Is it better to be alone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Is it better to be alone?
12
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 1:54pm

Quick Story I caught my husband in a second affair. First Time was 20 years ago. We are 50's and married 30 years. He doesn't want to leave. Wants to work on marriage. I feel it is mostly "talk". I no longer feel love for him. I wonder how many other times I didn't catch him. I am afraid to push for a divorce because 1) He doesn't want it and will be difficult to deal with 2) I only work part time, can probably find full time but will never make the salary that he brings to the marriage 3) I have many single/divorced girlfriends who have not been succesful in finding another man.

So, to all who have made the break, Are you happy now?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 2:15pm

Unless you still have a young child at home, I think that I am not in your shoes. Because I am very busy working and raising my child, and because of the scary kinds of men I see out there in the meat market, dating is NOT on my priority list right now. I think that for some people, wondering whether they can get another relationship is not a good way to make the decision on whether to leave their current relationship. Maybe that's not a good way for anyone to look at it.

Your husband has proven through actions that he cares less than he should about your feelings and your safety. He doesn't respect you, so you would have to be blind to respect him. So there cannot be the kind of love that most of us are looking for in a marriage. Possibly you will want to be free to seek that again. But you don't have to be in a rush.

I think that while you are deciding, you can begin the process of re-modeling your life. Start taking the small steps now, and wait to see when you will feel ready for the big ones. (Divorce) You should be seeking whatever help is best for you to heal from the betrayal. And you can begin exploring new opportunities for meeting and mixing with people (maybe start with women, since you might carry over some anger with men right now). You can return to persuing new (or old) hobbies and interests. You can begin letting go of being actively in your marriage and caring for/about him. Begin replacing that with caring for and about yourself and your new interests. Do things every day to find some happiness. You will need it while you are waiting for the pain of his affair to fade.

Stick your toes in the water. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 3:37pm
I guess I am Looking for an answer to an unanswerable question. Will I be happy if I go through the mess of a divorce. I feel as though the only reason I don't push for divorce is because I am overwhelmed with the thought of going through a messy divorce. I know I am NOT happy now. People have told me, hang in there and when we both get older we'll be happy we stayed together. I just don't feel any sexual desire for him. I'm not sure it will ever come back. I don't know why???? Is it me? Am I wrong not to want to stay? Why am I afraid of leaving?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 5:00pm

new2this28...

Pianoguy thinks that 'loneliness can be a mixed blessing!'

On the positive side...a single person can make whatever decisions he or she wants to WITHOUT consulting a partner. This comes to everything from food intake to socializing.
Your budget and stamina really determine how many extracurricular activities you're capable of handling.

On the negative side...the monetary and emotional cost of being single can be brutal. Putting the fiancial stuff aside, there are some of us who JUST CAN'T BE COMPLETELY ALONE! So we adopt a pet, take enrichment courses, do volunteer work...almost ANYTHING to avoid the curse of being by ourselves! Others don't notice or mind the isolation EXCEPT during the holiday seasons or during special personal times (like birthdays or the date of an anniversary).

Without sounding like I'm 'taking your husband's side'---you might want to ask him HOW BADLY HE WANTS TO CONTINUE YOUR MARRIAGE? And then see if he's willing to try counselling for a while?

If YOU are 100% sure that any amount of counselling WON'T save the 30 years you've been together...then perhaps it's time to "cut the chord?"

GOOD LUCK in whatever you decide to do!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 9:27pm
Well in my case being alone is definitely better. I was widowed for 8 years before I remarried. And I am looking at a divorce as much better than my marriage. I've worked on this marriage for 4 years and as of tonight I am through. I plan on calling my attorney tomorrow. I know it must be a scary situation for you. Yes being single is hard, but I have found being married is harder. I know I will be happier without my spouse.
Mommaloulou

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 10:08pm

I'm 47, made the break - it's better being alone by myself than lonely with someone - especially a cheater. Even if I don't find another man - I'd be better off with some cats, they're less maintenance and more reliable.....

I'm happy because I'm not miserable with someone......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 12:10am
I think that says it all.... the goal is to get to a place that is better than where you're already at... and sometimes, that does mean being "alone".... just don't ever confuse being alone with being "lonely".

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 10:25am

Thank you all for your input. Pianoguy hit the nerve. I am very concerned with really being "alone". The holidays, special occasion thing, etc...

I have been with him since I was 19 yrs. old and am now 53! It will be a BIG transition. I have friends, but it's not the same as having that one special person. And now that I think back, he wasn't THAT special, just there (in front of the T.V.) so I didn't feel like such a loser.

I really need to muster up the courage to leap off the top of this tall building and hope for a soft landing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 11:09am

new2this28...

PG would like to add one more comment to your last one....which was:

"I really need to muster up the courage to leap off the top of this tall building and hope for a soft landing."

If you're seriously planning TO JUMP...I think you'll find that you have several friends and family members close by...who will do their best to 'make your fall less painful?'

From one who has been in "single mode" for 5 years, the holidays ARE DEFINITELY the worst! As much as I give of myself to others (through gifts, my music or something connected with the season), I often walk away feeling more than a little sad.

Maybe it's because I know that the only other individual residing in my condo is an affectionate 13-year old border collie! And even though Wimpy is very loving, she'll never be able to duet (with me) on a Christmas carol or help me decorate a tree!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 12:06pm

nobody can give you an answer - we are all different. we all were in different situations. and we all faced/are facing different situations (financially/socially) being divorced.

for me ---- it is a million times better to be 'alone' than to be lonely (as i was in my marriage). i am not lonely now - i have my life, i have my career, i went back to school - i am looking to form some kind of new friendships, along with my 'old ' ones. in short - i find my life fulfilling and challenging. but it was definately a huge leap of faith. i didn't KNOW in advance what was going to be. all i knew was that i had exhausted every avenue of help IN the marriage, and i knew that 'what i had' was not good enuf for me. my ex was emotioanlly and financially abusiv and controlling to me and to my son (from a previous marriage). i walked out with NOTHING. and i am slowly healing and rebuilding myself and my future. but i would NEVER go back to that - not in a billion years.

i think that if your husband cheated on you , you NEED therapy, whether you stay in the marriage or not. because you have been betrayed and you have and are going to have trust issues. so get the help, and talk to the therapist about everything. you will be much stronger and much healthier and more able to deal with a divorce or rebuilding the marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2005
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 1:09am

I have not even filed papers yet and can't wait to be divorced. My STBX-husband disgusts me at the moment, he had three affairs in two years and has made extremely poor choices during our marriage that I didn't see then but see very clearly now. I feel crushed and saddened for our 5 year old, but I can at least say I tried--three strikes and you are out. We did counseling, romantic vacations, everything, he just couldn't contain himself. Once they get started, they don't stop having affairs. The day I kicked him out was the most liberating day of my life. I know our divorce itself is going to be messy and horrible but it is only temporary. I just turned 40 and wasted 16 years with less than a man. I am looking forward to making up for it, either by myself (with my son by my side) or with a real man someday although it isn't required or expected. I am happy now just living my own life on my own terms, not trying to constantly keep a marriage that would never work.

Robin, Jesse's mom

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