Is it time to get divorced?
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| Fri, 07-21-2006 - 7:46pm |
How do you know when it's time to let go of a marriage? (I apologize for the length!)
My husband and I have been married for almost 5 1/2 years. In April 2006 he filed for divorce, against my wishes, and then we stopped it almost a month later because we wanted to make our marriage work and we loved each other. I thought that things would begin to improve, over time, with 100% effort from both of us. We had agreed to start marriage counseling, and even though we were getting upset emotions were being express, I thought that was a good thing. I didn't always like to hear what he had to say to me, and he didn't like what I had to say sometimes either, but it was getting out and we were working towards a resolution of the problems that had put us at Divorce earlier. He was becoming more affectionate towards me. We had even agreed that divorce wasn't an option to us, and we both placed a certain security in that.
Well about 2-3 weeks ago, I gave him an ultimatium. I wanted him to stop talking to this girl Christina. I said "Her, or Me?" and "Get rid of her!" ..This is completely out of my nature, I am not the kind of person that would make people chose...I did it this one time and felt completely out of place making this demand. He refused to choose me over her. He didn't chose her, but he sure didn't pick me either. This infuriated me, I told him that I was leaving. I slept upstairs that night, and the following morning he continously asked me if I was going to follow through with my Ultimatium. Which I didn't.
(A little back ground on Christina. They had met nearly 15 years ago on a cruise. My husband really liked her then but she always had a boyfriend. I hadn't really heard much about her for the first 5 years or so of our marriage, I know he wasn't talking to her at all, but as soon as our marriage starts getting rocky she is his best friend in the whole world. She also sends him emails stating, "We can live happily ever after as a twice divorced couple." This woman has recently had marriage problems of her own. She even told her husband that my husband would take care of her and that she had a place to go if he did't start treating her better. My husband thought this was funny, because it "wasn't said to him." The only thing that keeps me from thinking that something is going on with this woman is that she lives in California and We live in Texas.)
Since the ultimatium, my husband has been cold and distant. He is emotionally closed off to me. If I was just his friend, it would be a great relationship... He has made comments to me like, "I am indifferent to you being here," "I have no sexual desire," and I can't remember the last time he told me that he loved me. He has said it to me only 3 times since the ultimatium.
On Thursday morning he and my step-daughters went to California. I have only heard from him once since they left. He called me when his flight got in. I have called him and left messages with him to call me back today, but to no avail. It's as if he is telling me in his own way that he is finished, without the confrontation. He was supposedly going to see his parents...That's another story all in it's self. They hate me to put it mildly, his mother offered to pay for a prostitute to cleanse him of me. They have told me that I am not welcomed in their home. But I don't believe my husband is staying with his parents. I think he dropped the girls off, and has left to stay or visit his "friend" Christina, who only lives an hour away from his parents house. I may be paranoid, but I do have basis for this paranoia, the reason we were going to get divorced in the first place is because he had what he calls an "emotional" affair, but I don't believe that's all it was. He was emotionally involved with another married woman.
He doesn't come back for another 4 days and I am so tempted to pack up all of my stuff and be gone by the time he gets back home. If he is even planning on really coming home.
I can't help but feel this is the chicken way to do things, but I know it will be the easiest. It will be devastating to the girls, they have lived with us for 5 years, and they both consider me to be "mom." They are often what I will miss most. I know that if I leave this way, he won't let me see them again and he will probably tell them that I left him and make me out to be the bad person.
I do love my husband, but when is enough enough? How do you know when things are over and it's time to pack up and go? I don't want my marriage to end, but I don't want to live like this anymore. I deserve to have a man that loves and desires me emotionally and physically. One day I desire to experience child birth, and the 2 times we've had sex in the last 2-3 weeks, he wants to use a condom to prevent an accident. We only used condoms in the beginning of our relationship. Once we got engaged, we stopped. Is he trying to get me to leave? Was he disappointed that I didn't follow through with the ultimatium? Can this marriage be saved? I just don't know anymore! It's as if he doesn't care about our house or family any more, only when it's related to me.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Please don't hesitate to be honest.
Thanks,
Geckdragon

Never make an ultimatum unless you fully intend on following through because if you don't follow through, your word means nothing from that point forward, he now knows he can walk all over you and you will not do anything you say you are going to do.
As far as everything else, I'm surprised you have stayed as long as you have, his family offered to pay for a prostitute? How grossly disrespectful and how grossly disrespectful that your husband thinks it's perfectly okay that you aren't welcome in their home??? Why aren't you welcome?
If your husband is keeping time (emotionally or physically) with another woman that is sending him emails about wanting to leave her husband, about your husband taking care of her and other romantic notions and he REFUSES to stop it. HANG IT UP!!!! A WS has to get rid of the OW before any reconciliation can take place and he point blank refuses to give up his mistress. I don't see that there is a future.
If it is easier for you to leave while he's gone, than cowardly or not, I say do it when it's easiest for you, because it's hard to leave someone, it's hard to walk away from a life and I think it's even harder when they are standing right there glaring at you. So if you have found the courage to do it and he happens to be away and you want to do it now, then I wouldn't worry about whether or not other people view it as cowardly. Protect your heart now. He is cheating on you (emotionally or otherwise) it's still cheating and he refuses to give her up. That's a pretty bold statement to you. It's emotionally abusive and you can no longer be in the home pretending its not happening.
i would say its way PAST time to get divorced.
sorry - i know this is hard for you. but your marriage is a sham - your husband is cheating on you (in my book, it doesn't matter if there is acutally anything physical going on or not. even if its 'just' emotional - that is cheating, because he is taking away from 'your' relationhip). your husband allows his family to disrespect you and doesn't stand up for you. your husband is not willing to work on the issues that caused this problems.
my advice to you is to contact a lawyer asap. take the time that your husband is away to go thru papers, bank statements, deeds, etc and make copies of everything.
i am sorry for your pain
Oh, sally, truer words have never been spoken! I wish you'd been around to kick me in the behind when I made that mistake several years ago! It is true....when you're unwilling or unable to follow through, he think's you'll never actually act on your ultimatum.
BUT...geckdragon...it's not too late for you to hold up your end of the ultimatum. I think you said it best, "I deserve to have a man that loves and desires me emotionally and physically." That is 100% true. This man is showing a terrible amount of disrespect for your marriage. You truly gave your marriage a second chance, and it honestly doesn't look like he was willing to make the needed changes to sustain it. I'm sorry. Hang in there.
I agree with the others. If it's easier to leave while he's gone then do it. You're not trying to make this easier on him. Get copies of everything you can. He's treated you so disrespectfully that you need to get out and save yourself. You deserve better than that.
Good luck.