Introducing myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2005
Introducing myself
2
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 2:23pm

Happy --- I think.

Hello. I am returning to iVillage after a lengthy absence and am new to this particular board.

I am 29 years old and have been married for 7+ years. I would not say that this time has been miserable, but it has certainly not been happy. This applies for both myself and my husband. We recently came to the realization that we are not meant to be together for the rest of our lives, and it was a very difficult year before we finally admitted it openly to ourselves, each other and our friends.

I am very lucky, I think, in that we are not upset or angry with each other. Also that we both have the full support of our group of friends. I hope that our peaceful seperation extends itself into a peaceful divorce and life after divorce. I think that at this rate, we could easily remain friends, or at least acquaintances. This is nice because I would hate for our friends to have to choose one of us to be loyal too, or to be invited to alternate gatherings to avoid a blow-up or whatever.

It is so sad though to realize that this person who I intended to be with forever and who I thought I would love forever has become nothing more than a roommate. It happened so gradually, and then suddenly I noticed that we never spent time together anymore, and did not have any kind of love life with each other... these could have been rectified, but we also have a deal-breaker of sorts in that I want a family and he has finally realized that he just does not want to have children. I suppose I could have decided to wait and see if he would ever change his mind, and work on our relationship in the meantime. But after a lot of soul searching, I realized that all the things that make me me are exactly what he finds so annoying about me. And when we were spending time together, way back when, we were constantly arguing about everything. Actually arguing implies a civility that we did not accord each other. So I feel like even if the kids thing was not an issue (say he came to me tonight and said: "Oh my goodness, I am suddenly overcome with an urge to have a family.") I would still not pin my hopes on us reconciling.

I put it very succintly recently in an email to my best friend:
" It is all about right fit, and I have come to realize that Ed and I are not a right fit. And I don't think we ever were. I think we wanted to be. And I think we made it work, but when everyday is hard work it gets so tiring.
I realize you have to work at a marriage, and I accept that. But our marriage was like pushing a boulder up a steep hill. I know that it can be more like pushing a load of gravel up a slight slope using a wheelbarrow. Still work, but you can pause to rest without your load rolling back to the bottom of the hill.

I am really feeling this whole "right fit" thing.
I first heard it on a job interview. The HR lady said "If you are not right fit, we can still hire you. You can still do the job. But you will be working much harder because not only will you have your work, but also working to fit into a role that is ill-suited to your personality. Most people in that situation burn out after 6 months or a year." "

So I guess it is amazing that my husband and I lasted the 7 years that we did.

As it stands, we are living in the same apartment, but I moved into the guest room. He works full-time, I am unemployed and have applied to return to University. We married when we were both still in school and had an unspoken agreement that once he graduated and established his career I would get my degree. I will not claim to have been a workhorse during the time he was in school, I held down various low-paying jobs, and worked mostly part-time or contract work. I am incredibly grateful that he is continuing to support me during our "seperation".

As easy as this has been for us, compared to some very messy divorces that I have witnessed , it is still very difficult. We are still coping with a very real loss. I am a bit excited about the future, and the prospect of being happy more of the time than I am miserable. But even though I know this is good for me I cannot help but feel sad. I really don't think anyone ever expects that their marriage will ever end, whether the ending is messy or not is irrelevant =(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2005
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 2:27pm
Wow... I did not realize how "chatty" I was. My apologies for such a looooooong opening post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 11-25-2005 - 2:29pm

Welcome to the board angelspawn.... and no need to apologize for being chatty; we all get that way some days... and that's why we're here!


I'm so glad that it seems like the ending of your marriage is going so smoothly.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~