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| Mon, 01-08-2007 - 11:17am |
I guess I haven't formally introduced myself. I have been unhappy with my marriage ... well forever. To be honest, I knew from the start we were incompatible. Why I ignored that, I'll never know. People ask me... I just don't have an answer. I did love him even though I hated the way he was. I don't love him anymore.
He was verbally and emotionally abusive at times and drank a lot. (Supposedly quit now) He had terrible attitudes toward other people. He was racist. He was domineering, got in people's faces and bullied people into agreeing with him and doing things his way.
I tried leaving a few times. He's agree to counseling but never followed through. He'd let things calm down and think it was ok. We never went to counseling and I never pushed the issue. It was easier to ignore the problems than to confront them.
Finally I'd had enough and just wanted out but didn't know how to go about it. Now that we're separated, I refuse counseling. His family thinks I'm mentally unstable because this came as such a surprise to them. they didn't know I was unhappy. They don't think he was abusive. His mother is in the same situation and she just doesn't see it... or she just doesn't believe she can leave. I don't know. FIL has always disgusted me and when I look back, H was just like him. She doesn't look happy to me. She waters down his alcohol regularly. She always has a disgusted look on her face with him. Yet she thinks I'm nuts for breaking up my family... when H is just like his father.
I don't want to break up a family, but I can't stand H anymore. It's been over a year since I knew I had to leave. I'm finally doing it, and THEY all want him to fight for custody because they think I'm unstable. They're offering to pay for it.
I think H stalks me. I know he's followed me to work at least twice. I wouldn't put it past him to hire a PI to follow me. I got an apartment and I don't want H to know about it because I don't want him coming to my home. I've been living with my mother. I wouldn't be surprised if he's trying to get my phone records to see who I've been talking to. He needs to get a job to give him something to occupy him. Without work, he broods all day and plots revenge or begs me to stay.
He's threatened me with violence, but has since sworn I was out of line for calling his attention to it... that I should know he'd "never" do something like that. He'd "never" hurt me. I don't know whether to be afraid or not.
So I'm tired of waiting for him to agree to divorce. I want to file. I'm afraid of what filing will do to his state of mind. He is emotionally fragile. I don't want a court battle. I don't want to lose my kids. I wanted to be lenient with him on support, but if he fights me I won't be. I need the support now, but he's hoarding his money (unemployment). I imagine he's saving up for court. I can barely support myself and need to file bankruptcy.. and even with those debts discharged, I can barely survive on my own. I can survive, but money will be tight.
I just want to move on with my life now. An old friend found out about the separation and had the guts to ask me out on a date. I told him no. It's too crazy right now. But what if I did go and H "caught" me? Could he use it against me to take the kids? (sigh)

First off.... nothing is worth putting your relationship (and custody and rights) with your children on the line.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~