Is it just the guilt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Is it just the guilt?
3
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 10:41pm
I have posted here before. Long story short, my husband left me and our 9 month old last November. All of a sudden we have nothing in commen blah, blah, blah. Translation: I can't handle the responsibility of a son, I must run out and act like a teenager with a woman who left her husband and is also acting like a teenager. So he has a crisis, blames it on me, leaves me with our son, the house, enormous debt I could go on. We are filing for a legal separation. At first I thought he would come through see the light so i waited. Now I am just so disgusted with the person he has become and the way he treats others, I just can't imagine reconciling even if he asked. I can change the separation to divorce, but I just can't find peace with it. Part of me feels like he started it let him finish it. Part of me doesn't want to do the deed. Part of me feels like I wouldn't have given it my best. Part of me feels like I would be sentencing my son to this life forever. Part of me feels like it would be my fault. Part of me worries about God. Part of me knows we are better without him then how he has become. Is it just the guilt? Or am I just not ready?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 1:34am
In your list of questions to yourself, you didn't mention "Is it that I still love him?" I am sure like many of us on this site, you love the "old him," the one who you envisioned spending a lifetime with and couldn't imagine living without. But the man he is today is, no doubt, far from that man, and maybe part of what you are experiencing now is a result of still having the tiniest bit of hope that he will snap out of it and become the man you desperately hope he still is deep down. Perhaps it is guilt, everything else you mentioned, and a whole lot more. I wish you strength and courage. Know that you are not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 8:08am

Don't know really, but I know it took me 6 months to take off my wedding band so I think that is part of the same reluctance. He had to do something really low to get me to finally decide to take it off -- that I no longer wanted any symbol of my relationship with him.

And, like you, although I didn't want the divorce, I now wouldn't take the &^% back because of how he has behaved and who he has become. I, too, have young children--my heart breaks mostly for them.

You will move it along when you are ready.

Hugs,

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 8:09am
Do I love who he is now? No. Did I love the man I married, like no one else in my life. Do I want to admit that I love old him. No, that is pride and denial. Thanks for pointing it out to me.