Intro (probably long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Intro (probably long)
4
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 11:22pm

Hi everyone,

I have lurked here many times over the last few months. My story is so long I wouldnt even know where to start. We met when I was 21 in college. He was 26 still in college. I was pg within 3 months. By the time I was 6 months pg I realized he had a drinking problem. He was a functional drunk though. But, never being exposed to someone in this shape I never could have envisioned what my life would turn out to be. 14 years later here I am with a 12 year old (ds) and 8 year old (dd).

I have left him 10's of times because of drinking escapades. Only to coem back because he agreed to go to inpatient or AA or "promised" to stop. He loved me soooo much. He was just sick. Poor guy was inflicted with this awful horrbile disease that had a grip on him that only another drinker could really understand.... I was the faithful catholic girl that beleived in family and people.

Flash forward to 2001. Bad bad incident that involved violence during a drunken rage I left him and moved in with my parents. Me the kids, the dog and our stuff. I filed for divorce. He entered treatment again (6th time in his life). He begged me for 6 months to come home. We ended up selling the house. I started going to Al-anon he to AA regularly. Then, they became date nights together. He won me over AGAIN. He was so sweet. He was sooooo changed. He was everything I had been hoping he would become for so many years.

We rented a house and moved our family back in together. We saved for 3 years to buy a new house. Just before we moved into the new house in a very nice neighborhood, he relapsed. First once, then twice then a few times. Once he got back up on the wagon he was not the same. He quit going to his meetings (I continued to go to mine). He became a "dry drunk". Never happy, verbally and emotionally abusive to me and the kids. It has been awful. I literally put myself in front of this crashing train trying to stop it. I couldnt belive after all we had been through, all the "promises", once again that he was destroying everything we had worked for.

He claimed to feel too guilty all the time for all that he had done. He jsut wanted to start over. He is tired of saying he is sorry. He doenst want to hurt me anymore. He started to lose weight, do something with his hair, go to the tanning booth.... He started a new job that is in a highly party like atmosphere (casino). He had always worked in gaming, but this is a very party like place, working afternoons instead of days.

He was always so mean all the time. Slept all day on his days off. Stayed up all night on the computer. Never would go to family functions or kids events. Never wanted to do anything with us anymore. Repeatedly woudl tell me he wanted a divorce. So I finally filed again last summer. He couldnt beleive it when I did. Even though he told me to!! He begged me again to stop it. That it was just his "stinking thinking". He would do whatever needed to be done!!! The same old story.

I cant tell you how much I just wanted him to be a decent father, husband and person...So what do you think....3 weeks later the same old bitter, mean man emerged once again.

Ok so now we are getting a divorce. He has started seeing someone else. He started before we even decided to get the divorce. I have filed again. He wont leave the house until I have refinance in my name. The only thing my bank is waiting for is the Divorce Agreement. Then, we can go forward with that. But, we are not in agreement on most things on the agreement. It is very difficult to get a sick man to think reasonably.

The kids are suffering. I'm suffering. All he is doing is behaving in destructive ways. He stays out all night. Leaves phone numbers of girls on the table for me to see the next day. Leaves emails that he sent to girls. Talks on the phone to them while the kids and I are around. Pays little or no attention to the kids. Lies about credit cards he closed, then charges up $2000 on them. Tries to manipulate everything.

Ok I if you met me you would enver know that I have been with such an awful person for all this time. I have loads and loads of supportive friends. I'm really quite pretty (ok a little stroking here), I'm smart (smarter than him ;), have a great job, have a solid family base, am very attentive to my children and their needs. I have so much to offer someone. He used to put me on a pedastal (oh yeah then knock it down, then put me back up on it again).

The war of the roses has begun. I could go on for hours with a the little and BIG things he ahs done just over the last 2 months of this divorce. Divorce SUX, no matter how you feel about the other person it just does. I have an atty, he does too. At first he wanted to do mediation, but he never showed up for the 2nd appt (he wouldnt get out of bed), so I hired an atty. He hasn't spoken to me in a civil voice since then. That pissed him off more than anything I've ever done. Whatever.

This is just so absolutely miserable. I feel like my life is on hold. There is no growth. I want to move on. But, here I am stuck. Helping the kids cope. Helping myself cope. Keeping my head on track. Separting everything. Battling with him on everything.

Me and these children deserved so much better than this life. He has robbed me of so much. I truely beleived there was good in him somewhere. But, apparently, I was wrong.

Anyway It felt good to write all that. Thanks for listening to my ramble.

Hugs,
Jan

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 4:36pm

Hello, and welcome! You are so strong to be going through this. This is my second time filing for divorce, so I understand what it's like to vacillate back and forth. It really sounds like you are making the right choice here.


Hopefully, once you two are living separately, you'll have some peace again in your life. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you right now having him throw his dating activities in your face. It will be very relieving when he's gone!


It sounds like you have a lot going for you and your future is bright! I know divorce is a rollercoaster, but you sound like you are definitely on the right path.




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 8:17pm
Jan,
I want you to know I read your post. Stay strong. I don't personally have experience with an alcoholic. I just want you to know you've come to the right place for support and guidance. Hugs, JustMe
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 9:08pm

Thanks ladies. It just felt good to write that all down like that. I have been posting on the "dealing with addictions" board for a few years now, but I think I may have graduted to a new level ;) This is a wonderful board, just to read many nights.

Hugs,
Jan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 6:38pm

Chiming in here a bit late..... but "Hello" Jan.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~