Issues! Now i am a wreck! ,,,,
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Issues! Now i am a wreck! ,,,,
| Mon, 04-17-2006 - 3:08am |
2 things happened - the 1st, not that big of a deal (not anything new anyway), but the 2nd, I am really concerend about.


Grrrrrrrrrrr this is what po's me so much about your situation the way your ex uses your daughters emotions. It's one thing for him to try to pull guilt trips on you, or manipulate you, your an adult, but to do that to a child. No wonder she's terribly confused and has no idea what to do with regards to him.
I would definitely tell her counselor, maybe he needs supervised vistation so he's not manipulating the child and saying things such as this. I don't know, I think this is really damaging to her especially where she is so young and just absorbing it all in. I mean she called you at 9 at night because it was weighing on her mind so much that she was letting her father down. No 6 year old should be worried about such things and for him to put that kind of burden on her is quite disheartening.
hugs....
i know that these two incidents are not 'isolated' - and you are right, that your ex is... well... you know what he is(...)
but i did want to touch a little on the 'guilt' trip. I think that a part of belonging to a family unit, involves doing things for others, even if its not 'exactly' what *we* want to do, at that moment. of course, there is a fine line between a healthy and a dysfunctional relationship - but i don't think that its a terrible thing that your dd chose to go to her father's house so as not to hurt his feelings. I would actually be more concerned about getting her to make a decision and stick to it and not change her mind like that (of course, that is probably an age thing, but she should, at some point, be encouraged to stick to her choices).
as for the biting ---- i think your dd was very open with you- the problem that she has is that she doesn't know how to tell her father how she feels /or he doesn't listen/or both. the best thing to do is to help her to find a 'code word' that she uses when he is too rought with her (my ex and my son did this when we were still married - my ex would be too rough and my son would start crying hysterically, screaming, etc because he would be telling my ex to STOP and ex wasn't listening). you - or some other third party - will have to set this up between your ex and your dd and i know that that is going to be difficult. I wouldn't "worry" about this excessively - you are very lucky that ave is in touch with her feelings and is totally open with you.
I do not understand why your STBX does not get that these guilt trips are SO damaging! My STBX does it to a MUCH lesser extent, but it still upsets me, so I can't imagine how difficult it is for you and your DD.
As for the biting...as parents (and you as a psych nurse!), we tend to fear the worst when something bad happens. I'm a psych major myself, so I tend to jump to conclusions or get upset at "questionable" behavior or acts. I really think this was just an isolated incident, but worthy of keeping an eye on. While Avery is very mature, 6 is young, and the bite was
Okay...I don't want to make more of this than should be but did it "look" like a bite mark?
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
I'm concerned!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Only have a sec here - Possible false alarm. Today i asked her to SHOW me how she bit herself ... mostly to see if her mouth reached the spot on her upper inner arm.
OK... I feel better now, and I knew that you'd know just the right questions to ask her to get more info about things... but still... a "one time" "wow, if I do that, this happens--sucking = bruise!" perhaps isn't anything to worry about EXCEPT that she had a reason for doing it.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
On one hand: as I child I was a bit nervous and I frequently bit or sucked on my arms at about that age. I really don't think that in itself is a big problem. I stopped once I learned what a hickey is!!!
However, it is entirely possible that her DAD bruised her arm while horsing around and she TOLD him she bit herself to spare his feelings and that went over well enough that she used the same story on you. NOt that she is lying, per se, but confused about what is the right thing to do. That matches the earlier comment about feeling bad about daddy.
At minimum I would mention it to him so that he knows you noticed and if he says she did it to herself, I would suggest that if the horseplay was rough enough to upset her he might consider toning it down. My STBX is too rowdy at times but I think it is due to a lack of ability to relate to girls, not from any abusive impulse. It is just the model he grew up with.
