It's Done - I left! (update)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
It's Done - I left! (update)
4
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 2:18pm

Ok, so everything went as planned this past Thursday... I had everything out by the early afternoon and ran some errands before going to my moms. (I will be staying there for a month) As I pull up to the house, he's standing outside, so I drive past, call my mom and told her to tell him to back off so she can get the kids and bring them next door so they don't hear what's about to go down...

Very long story short - this was around 6 pm, and we yelled, cried, hugged until about 9pm. He was not angry at all...he was shocked that I left (as I knew he would be) but not mad...he was crying and begging me to come home. I told him it's going to take alot more than an apology for all the crap he's pulled thru the years. I've heard all this before. Eventually he told me he knows why I left and why I had to do it this way. This is his wake up call. He is now waiting for me to write my list of qualities I want in a man so he can be the husband I once had. (It's basically the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of him, so I think it will take a while - lol) He is sooooo sorry, blah blah blah. I had a great time this weekend without him, without worrying about answering to him, etc.

He's been calling me about 10 times a day (maybe more( since Thursday) Sometimes I answer, sometimes I don't. I told him right now we are friends and that's it. My dad said I should still file for the divorce and if he wants to reconcile, we should get remarried. But only after he has proven himself. My dad said as long as we are still married, my husband will have something on me and not realize the reality of everything...I think this is true, but why go thru the expense of divorce only to re-marry? But maybe if we started over again, him courting me and making me fall back in love with him, maybe one day we could have the wedding I wanted so badly...

I don't even know what to think at this point... he says he hasn't smoked (weed) since I left - and yesterday he told me it feels good NOT to be high. He wants to be able to see his kids whenever he wants b/c he doesn't want to be lonely or depressed anymore. I said of course he can see them,they are his kids too! I was worried he wouldn't bring him back, but he reassured me that he's not trying to make things worse on himself, because he knows its not really over between us (ok, whatever) he wants things to be good. So I guess I'll just take things one day at a time and see where life takes us!

Thanks for listening,
Hugs,
Danielle

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 12:16am

OMG.. good for you. Im in a similar situation and want to give my husband that scare too.. he returns tonight from a trip he took without letting me know (other than a voicemail)and had been gone for a week.. something Im used to..always making irrational decisions when we fight and then is sorry and apologizing.. asking for a divorce everytime to get out of his drinking excuses...

i commmend you for being so strong.. everyone here is always so scared and undecided and you did it!! GOOD FOR YOU! im strong right now and hope I can be strong like you and not put up with his crap he;s expecting to come back tonight and wants to talk tomorrow.. which I have already told him no.. im getting a divorce just as he has always wanted.. now his tone has changed and wants to talk about things!! IM sick of the inconsistencies and the promises! again you are an inspiration to me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 12:42pm

Well, I'm happy that I could help...it's hard for me to even think that I could be an inspriation to someone, that means alot that you said that, so thanks! *hugs* I hope you are able to go thru with your plan... as the day got closer, I got soooo nervous and didn't think I would be able to do it. I don't know your husband's temperment, but I thought mine would absolutely FLIP OUT! And he didn't. It made this whole thing that much easier. And I find as each day passes, it gets easier. I know there will be rough days ahead. I'm still at my mother's house right now...I don't know how it will be once we move into our new apartment next month.

If you really want to leave, just do it. SOmetimes you gotta just jump in the pool and get used to it, rather than keep testing the waters, so to speak. It may be a big shock (for him AND for you) but it will get better. And already I feel so much better...I'm happier, and you will be too!

Hugs,
Danielle

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 12:58pm

Hello Danielle.. My name is Gina.. and It really makes me feel better to know you are much happier now. Im new to this stuff and reading everyone's emails depressed me even more.. but when I saw yours it made me feel so much better. I know it must be hard for you too. and although we're still not separated and he hasnt filed .. he's been asking when am I getting the house appraised.. since he wants his share. He just got back from his trip last night and is still talking about the separation. Noone in my family or friends understands his tantrums, and irrational decisions.. that he ALWAYS later regrets. We're both professionals in our 30's and okay on our own financially, we're a good looking couple and have 2 beautiful kids.. there is alot for us to risk and he's taking it so non-chalantly.. I dont understand.. then his mood this morning was more of now getting upset since im agreeing to the separation that he so insists on. I plan to keep the house .. but I know he is the type to fight me tooth and nail for every little thing and that is stressing me out. My parents gifted to me a large sum as a down payment.. last year and I want that back to them.. so I guess I need legal advice. We've only been married 3 years and bought the house 2 yrs ago this August.

Im an emotional wreck right now.. and didnt even feel like working today.. but I think it helps me get my mind off things.. I thought I was going to give him a scare by agreeing to the divorce.. but he seems to be going along with it too .. the sad part I know he truly doesnt want it.. but because his pride, anger and fits he will take it all the way if he has too. I dont understand anything.. and how he could be so hurtful and cruel to just let this happen to our family

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 1:22pm

I know this is so hard for you...and I will be happy to lend an "ear" anytime. Have you guys ever tried counselling? We never did, but I knew it was beyond that...he needs his own counselling to deal with his demons... My situation is different because the ONLY thing we have together are our two beautiful sons. They are the only good thing that came out of our marriage. We were only married 4 years last month. We don't have a house, or any savings...he was a lazy bastard...he was unemployed for 6 months, I had to take care of everything while he sat on his ass doing whatever, and I brought the boys to daycare. He wouldn't even watch his own children, b/c he needed to get high. I was tired of spending every day in a fog... and only having a somewhat decent conversation if he was high.

If you know that your husband doesn't really want this divorce either, then you really need to have a heart to heart to try to figure things out. You should still contact a lawyer, just so you have an idea of what your rights are and what you need to do in the case he does go thru with this. Maybe you both are taking things to this point to scare each other, but feel neither of you can back down. It's never too late if you really love each other.

My parents will be married 37 years in August. But my dad filed for divorce during their first years together...he realized what a mistake he was making and called it off...then he had to convince my mother to take him back. And I don't remember a childhood where there was fighing and tension...everything was good growing up. They had time to fix things before me & my brother came along...

I know you have children, but like I said if you love each other, things will work themselves out... I really wish you the best...

I hope this post made sense...I'm at work and I keep getting distracted. If you want we can exchange email addresses or IM names if you feel the need to talk...just in case I don't get on here all the time...