It never ends!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
It never ends!
2
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 3:26pm

Sorry if this gets wordy, but I'm so frustrated right now and confused I just had to vent.

So, I filed for divorce last summer and got my mandatory parenting class done right away. My ex responded to the papers a month later and told me he would take care of his parenting class. As the months have dragged on and I have tried to work out a settlement agreement about parenting time and dividing assets, my ex has gotten progressively more difficult to deal with and more hostile. He is very angry about the divorce (primarily because he actually had to go get a job after all the years I've supported him and put him through school, etc.). I have made concession after concession (even things my attorney has said I could win in court) because I wanted to smooth things over and come up with an agreement we could both live with, in hopes that we could have at least a civil relationship for our son's sake.

In February he finally signed the settlement agreement and we submitted it to the court, but I just found out yesterday from my attorney that it was tossed out because guess who never took their required parenting class?! Now we have to go to the hearing that was scheduled back in October, but the twist is that my ex has already bought plane tickets to Hong Kong for his "divorce celebration" trip with some guy friends and would be out of the country on that date. He has no recollection that there ever was a hearing date scheduled back then, and he never retained an attorney because he was too cheap to pay for one so he has no attorney to remind him of this hearing. If he doesn't show for the hearing AND never took his parenting class, my attorney says we can probably get the judge to adjust the previous settlement agreement a little bit in my favor and maybe get my ex to cover my attorney fees (since going to court is a result of his being slack).

My dilemma is whether or not to notify him of the hearing before he goes out of the country or not. He could ask the court to change the hearing date to later if I give him some notice. Then at the future hearing I might have a harder time getting things to go as smoothly in my favor, but I am a little worried about him coming back from his trip and deciding that I snuck something through behind his back. He's already made plenty of subtle threats toward me (and that's with me making concessions left and right), so I don't think he'd think twice about retaliating if he felt I had screwed him over.

What do I do!?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 5:06pm

It's his choice to be irresponsible. You aren't his mother, keeper, or attorney. You have no obligation to be his secretary either, you've already afforded him more leisure in his workfree life than you should have been required. If you can keep yourself organized enough to followthrough on your responsibilities, so can he. He's a grown man and should be more than capable of taking care of himself. Let him sink in his own ship if he chooses, that's the only way he'll learn to step up. He cannot blame his lack of responsibility or the result of it on you.

Just take care of you and your child, and don't feel a bit guilty about it. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 5:18pm

I'm not an attorney, and I don't pretend to be an attorney. But if I were you, and your attorney knows that he's been previously served with a Notice of Hearing, your obligation to make sure he's there is over. You should be granted a default judgment for whatever you asked for. He can file for either a motion to set aside the judgment or whatever it's called in your state, and then it's up the a judge to decide how to handle it. I think it would all depend on what the motion said.

Again, I'm not a lawyer - I don't know the rules where you live.... but suggest this to your attorney.