What is this man thinking???????!!!!!! Just like my STBX he has no regard for what he is doing to her emotionally, either that or he just doesn't care!!!!! Good grief, she is six-years-old!!!!! She's little! Why on earth is he putting such pressure on her??? Of course, if he's like my ex, he probably doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing and doesn't see that it's doing her any damage.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder. In the past I have used self-injury as a way to get feelings out. It's like a release, plus, it is a distraction from what is going on inside, and doesn't hurt nearly as much. This poor, sweet girl is getting so frustrated with her feelings and so confused that she just cannot process it sometimes. I just wish her ignorant, self-absorbed father would take two seconds to get his head out of his butt and LOOK AT HER! I know your STBX is not physically abusive to Ave, but my father was. What is similar is the fact that she is looking for approval from her father and she will do whatever she feels she needs to do in order to get the approval and make him happy. THIS IS SOOOO BAD!!!!!! For me the result was major self-image issues. I dealt with severe eating disorders and self-injury. Not only that, but my need for male approval continued into adulthood. I was very promiscuous for several years. I did not care at all about safety. Looking back, I am amazed that I did not get pregnant before I did (at age 20 with STBX) or end up with any varity of STDs.
Oh, I almost forgot, I used to do the arm sucking thing too. I was very anxious a lot of the time and that was one way that I dealt with it. I did it at school a lot; I had ADHD but my mother refused to get me any help for it (not necessarily medication, but behavioral therapy).
Now, obviously I'm not saying that this exactly is going to happen to Ave. There's no way to know that. Not only that, but she has a wonderful mother who has a high degree of concern for her emotional health. That is something I NEVER had. In my home emotions were not a topic of conversation. If you weren't bleeding or running a fever then you were perfectly healthy and there was NOTHING wrong with you......and you'd better act like there's nothing wrong! Ave has a very much more open environment. She didn't try to hide the bruise, so it doesn't seem that she is ashamed of it, meaning she's not ashamed of her emotions either (at least not with you).
IMHO, you did the right thing. You talked to her about it, you didn't blow it off or avoid the subject. She is in therapy already (something I was desperate for as a child and teenager) and that will really help her out a lot. I would definatly keep an eye on her. I know you want to hear that it isn't a big deal, but it really is. I know this because I've been there. Self-injury starts small. It starts with having emotions you don't know how to handle, emotions that are just too big for you to deal with, and you get so frustrated that you pinch yourself, or bite, or something else like that. And it makes all the other stuff seem much smaller and unimportant because there is now something tangible to focus on, something that makes sense. A cut, a burn, a bruise is supposed to hurt and that is much easier to process than all these big feelings.
I cannot believe that this joke of a human being is doing this to your precious little girl. Is there any way to get him to see the truth????? I know with STBX there really hasn't been so far. He's only seeing the boys more now because I told him that The Skank could be around them, as long as she wasn't staying over. He actually asked me the other night if that could be changed!!!!! I looked at him and said, "M, would you mind if I allowed this guy I'm seeing to stay over while your sons are sleeping in the same room? BTW, as you know they get scared at night sometimes and climb into my bed. My 'friend' will be in bed with me, but he won't mind sleeping with the boys." He got the point. He is 'supposed' to show up for Spencer's therapy appt tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath. Before now he's always had the excuse that he had to work. Well, he got fired last week (actually pretty shocking, he's very career oriented...then again, most of his behavior over the last year has been out of character) so I'm hoping he'll show. I know the reason he doesn't want to go is because he'll have to face the reality that his behavior affects these boys. He'll have to acknowledge the fact that he is accountable not only to himself but also to them, but, he's too much of a coward to take on that kind of responsibility.
Anyhow, I didn't post this to alarm you in any way, but just to give you the point of view of a self-injuring person; how it begins, how it escalates and the thought process involved. I know that you've had psych training, but, no one can really understand anything until they've been through it. I hope that I've helped in some way!!!!! I think you're doing a great job and that Ave is going to be okay.