intro, newly betrayed

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
intro, newly betrayed
12
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 2:20pm

Hi everyone, I'll try to be quick. Been married 9 happy years, am a fit, attractive, stay at home mom with lots of interestes (yoga, hiking,camping, knitting)two young sons. Sold our house because, we were going to homestead. Winter hit so we moved into inlaws basement. All of the sudden hubby loves his job and want to stay. I start looking for houses again. Well, hubby works long hours (shift work). 2 nights ago, he fell asleep at his computer. I went over to tap him and ask if hed prefer to go to bed. Well,I glance at his computer and there is an obvious love note there. I wack him and say, who the hell is Charlotte?!?!? Claims they are good friends and she is going through a hard time. I say ok and wait for him to go to bed. Immediately pull up their messages and get the shock of my life. They have been doing it, they are soulmates, they complete eachother, they want to be together forever...I was gagging on it...so sappy. She is 40 and he (and I) are 30. She works on his shift (they both make VERY good $$) Well, I confronted him the next day and basically got no answers. He tried to lie again and I told him I read everything and to cut the crap. Told him if he made some major changes I could forgive him. He doesn't seem to want that. So...its divorce time. We are going out tongight and I will try to open him up. I really must know if they had unprotected sex.OMG!!!

Here is what I have gotten done:
1.made appt. with lawyer (a good one)
2. photocopied of flat out took (if mine or 2 copies)things like paystubs, titles deed (we own land - would have been a homestead, passports,insurange policies etc.).
3. my parents are going to sell their vacation home and help me to buy a house as soon as I get my hands on my share of assets (1/2 is liquid because, we sold our house, 1/2 is tied up in land).
4. Talked to hubby about having the bank make any deposits from our moneymarket(liquid asset)requiring dual permission.
5. Stepped up from walking to jogging and have been been doing more yoga too.

Here is what is on my immediate horizon:
1.get banking squared away.close cards, protect moneymarket,
2.both cars are in our names, so square that away.
3.my mom says to drag the divorce out for 1 year so, I will get better social security benefits.
2. I can not find our tax records or info on his 401K. I want that stuff. Will have to ferrit it out somehow.

I am so devistated, betrayed and sad. Didn't even have the strength to get mad at first, just went into an instinctive ass covering mode. Now I am pissed and finding it very difficult to keep things cool infront of others. Gotta do it for the kids though. My heart aches for those boys. My older son is 8 and very serious...I don't see him doing well with this at all. Going to speak to dear husband (ha, ha) about family counciling to break this to the kids. Also, I have always had a healthy appetite...its gone. Its kinda a good thing though.

I'd love your thoughts and inspiration during this horrible time. Sorry for typos

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 6:44pm

Welcome and atta girl! That's what I did, too. Did all the practical stuff I could think of to take care of me and the kids -- re-did will, beneficiaries on various accounts, dug through bank statements, taxes, closing docs on houses and met with an attorney.

Now, to my knowledge my h hasn't betrayed me with someone else, but it is a betrayal nonetheless, so I know how you feel.

I, too, have two children ages 4 and 6. It is them I am most concerned about. We are meeting with a child psychologist to develop a "parenting plan" (child custody agreement) because I want a rational adult to keep us honest and focused on the welfare of the kids.

It is a really tough tough ride for all of us. I think it is gonna get alot tougher for me when he leaves -- a) the kids are going to be devastated and b) we won't have enough money to live on (I am a sahm who is starting the process to be certified so I can go back to work in the school system when my youngest goes to school full-day (18 months from now)).

I am glad you have familial support. Hope there are other friends there to lean on.

Stay around and the board will be supportive as well.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 11:56pm

Amy,

First, welcome!! I just came back to ivillage after quite a while away, and I can tell you . . . there are just wonderful people on this board!!!

Now, I've been going through an ugly divorce for 8 months. I can only give you insight up to a point, I know that there are others who will be able to pick up the slack!! I have 4 boys ages 21-13. My stbx has custody-loooong story. Anyway, first eat!! I lost over 20lbs-which I didn't have to lose!!! I know it's tough, but you need to stay physically strong right now, especially for your children. Working on you inside will come in time, but you need physical strength to get you through.

I agree that seeking a counseling approach, especially with your children is a good idea. From your post, it doesn't sound like counseling with your stbx, at least marriage counseling, will help. I know it's tough, but if he's made up his mind to go, then let him. I know, that hurts to hear, but in the end, you have to take care of yourself and your kids first. Especially since they are young. Also, just a suggestion here . . . since I don't know you this may seem a bit overstepping here, but be the bigger person. Don't bash your stbx in front of your kids, no matter how much you might like to!! Your reaction to the whole issue will be your kids guiding force. No matter how ugly the comments are from him, I act as though they just run off, even when they don't.

Finding a good atty is key. Trusting your atty is key. I know this because recently I alienated mine, and now things are rough. You'll need a copy of your marriage cert, and get copies of any and all, even if they are in single/dual names, legal documents you can. Bank statements, vehicle titles, etc. My atty needed copies of all of the kids birth certs too. Regardless of individual advice, cover yourself!! My stbx claims in his divorce decree-he filed before me, that he has stocks and a retirement fund. During our marriage I never knew about this. I never saw a statement, he never claimed these on our taxes, and trying to go back now and get those documents is like pulling teeth from a toothless person!!

