luck. I gave him three perfect, amazing children! He does not think about me or the kids when he goes about his day. As long as he brings home a paycheck then his work is done and that is not how I will allow my children to be raised. That is not the type of man I want my son to grow into. That is not the type of man I want my daughters to marry. I have gone to councelling for myself and he has refused to go with me. I have sought spiritual guidance, medical guidance, even went on anti-depressants for crying out loud! Yes, in my opinion I have done all I can to fix me and all the things he has told me are wrong with me. I have done as much as I can to work on this marriage with no reciprocating effort on his part. I will not feel guilty any longer. I do not claim to be perfect, I know my flaws and I am very upfront about them. And I do not expect him to be perfect either. I am just tired of being unhappy and living with someone who does not care about me the way a husband should. If you could be in our home you could cut the tension with a knife. I could go on for a month defending my resons and explaining why it is over but I don't think I should have to. Hopefully this explains my position a little better so no one thinks I am just "giving up."
Let me add that I am not typing this in anger - - just benignly trying to share my side a little clearer.
D
Deann,
Although I cannot relate to everything you posted, I can empathize and offer support and advice.
First of all, I suggest that you really take some time to figure out what will be best for you, your husband, and your children in the long run. From your later posts, it seems that you have, although I really recommend counseling, whether you go on your own or you and your husband go as a couple (or both).
Perhaps you could find a job at a child care center. Many do not require a college degree, and while the pay is not the best, you could probably enroll your children at a discounted rate. Some women I know actually started child care programs from their homes, watching 2 or 3 other kids in addition to their own.
I wish you luck. Keep us updated.