Is it too soon to move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Is it too soon to move on?
Sat, 04-22-2006 - 1:31pm

I'm a 27 year old female & have been seperated for 3 months now from stbx. I've posted before about our situation but here's a quick run down. We were married for 9 1/2 years & have a 5 year old son by birth & 2 year old adopted daughter. As a child, stbx was sexually & mentally abused by his father & never got over it. He's a great guy, but a horrible husband. I think our marriage has really been over for years, but we both were just trying to hold on because everyone says it's the right thing to do. We faked being happy when in public. When he had an affair, I left. We're still on friendly terms & we're not fighting. We haven't told but a couple of people about stbx's affair & why our marriage is ending.
We have a 42 year old(male) mutual friend that stbx has known for 15 years and I've know him for 10. In the last 2 years, mutual friend & I have become very close. We've had a bit of a crush on each other for a couple of years, but would NEVER spoke of it or acted on it while married. We have alot in common & have so much fun together. Stbx has intimacy issues that even extend into his friendships, so he keeps all his friends at a distance. Every one of his friends have complained that they hate that he pushes everyone away. Stbx is just so stand-offish.
Mutual friend left his abusive, nutjob wife of 18 years in October & his divorce will be final this week. His marriage, like mine, was over years ago, but was recently laid to rest. I was there for him as a friend when he left his wife & tried to help in any way I could. When I left stbx, mutual friend did the same for me. Now, the relationship with mutual friend is changing into something more. About 6 weeks ago, mutual friend asked me on a date & I accepted. Well, now we've been on about 6 dates & I enjoy my time with him. He makes me feel alive! His 16 year old daughter knows we're dating & is happy with it, but I think my kids are too young to know. Mutual friend and I are very careful in my kid's presence. He's been around all of their lives, so it's not unusual to have him visit us. It would be unusual if he didn't visit. We NEVER even hug when the kids are home. I only plan to tell the kids about any romantic relationship if I were to become engaged. I don't think it's healthy for them to see men coming & going from my life.
Stbx knows about my relationship with our friend & he seems to be fine with it. Stbx says he knows he can't give me what I need emotionally from a relationship & says he wants me to be happy & if it's with mutual friend, that's fine. Stbx knows that this relationship just recently began & doesn't think it was prior to our seperation. Stbx started dating multiple women immediately. We're using the same atty. because we don't have any disagreements about the divorce. Our atty drew up the papers & we both signed off saying that no matter what, we would NOT attempt to claim adultry on eachother, so we're free to date.

We're receiving 2 different responses from people.
HE'S TOO OLD - I disagree. He's mature, but doesn't act "old." He's very active and likes to try new things.
WE LEFT OUR SPOUSES FOR EACHOTHER - Nope. We didn't. We never discussed dating or even liking eachother before leaving.

The other night, a guy actually joked with me, saying that we left our spouses for eachother! He's the owner of a comedy show me & mutual friend have been going to for years. I became very angry & couldn't hold it in, saying "IF ONE OF YOUR COMEDIANS HADN'T BLOWN MY HUSBAND, WE WOULDN'T BE GETTING DIVORCED!!!" He was shocked because he didn't have a clue. He asked which girl & I told him. He asked if he could tell his wife (who is friends with the other woman) and I asked him to please keep this private. He said he wanted to ask her to not preform at the comedy show anymore & didn't want her around to make me more comfortable. I agreed to that, but asked that he tell the other woman in private & absolutely not tell anyone else. I'm sure I can trust him.

Mutual friend has been told by several friends that I'm too hot for him. :( That's just mean!

Is it too soon to move on? Why do I feel so guilty for liking him? How do I make sure I don't use him as the rebound guy? My marriage lacked affection, romance & intimacy... am I wrong to want that so soon? He makes me feel alive, wanted, needed, special, desireable and so much more!

Mutual friend has a business trip for the weekend in 2 weeks & it mostly consists of couples. He asked me to go & I accepted. We will be sharing a hotel room, but I made it clear that he should NOT expect sex. I am not one to sleep around & I've only had a few sexual partners in my life. I haven't told him, but if it happens, it happens, but I don't want to lead him to think it's guaranteed. I really like this guy so much & I am certain he likes me just as much. But why am I so scared and why am I so afraid I may do something wrong? This relationship feels so right! Is it dumb to worry about what other people think? I don't want people to think I'm a loose woman.