Get yourself, if you don't already have one, a good support system. Divorce lengths vary from state to state, and if things get ugly it could go on for what seems to be eons!! My stbx has begun a smear campaign against me, and has effectively destroyed the support system that I thought I had. Ivillage is a wonderful place. There are so many resources and people open to us!! I'm glad that you decided to post.

Read, read, read!! I'm a bookhound, and I have read more books on divorce, and working on myself in the last 8 months than I have read regular books!!

I was a sahm too. Having to make the decision to find employment, and what to do with your children is a huge step!! Of course, their father will have a say in this too. Don't forget that he will have to help pay for their care.

Be up front with your atty on what you want out of the divorce. Remember, that your contribution as a sahm was worth something!!

Lastly, take it one minute at a time. You've had a huge shock. Sleep, food and taking care of yourself will give you a great base on which to draw from when you need it. It sounds like your parents are supportive, that's a great place to start!! Talking about your situation, with anyone, will help. Vent when you need it. Realize that divorce is the worst roller coaster ride you have ever been on. Be honest with yourself, allow yourself to be angry, frustrated, and grieve!! But, take care of yourself.

Glad you're here!!
Laurene

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 5:34am

If you have only a small # of "good" attys in the area, go to each firm & request an appt with one of them. It may cost you a fee, but its worth it b./c then when your X goes to hire them, they CANT b/c YOU already contacted them. Even if you already have one, just dont tell them when you call ... pretend you are getting info.


I assume you did print out the emails from the OW?


Other than that, hang in there & fight for whats YOURS! Best of luck ... & also, Im sorry.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 8:17am
Sounds like you have the bull by the horns that is great. And yes you must be married 10 years to draw off of his SS ....if he made more money than you that is good. You will get half of his amount ie say he gets 1200 and you get 600
its probably alot more if he made good money but that is an example. And it does NOT take away from his original amount that HE gets
Sorry you are going through this. I have just had my heart ripped out too. We have been married three times and together all the time for 29 years. Yes it was a rocky marriage but the last few years I had thought we had mellowed out and things were so much better. So I was planning to grow old with him. Then he looks up a woman who was a military wife who he had an affair with and got her pregnant 30 years ago. She went back to her husband. then he decided to look her up to find his daughter. Fine I thought he should do that. but the sparks flew when they started talking. Now they talk on the phone (she is far away) 16 hours a month or so and email daily and he says he loves her and she is going to leave her husband in a year or so? So he filed for divorce. They too seem to think they are soul mates. She is such a hypocite. she is highly religious and involved in her church.
We thought well we will live together till things get a little better financially but I lost it and had him leave one night but he is back. We have a great sex life. All this woman is is a memory and sooooo long ago. It makes me sick that they would do this to their spouses. I cried and cried and ranted and threatened and basically went beserk. but now I am better. I will get more ss too if we divorce. As this last marriage was 11 years. Well our divorce is final in about two weeks. I will lose insurance but when he retires we cant afford that insurance anyway also plus he has paid for the divorce so even if it doesnt work out with this OW he says maybe we can be together. LOL LOL anyway I also get control of 1/3 of his retirement benefits so even if he is still here in 5 years which I doubt I will have more money coming in monthly this way in my control.
He knows its not fair to me so yeah he will leave anytime I say BOO. be gone!
I know how you feel .........how sickening it is when they say they love each other so much and are soul mates and blah blah blah all the time he has his wife at home.
I figure this is Mid Life Crisis .......he is NOT going to make a good member of her church so she needs a reality check. He is a part time smoker, likes one glass of wine at night and two cups of coffee in the am and her church does not believe it that its a huge NO NO and I see him already trying to give that stuff up. good grief. I would like to write her and say leave my man alone but that would make him angry and so just let it be. He is in MY bed still so hope that makes her squirm grrrrr
I even started having chest pains and dizzy spells. I would come so unglued. But we will be divorced and whether he is here or not I can maybe find someone to be happy with I am not ready ........but I am 57 so who knows. our adult children are sooo disgusted with him.
I know what you mean about this sex thing. This OW is oh like 400 miles away plus she is religious and told him he had to marry her first puke........well they werent married 30 years ago in fact she had ahusband. so I dont think she is so holy after all. they do talk about sex on the phone and in emails and yes PUKE liars, cheats, hypocrites, deceivers,
anyway I told him once he has had sex with the skank to be sure to tell me I wont touch him again. Who knows who else she had done this stuff with. or her husband has been with.
Well I am not going to let him live here forever that is for sure. I get the house in the divorce decree. yes he feels guilty.
If this thing with her fizzles out then we will see. But I will probably just move on with my life later.
Good luck to you. Vent all you want here. I do .........my fingers are worn out from all the venting I do on here. It helps so to read others stories as it validates our own reality, that this stuff does happen and we arent crazy or Different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 8:51am

