It is final

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2006
It is final
6
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 8:27pm

now that my divorce is officially final for almost a week my sadness has gotten worse. I guess i should give some history since i'm new here...

i'm 24 years old and was married for 2 weeks shy of a year and a half. my husband was military. i was out of town the day he called and told me that he didnt love me anymore. he went into minimal detail as to why he wanted a divorce and to this day i have no clear rational answer as to why this is what he desired. now i know we didn't have the perfect relationship, but then again who does. i wanted to work at it, go to counseling, do anything that it would take. but he didn't want to do it. he had a myspace and days after he told me, instantly women appeared on there. i found evidence that cheating was probably involved in his decision making as well has his "friends". 2 weeks before my ex told me that he wanted our marriage over, we discussed having children and his discharge from the military. everything before then was ok.

now, after asking him to change his mind numerous times. telling him that i would do anything to make it work, it's been 4 months since i've been seperated and now divorced from him.

before it was official, when we were just seperated, it didn't hurt as bad, i was able to function, i was sad but it was manageable. now the sadness is 20 times worse and i can't seem to get my mind off of him, us, our marriage. i know that there wasn't true faithfullness in our relationship on his part, i've seen pictures, i've heard the phone calls. but as stupid as it sounds, i miss him, i still love him.

When i stood before him that day, in that church, before God, i meant every word i said. I wanted to be his wife, the mother of his children and his partner in life. i feel so betrayed and alone. i dont know how to move on.

does anyone have any advice on how to move on, how to cope and function? I hate that he has brought me down like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: rn2md_tx2nyc
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 8:05pm

It's hard when you don't know "why, why, why???"


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
In reply to: rn2md_tx2nyc
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 7:35am
Im soo sorry you are feeling this way :( But it seems like you are such a better person than your husband and you deserve better than him. I know you want him, but what if he said he would come back and kept lying and cheating on you? Would be you able to live with that because cheating doesnt just stop if he has some kind of relationship with someone else. People do not change overnight.
You should be thankful you didn't have children with him because things would only be worse. It's normal to still feel love for him, but you need to tell yourself that you dont need him anymore, you need more than what he can give you. Do you see a counselor? If you don't, you should see one, what you have been through and what you're going through is traumatic. I am right there with you, my husband left me with 2 very young children for another woman. It seems everything just changed overnight. One day we were talking about vacations, getting a new furnace and air conditioner in our house, then the next day I found out he was cheating and left me. I just know now that I don't need that in my life, and I would rather be by myself rather than listening to his lies. I wish you the best of luck, it will get better for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
In reply to: rn2md_tx2nyc
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 1:49pm

Hi RN2,


Divorce is a series of events or milestones, not one single action. There is sadness (or anger, etc) at many points along the way. The new sadness you feel since the divorce was legally final is the "point of no return" for your hope that somehow your marriage might be salvaged. And, it wasn't. Allow yourself the opportunity grieve, because this is a loss. It's also perfectly normal to ask why, why, why? (I remember beating my head against the wall asking the same question 9 years ago.)


I encourage you to seek out a divorce support group. There you can process your loss with others experiencing the same. This will also give you a place to ask why and hear others ask the same question. Eventually, you'll be able to let go of your loss and move forward.


I also recommend a terrific book called, "Rebuilding: When your relationship ends." by Bruce Fisher. It reads like a roadmap to breaking up. Pick up a copy at the library or bookstore. My only other advice is this: In time you'll look upon this as a gift. That is? A second chance to make your life whatever you want.


Take care of yourself for now.


