It seems inevitable...at some point

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
It seems inevitable...at some point
5
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 10:37pm

I have been crying all evening and I need to get some of this out. I'm really starting to think that my husband will NEVER be happy with our situation and there is nothing I can truly do to change this. We had a fast courtship. We were best friends and were engaged by six months. We had a year and a half engagement leading up to a big Disney wedding. Over that year and a half, if I'm going to be honest, we probably realized many times that we weren't right for each other, but we kept pressing on. We both came from good solid families. No divorce. In fact his parents have been together since they were 14! It felt secure, and the wedding plans made plans of their own and we were married June 2003. We were both 23 at the time.

Well since then he has never been happy. We were always a little physically mismatched, and I don't mean that it a mean way. People were always giving him a hard time about how he "snagged me" etc. I was the sorority girl/cheerleader, and he is overweight. I thought he was "cute" but was never totally turned on by him. I really just loved his personality (which was totally changed over the years) Unfortunately this never helped our sex life. I have no libido practically. I was always looking for a reason not to have sex...but I digress...

It was as if he felt our marriage was a mistake from the beginning and that he was too young and didn't want the responsibility. Then less than a year after we got married, I unexpected became pregnant. It was a hard time. He even said tonight that if we didn't have our son he probably would have tried to make a break for it earlier.
I am a very optomistic person and always think we are really blessed. My husband has a good job, we have a nice house, our families are strong and we are all healthy. I have a wonderful son, and I am now 7 months pregnant with our second son.

Problem is, it is never enough. DH tells me all the time about things that I can do or change to help him feel happier, but once I work on something he finds something else I'm doing that is annoying him. He is totally aware that he does this, and has recently started seeing someone.

He is just always saying that he has lost the will to try on this relationship. He honestly just thinks our personalities aren't compatible, and that he is unhappy. He doesn't want to be married to anyone. He just wants to be alone. Be single. Work, come home to a nice quiet house, and do what he wants. He doesn't want the responsibility he has created.

I constantly feel unwanted and like an annoyance in my own home, which is a terrible way to feel. He treats me like an annoyance and tells me I'm annoying all the time.

It seems like there is nothing to get past. We are literally here for the kids. At 28 years old. He just isn't happy being married to me. Period. End of story. Story hasn't changed our entire relationship. But I'm PREGNANT!!!!! With a second child!! My first son has special needs and I stay at home with him and go with him to classes to help his developmental delays. I have my college degree, but other than nannying, I have been a stay at home mom this entire marriage, so what do I do?
It feels like there is no other option that someone leaving. I feel like I deserve more than being with someone who wishes I would just "go away". But what is my other option? Working a minimum wage job full time and living in a tiny apartment somewhere? I know millions do it....it is just so scary....since right now I'm somewhat financially secure and can be with my kids. My husband isn't a bad guy. He is a very hard worker, and he loves my son to pieces, but how does a marriage work when one half just wants OUT the whole time, and every few weeks you end up in a "talk" where he is explaining this.

Should I just leave for a few weeks? Let him see what it is like when we AREN'T here, since that is what he truly wants? I'm just heartbroken. I don't want to be divorced. I want a happy marriage, family, and life, but how do I do this when the other half wishes I would disappear and leave him in peace? Sorry this is sooooooo long. It has just been a heart wrenching night.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 4:41am

Grays,


I'd have one blunt thing to say to your husband: Grow up.


According to your post, your husband thinks someone else is responsible for his happiness. You, his wife, are not. His kids aren't. He is. Period.


And what garbage to say in one breath he wants to "be alone" and the next starts "seeing someone." That's a sure sign he's still acting like a 12-year-old.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 8:18am
Hello, and thank you for the quick response! I was so upset I may not have been clear...by seeing someone, I meant a therapist. Not a girlfriend! OMG...if he was seeing a girlfriend that would be a whole other post. No, he realizes that he is constantly finding things about me to change to maybe make him happy in the relationship, but it isn't working...that is why he is seeing the therapist. He knows the happiest needs to come from HIM. The thing is, is that he isn't happy being with me. With my personality. I can't change that and I feel like a failure. I feel like my dream of having a solid marriage and family is over. It's just a matter of when. I know he would stick around until the kids got older....but who wants to do that! One is 2 and a half, and the other isn't even BORN yet! I just have a knot in my stomach that won't go away. This conversation has happened MANY times before. He will be nice and loving today probably...and we will carry on our lives...until the next conversation about how he just isn't happy and is basically stuck in a life he doesn't want. It is exhausting. But I have two small children! I feel just awful.



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Registered: 10-10-2006
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 9:18am

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through!


2 things jump out at me when I read your situation:


1.Your husband is seeing someone else


2.He berates you and makes you feel like you can't do anything to make him happy


(WHICH THESE 2 THINGS SHOW A SEVERE LACK OF RESPECT FOR YOU)


SO-


I would say for you to sit down and ask yourself


"Is this the way you want to live the rest of your life?


I would give yourself enough time to have your baby, recover from the birth, then I would get a divorce from him. That would give you enough time to figure out what you want to do. Yeah, it's scary being a single mom and what's scarier and sadder is living in a marriage where your husband has no respect or love for you.


There are always going to be men out there that won't be happy no matter what their wife does. He's going to cheat on her, abuse her, berate her, etc. But, guess what? You have a choice of whether or not you're going to be that woman. You can't change him.


Let him see what life without you is.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 1:52pm
Hello...I wanted to add again...because the other poster said this too...that when I said "seeing someone" I meant a therapist! Not another woman. He realizes that it isn't fair looking to me for happiness, so he is talking to someone and has been put on some medication that so far...ain't working!



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Registered: 06-04-2007
Sat, 11-10-2007 - 6:04pm