Awww...thanks for the warm welcome. Your words really do help and I sure am rooting for you guys, too! I did get a good healthy (still small) meal down last night and am trying to stick to nutrient dense foods since, I just can't get much in right now. Have to wait till husband goes to work monday night to make more copies - forgot to make one of the marriage license (I am leaving copies if I take originals - I really do want things to go smoothly to save $$ and don't want to piss husband off at me - the guilt will serve me better), also want to print off a list of questions for my lawyer(having a consultation Wed.) and a list of things I want out of the Divorce.

rlch - I love it! There are tons of lawyers around but, I will take a stab at knocking out the best and brightest. THANK YOU!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 9:03am
YOu know I am starting to think of playing on my STBX 's guilt. I mean these guys have another Woman oh I hate caller her another woman puke.......but anyway they did this too us without too much worry that it ripped out hearts out........so its best for our own survival to play on that guilt and get the best start we can.
My stbx actually gave me 2,000.00 to start my own savings. I am sure its so he can impress her about how good he is but hey I got it and thats a start. I am going to try to add to it. He was spose to support me until the end of april anyway so if he stays here a bit i told him he had to support me for two more months from the time he leaves. I am not money hungry but if I dont take care of my own survival I could end up with a grocery cart.
a savings will help me if i get in a bind and wont have to run to family if I have a bad month financially.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 11:53am

Keep squirling (sp?!?) dollars away! Good start dollyfrocks. Every time I go to the grocery store, I pocket $20 cash. Put some deposits down on animals a while ago, I know my husband has forgotten so, that refund will be $500 aproximately - I'm having the checks sent to my sisters house. Next week, I am opening my own checking account and will have to speak to hubby about putting X amount of dollars in it - thanks for the idea. I substitute teach a little (when my husband is available to watch the kids - have never done childcare outside of grandmas help before) am going to move the direct deposit over to that account so, hopefully, I can accumulate a little cash before I'm out in the cold so to speak. I'm thinking after I serve dh w/divorce papers (need to get the consultation out of the way this week, then serve him asap) I will move in with my sister until my parents sell their vacation home and help me buy a house (praying that will be this summer).

I am just starting to think about what my career will be...been a sahm for over 5 years and just had a regular office job for a short time after college. Never really did a career. Teaching is tempting only because, I could be home with the kids all summer and be home pretty early in the afternoons to meet them. I don't really want to teach, though! Ick! Am looking into being a nutritionist but, there are not very many good programs in my state. I have a BS in Psychology but, don't really want to do psych. At least my youngest son will be in all day kindergarten next year so, I can work substitute teaching while I knock out a bit more education...whatever that education will entail. I really feel that I need a profession...not simply a job.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 12:29pm

I'm sorry that you are going through this... I'm kind of going through the same thing (but I can't prove that there was anything beyond an inappropriate emotional affair).

You mentioned that you were willing to forgive him if there were major changes. What were those, and how did he respond? I'm in the same boat here too. The OW in my case is also a co-worker. My husband is so wrapped up in the importance of this "relationship" that he seems more willing to hurt me and our daughter (plus one on the way) than to work things out.

I'm not ready for the divorce word yet. I hate to think about it, but I'm getting ready. We go to our first counseling session on Friday. I think that things will be more clear at that point.

You sound like you have everything worked out! I never thought to make copies of the 401K stuff. I better do that now before things get too sticky.

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 12:30pm
Yes do that ! protect yourself! They made their decisions let them pay something for it.
we devote our lives to these men thinking they are always going to be there. The more money you can sock away that he DOESNT KNOW about the better. then you can play on his guilt and get him to give you more. I dont always agree with being such a taker but if they are leaving for another woman or just cause they are tired of us then that is aprice they need to pay.
that is so awesome you have a BS. no matter what you do that is going to help you big time.
And it wouldnt take that much to get a PHD or Masters now.
some courts make the X support you till you get training you need to earn the same lifestyle you have been living. dont know if your BS will hurt there or not but if your attorney could get him to pay till you got a masters or phd that would be great!
I went to college about 10 years ago. was taking pre law. then thought it was taking away from the kids but heck I wished I had kept it up.
but I am not that far from retirement. if I had the money I would go get a PHD for the fun of it. but I do like working for myself though. I sell my arts and crafts on ebay and usually make more than I would at a min or higher wage job.
also if he has retirement you need to ask for a share of that. I know it seems like a long ways off to retirement but dont worry it will be here and you will be glad for what you have.
I think you are going to rise above the ashes of this deceit he has thrown at you!
I think even if things are going good in a relatiohship a woman must protect herself!
just in case. we dont believe that at the time. but just read the stories on these boards.
I would try to play along and as you said slow the divorce process down cause of the social security issue AND it will give you more time to build your money situation up.
You will do well and you will Shine!! You go girl!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 2:14pm
Wow, first let me say I am soo sorry this has happened to you and your children. Cheating is soo devastating, and affects your whole life, EVERYTHING. My husband cheated on me, we have 2 young boys, one was only 9 months at the time. It seems like you have everything in order, and you are thinking about a lot of things, so that is good. Just take it slow, the divorce process is long and you will feel MANY emotions. Just keep jogging and yoga to keep your mind clear, because it is a process, but does get better.

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