Peace and blessings,


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2006
In reply to: rn2md_tx2nyc
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 4:50pm

I thank all of you for your kind words of encouragement. he called me today and spoke to me in a very emotionless, monotone voice saying that the final papers from the court are going to be mailed to me soon. I didn't answer when he called, i couldn't. But i didn't cry when i listened to the message. i was ok.

i think that in my subconscious i'm angry, i have dreams that i'm hurting him (i.e. pushing him down the stairs, punching him and yelling at him). I feel horrible when i wake up because i hurt him in my dream. but as a few days have passed since i dreamt those bad things i dont feel so bad anymore. i can't say the things to him that i want to, to get my anger out in person, so my sleep takes care of it for me. one line i kept repeating to my ex in my dream was "i'll always be better than you".

i know that my ex had a future for him if he was going to get out of the military (he wasn't progressing due to his rate so it was better for him to get out). one of the reasons for our divorce is that he wanted to spend HIS money how HE wanted. well if we would have stayed together with our two careers combined would have been making close to $100,000. and a few years down the road after i finish up med school we would be making much more than that.

i realized that he threw things away, i still have what i need. i have a wonderful family and awesome friends, a great future (i'm about to graduate from nursing school and i am going to go to med school), and i'm a smart pretty girl. right now i have no desire to date, Lord knows i dont need the drama right now, more strength is needed for that. but i realize that i will get stronger, that i will be ok and that i will be happy.

it just stinks when you're out, and you see those happy hand holding couples, you smell a man walk by and he's wearing your ex's cologne. the holidays that you will no longer have together. i know christmas is going to be hard, but i have many more to share with someone that i love but more importantly, loves me.

i joined here to be able to be part of a group of women who are going through or who have gone through such a tragic event in their lives. i thank you all for understanding and voicing your opinion. they help so much. i'm sure right now i'm this elated and happy just because it's friday, i had a great day at work and i get to spend the evening watching my brother play football. but i think that there is a piece, just a little part of my heart that has made the decision to heal. because after all, i know he's not crying ANY tears over me now, but he will be someday.

much love and thanks.
a

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
In reply to: rn2md_tx2nyc
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 2:16am


I am so happy you are starting to heal. I am not divorced yet but it's coming. I love him but the man he has become is not the man that I married, or the man I want to be married to. He would have to do a complete 360 PLUS a 180 to even resemble the man I fell in love with.

We have been separated for two years now. I initially asked for a divorce because I was not happy and I wanted him to realize that. There is some other drama associated with that, which I will save for another time. I know I spoke out of anger but things had gone on long enough. I couldn't accept the way things were, but I would try if he were only willing to try to change as well. Anyway, long story short several months later he decided to leave. I was almost 3 months pregnant with our son.

I am filled with so much regret. He tells me that he would have never even thought of divorce had I not brought it up. That tears me up inside, but I also know that it's a control tactic used to put me at fault. However, I still feel that it is all my fault somehow. He moved on with his life pretty quickly thereafter. Partying and staying out all night. He wasn't helping with buying anything for the baby. Instead he was off taking trips to this place and that.

I still had hope that we could work things out and here I am pregnant again. It's like he wants this life...just not full time. I'm left to pick up the pieces. I'm left to be full time mommy and he gets to be weekend daddy.

Thank your lucky stars that you do not have children with this man. Otherwise you would be forever tied to him. I'm sure it has got to be easier to heal knowing that you will never have to see him again in life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to belittle your feelings as I'm sure you will forever have some sort of connection to him. I'm just trying to relate it to my own life. I'm quite certain I would have divorced him 2 years ago had we not had children. At least I'd like to thing so. I would consider it a blessing to not know what he’s doing with his life. Its going to kill me should I have to witness him get re-married someday and send my children over there to play happy family with them. It’s so much worse having to stay in constant contact.

You have your entire life ahead of you. You're graduating. You're going to med school. You're still young and "pretty" as you've stated and you have no children to be concerned with. Any man would consider himself lucky to have you. Just keep that in mind. Along with "because after all, i know he's not crying ANY tears over me now, but he will be someday." No truer words have ever been spoken.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2006
In reply to: rn2md_tx2nyc
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 11:27pm

so i'm on a downward slope again. tonight, being stupid, i looked on his myspace. i saw things on there that i never should have seen. pictures with another woman, a message from another suggesting racey text messages to each other. why do i do this to myself? he has every right to be doing those things, but i can't stand it.

i keep having these memory flashbacks to the last times we were together. i hate it. i just wish he would hurt, like i hurt.

i'm so fustrated