It's me again

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
It's me again
10
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 9:09pm
Sorry to do this again, but I need to let it out somewhere. I miss my ex husband so much. Tonight when he came to take the boys to a ballgame he looked so handsome. I am considering sleeping with him again. He still asks so I know he still wants me. I know I shouldn't, but it would be some sort of contact. I know he's not perfect and we had our problems, but how do I get him to come home? I want my family back. I am so lonely. Do I just want him because he is familiar? I fell in love with him 20 years ago and I need him. I feel like I am dying without him. He seems so happy to be away from me. I want him to be happy. He's not dating. He's just alone like me. Where did things go so wrong? I tried, but it wasn't good enough to keep him. Heck, I was lucky to land such a handsome man in the first place. I know most of the women around here don't want their ex's back. Am I alone in this feeling? How long does it take to fall out of love?
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 9:28pm

Brenda,

Sweetie, I just want to send lots of hugs your way... I had a tough time after my now xh left too... it is never easy... but you will make it through.

I wouldn't recommend just sleeping with him though... that way he has his cake and well, you know the rest... the familiarity may be way you want him... you were together for quite some time...

Take some time for you... do something nice for yourself... focus on little things that make you smile... and remember that no man is worth tears and the one who is will never make you cry!

*hugs*

Julie

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Sat, 09-24-2005 - 9:14am

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HE was lucky to have a great woman like YOU! Stay strong Brenda. You deserve better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 09-24-2005 - 10:15am

First, HUGS to you. I really understand the feelings of lonliness you have. I know it would feel comfortable to sleep with yout ex, but will that be good for you? Can you imagine how hurt you'll feel when in the end you realize it's not going to go any further than that?

I know this is a terribly difficult time for you...for many of us. It's so hard to resist the temptation of having that physical closeness with the person you shared a life and children with. My advice? Wait two weeks before you even think about doing it. Take some time to think...journal, etc. Examine if this is really what you want and need.

From your posts, you strike me as a very decent, honest, caring person. You deserve to have someone who will truly care about. Think about it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 09-24-2005 - 5:46pm

My thanks to everyone! I really needed a shoulder. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming. I know I deserve better, but I am having trouble getting over the loss of him. I hope someday to find prince charming and live out the fairy tale. That's always been part of my problem. I know it can happen though. I have seen it. I realize no relationship is perfect. I want someone to support me through the good and the bad, not blame me. Someone who is willing to listen to my opinion and take it into consideration. I deserve not to be told that I am fat and ugly, a poor wife, a poor mother, or worthless with him. I don't know how to go on, but I will figure it out. Hugs, Brenda

PS I just read through my post. I must be an idiot. Why would I want someone who treats me like that back? I need a brain transplant. LOL




Edited 9/24/2005 5:48 pm ET ET by mebrenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 10:05am
Be kind to yourself. You are NOT an idiot. You're just going through one of the most difficult times you'll ever face in your life. Give yourself permission to be "crazy" and emotional sometimes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 1:51pm

What you're feeling is totally normal, sweetie. You're not an idiot. It may be true that most of us here don't want our exes back, but that doesn't mean we all just instantly felt that way. Now, my ex is one of the most unappealing men on earth to me. But when we first split up I thought I wanted him back, continued to sleep with him, and tried to hang on to the fantasy that we could be happy together. Even when I came to the realization that he was abusive and our marriage could never work, I still had a few moments after the odd good conversation where I thought "he's not so bad, how did we end up like this?" Then I made myself think of how he treated me and the worst moments with him. I realized it wasn't 'him' that I longed for - I missed being part of a couple, and was having trouble adjusting to being single. Generally an ex is an ex for a reason, and it just takes some time to get closure on the past and start appreciating the present and planning a new future. Give it some time, and these twinges you feel for your ex will diminish.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 1:57pm
Sang, How long was it before you weren't having trouble adjusting to being single? I was just curious. I haven't been "single" since I was 14 years old. Do you or anyone have any suggestions as to how to make this transition easier?
Well I have to go back to work. Thanks for the support. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 2:31pm
Single's definitely a big adjustment when you've never done it before - I hadn't been single since I was 16, so I know where you're coming from. It was probably at least a year before I'd say I was anywhere close to adjusted. In that first year I had to experience so many firsts on my own - the first un-anniversary, going to a wedding alone, christmas alone, New Year's Eve, Valentine's, etc., and I experienced doubts, twinges of longing for my ex, etc. I probably made most of my progress in the 2nd six months of that year as the shock started to wear off and I started to appreciate the things I could have in my life now that I hadn't had in so long during my relationship with my ex. I could wear what I wanted, go where I wanted, spend an hour wandering in the grocery store, wear my pjs all day on a Sunday and watch movies, have a platonic conversation with a male friend without being judged or having my ex get angry with me. I could cook what I wanted to eat, decorate with the colours I like, etc. Once I'd made it through that first year, things really improved for me and I was able to start thinking about *my* future. I'm so glad I didn't meet anyone and have a rebound relationship in that time. I was feeling unattractive and rejected, and I don't think my standards at that time would have been what they are now. Now, I know myself, and I'm happy in my life.
I'd like to find someone to share my life, but only if he is someone who adds to my life, not someone who brings me down emotionally.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 8:29pm
I hope you find him too. Take care. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 10:27pm
I think you GOT that brain transplant! You see now that you will be ok!

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