It's been 4 months since my divorce....
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 10-26-2005 - 4:24pm |
and I'm still struggling with it every single day. You see, we did not have a controlling, abusive, or mentally unstable relationship (i'm sorry for those of you that have had to go through that!! I've seen others go through it...) we had 17 years together, 10+ of those married... and we were happy throughout that time... until last December 29 when he finally told me he wasn't happy anymore and that he wasn't "in love" with me...and had been feeling that way for months... was moving away from me emotionally for months but didn't say anything... well after that night he said he wanted to try... he thought we owed it to our relationship to see if i could be fixed. I ended up moving out on Sunday, January 30 from my beautiful home into a tiny furnished apartment. This time apart was for us to take it slow, date, start to maybe fall back in love again, work on things.... then 28 days later, after he did some "soul searching" he told me there was nothing left in his heart that made him want to try. I was devastated to say the least... The very next day I went and got a lawyer... You see... I'm VERY stubborn and I was going to give him what he wanted which was OUT. (although he did tell me that he talked to his mom that same night and she asked if if there was any reason to file right away... he said NO!) I figured there was no sense hanging on to someone that didn't want me anymore. The hurt, frustration, confusion, etc. of why he didn't tell me he was not feeling close to me for MONTHS was just more then I could bear. I've tried to move on with my life by dating someone exclusively... but i can't seem to actually move on. I can't give him what he wants... love, a future, etc. because i'm emotionally unavailable and I can't seem to let go of the last 17 years... I lost my best friend and I lost myself... which I'm working on finding me again and am doing pretty good... (some ppl have gone so far as to tell me they like me better now that I'm divorced)... I'd just like to know when I'll stop crying about this... I tried therapy and it didn't do much for me... i guess I'm not seeking advice for anything... it's over... it's just that accepting it has been so hard... and I've tried so hard to get past this... am I being to hard on myself by thinking this is something I can get over fast?? (i tend to be very hard on myself about things like that...)
sorry for the long post
Ali

Hey Ali,
Good to see you again.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
My heart goes out to you. I can feel the pain in my bones. Do you have children?
I admire your stregnth and courage.
Hugs, Ali. Yep, you are being too hard on yourself. ;) You were with your ex for 17 years and it takes some time to heal from the hurt of losing a longterm relationship, accept and adjust to your new life and start planning a new future. It hasn't even been a year since your initial separation. At that point, I was just beginning to be ok again, and wouldn't say I had recovered my self-esteem and was really 'me' again until about the 2 year mark.
I think you have done a lot of good things for yourself in the time that has passed, but the one thing you can do for yourself now is relax. There is no big rush to get over this. Trying to rush yourself through this and feeling like you shouldn't be feeling the way you are is likely delaying your healing as you're trying to deny yourself the right to feel the way you do. Give yourself permission to grieve the loss of the relationship and figure out who you are now on your own. While casual dating might be good for you, you need to seriously ask yourself whether you're ready to be exclusively dating someone. He may be a great guy, but if you're not ready and you're just dating him because you think you should be as a sign of moving on, you're really shortchanging both yourself and him. If it's meant to be with this guy, then you'll find a way to reconnect after you take some time and space to figure yourself out. If it's not, you'll probably save both of you a lot of hurt if you don't let it go any further than you're ready for.
Hang in there - it does get better.
-sang
I'm so sorry you're feeling so low, but it WON'T last forever. 17 years is a very long time. I divorced after 19 years. One of the most important things I have learned in divorce recovery is that I am responsible for my own happiness. I create it, it doesn't happen to me. Do what makes YOU happy, now that you are single and have no other person to please. And yes, many of us have been through abuse, but it is my personal opinion that the emotional betrayal of one spouse "falling out of love" is every bit as hard if not harder to cope with. I can get angry at what was done to me; falling out of love is a choice that is hard to understand when one spouse still loves the one who chooses to end the marriage.
You say therapy didn't help. I think sometimes it takes "trying on" one or two therapists to find the right fit. You may wish to try someone new if you're still hurting significantly. And keep on talking and writing about it. Also, if there are children, they may need to see a family therapist as well.
Good luck and do something new and creative and exciting. Take care.
Cupcake
Hugs, Brenda
HUGS, Brenda. I know you struggled with the idea of sleeping with your ex. I am in NO way judging you, because LORD knows I've made my mistakes, but you should really rethink this. Being physically close to him makes it SO much harder to detach emotionally.
I know it doesn't seem that way right now, but I PROMISE you that you can live without him. While you are spending your time and energy with him, you could be missing someone who is fully willing to commit to you.
Hang in there. We're here for you and understand exactly what you're going through.
Hugs, Brenda
Thanks everyone... I avoided coming back here for awhile... it's sometimes more then I can bear. I know that time will help but sometimes it feels like I'm never going to be able to let go and move on... thank goodness we didn't have kids... Neither of us wanted them but now that I'm getting older I resent the fact that he can always find someone to have children with if he chooses. I'm not going to ever have them (35 years old with a family history of starting menopause at 38)... and I'm ok with that... but sometimes I wish we would have been less selfish and had children... at least then I'd have a small part of him to hold onto. I haven't talked to or seen him in months... let alone had physical contact with him... he's moved about 4 hours South of the small town I live in (I can relate Brenda... there's about 3500 people in this town and not much to choose from!). I too still think of him as my husband, that i can go home to him, to our house... then it all comes back to me realizing that i can never go back. I had hope, I really, really did, that he would regret it (he had a few moments in May when he thought he wanted to try...but only after the divorce was final)... now the reality of it all is settling in more and more each day that he's gone. the quickness that he showed at getting over this was and is more then i can deal with... amazing how some people can just turn off their emotions... UGH.
and i know that I can't give myself fully to the man I've been dating... and I've been very very honest with him about that... it's his choice to wait for me is what he tells me... and I've told him repeatedly that i don't know what i want, where i'm going to go (the company i work for has been sold so when the sale is completed next spring i may lose my job and have to move), or when i'll be ready to move on.... i think i feel good about being wanted by someone else, let alone someone who is only 27 to my 35! another time, another place things would have been different... but he's my comfort in the storm that is my emotional state right now... without pushing me.
the unfortunate part is that i work with my ex-husbands best friend and some of his other friends... they do not treat me any differently however i do overhear things about my ex... for example that he'll be in town the week of Nov. 21... the upcoming holiday's are going to be rough... they will be my first without him since i was 18... how do you cope? i really don't know! i'll be around people that i love and they love me... but it can't make up for the traditions and celebrating that we did as a married couple.
Ali
Ali,
I feel the same way. We didn't have children either and I so wanted them. I'm 36 and the odds now are very slim. Its true he can date anyone younger and have a child. God he moved on so fast I was shocked and kept asking how could he do this to us? Can't even wait until the divorce before moving on, even getting engaged? What was our marriage about then? Did it mean anything to him? Was our time together so easily forgotten? Days I have been struggling with these thoughts and it just weakens me. Now I have no strenght to fight. Exhaustion has set in.
The holidays will be tough because we had our traditions and celebrations too.
I feel for you and send you many ((hugs)).....and wish you peace for your heart and mind.