It's my fault...but I don't feel guilty

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
It's my fault...but I don't feel guilty
21
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 11:01am

Hi all,

I could not find a similiar post so I thought I would start one. I don't know what I am expecting from everyone...probably what I am getting here at home. People disgusted with me, in disagreement with my choices...even though I have come to terms with my feelings and my actions (as bad as they are).

I am 32 years old and going on my 2nd divorce. My first ended in my late twenty's (high school sweetheart = marriage = stupid idea). Before my 1st divorce was final I met husband #2 who seems like he was heaven sent since he was kind, nice, worked, had a good family etc. Needless to say, I never dated anyone else but him and we married 18 months later. So basically in the past 12 years of my life I have dated and been intimate with only 2 people.

As bad it sounds I do not love husband #2 anymore. I know what the feeling was and I know it is not there anymore. I don't think he did anything wrong...he really has not changed but I have come to love him like a friend/roomate.

Over the past year I have struggled with my lack of feeling becasue he is so "perfect". EVERYONE loves this man. There really is not anything to dislike...but I can not help my feeling in my heart.

I asked for a divorce 2 weeks ago...I knoew it was time becasue on vacation I met someone and cheated. I thought that I may have ended up feeling bad or guilty about the affair but I did not and I don't. I only feel bad that I have ruined my husband's life. I told him the truth and (after slapping me across the face...which is out of character for him). Will not accept my feelings or decisions. He wants to work on the marriage. I don't. I reealize that I am acting childish (as I have been told) but the freedom and independence feels good. For the first time I will be alone and responsible for myself. I think I need that right now.

I realize that my problem (I think) is not the divorce part) but rather what I keep getting married. At least I recognize that now (yes...I am starting therapy for what I think is a dependency issue).

I know I deserve any bad karma, or things that come my way. I just am curious if anyone has experience anything even remotely close to this?

Thanks for reading.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 11:10am

First off, hugs.


You will not be chastized for your choices on this board. We are here to support ANY and ALL divorce situations, regardless of the details.


I guess my first question is, are you HAPPY with you? If you aren't happy with yourself, you cannot be happy with anyone else thus creating heartache and "opportunity" in your marriage.


I know you feel your marriage is the problem and maybe your husband won't forgive you for the A, but you have to try. Work on YOU. Take care of YOU. Something is going on with you that would make you throw away what appears to be perfect.


You said you are in therapy, how is it working for you? Not having remorse for what happened is a big flag that something is wrong. It may not be your marriage.


Hugs to you and good luck... we are here if you need us :)


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 11:23am
Hey there. It makes me feel bad to hear that you don't seem to have much support at home and think that everyone here will judge you harshly. Yes, I think you've made some mistakes and bad choices, but I think it's good that you're going to go to therapy to help sort things out. It's hard when other people are judging you and disagreeing with your choices, but only you can know what you need in life to be happy. Have you considered whether you were ever really 'in love' with husband #2, or whether he was a rebound from your first marriage, and that is why you're finding your feelings are no longer there?
-sang
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 11:24am

Thanks for your message. My therapy is starting today so we will see what happens. I guess I do not feel remorse because I am happy when I am alone...or just casually seeing someone. I feel incredibly guilty about what this is doing to my family, husband and friends. They remind me everyday that I am screwing up everyone's lives.

I agree with you full-heartedly that I need to know who I am. I want to travel, read, learn...experience life as I never had the chance to. I started a journal and am learning a little about myself each day. Hopefully, I'll learn something valuable one day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 11:30am
Yes I have considered that...but I feel guilty thinking that. This were so blissful for a good year...then things became "same-old-same-old". It shoulds terrible but I do get bored easily. I guess I need to learn why. One blessing is that we have no children. Thank God!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 12:15pm
Maybe you can explore that in your therapy. If you were in love and things just stagnated, there might be enough left under the surface to salvage. If it was a rebound, then it may have to be a life lesson.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 7:52pm

"I know what the feeling was and I know it is not there anymore. I don't think he did anything wrong...he really has not changed but I have come to love him like a friend"

I think it is not uncommon for people to spend their lives chasing that feeling of attraction and exhiliration we get when we meet someone very attractive or first fall in love. Do a web search on Limerance, see if it enlightens you any.

It is very, very sad that all the people in your life will have to shift and adjust now because you have not transitioned with your husband from the early-attraction into a true, mature, abiding love of choice, one that can last a lifetime. It is something well worth the effort, though I don't know if you will ever discover that. Good luck in counseling, and remember that if your first try is not a good fit or doesn't challenge you in good ways, you can try with another counselor. Do you have difficulty with empathy? I just wonder because I know how your husband and your family are hurting right now. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 8:45am
Hi, eliacruz. First off, you didn't mention if you have any children. That would be a big deciding factor, for we need to take responsibility for lives other than our own.
If you do not have any kids, then I applaud, yes I say applaud you for being true to yourself. Not that I'm condoning cheating in any way, (you might want to get help for that) but the fact that you recognize when something is over and take actions to end it is a GOOD thing. Too many people stay in bad relationships because of 1)financial reasons 2) they got used to it 3) a myriad of other reasons. You are doing right by announcing that you are no longer in love with this person. He deserves better, and so do you.
Again, if you have children, then the right thing to do would have been to end the relationship before cheating. Same goes if you don't have children, but it involves more when you do. So, I would want to check out the cheating issue and look for deeper reasons. But you would be living a lie by staying in a marriage that did not suit you. Stop torturing yourself. No one can tell you what you feel in your heart. He may be the best man in the world, but he is not the right one for you. As long as you handle things in a responsible fashion from here on end, know that ending something that wasn't working was the right way to go. If you have children, you will need to talk to them gently, and leave out any details that they do not need to know. It would be wise to contact a counselour. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:02am

Thank you so much for those words. BTW - I do not have any children just a dog and 2 cats. I am seeing a therapist (started yesterday). She mentioned something about a rebellion stage. I'll figure that out soon. Last night I kind of went through abotu 10 different decisions in my head in 1 hour. 1) I'll move out 2) I'll file for divorce tomorrow 3) Maybe I'll stay becasue it is not fair for him 4) Maybe I do love him and love is just not what I thought it was 5) I can't stay...there is no way I can allow myself to be with a man I cheated on 6) UGH!

MY family hates me and my husband has yet to tell ANYONE! He says that he wants me to live at the house and not file for divorce until he sees someone. Maybe I am being rash but I can not stand doing this to him anymore. He is a mess. Plus, I still e-mail my "friend" I met while traveling...and I want to go back to see him in a few weeks. How messed up is that? I guess he is 'safe' for me. He lives in Mexico and is 8 years my junior and is simple and uncomplicated. I have no one to treat me decently right now (not that I deserve it) and he listens. He evened mentioned that we would not have sex...just talk.

I am a Jerry Springer show waiting to happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:42am
It sounds like you're still somewhat confused and not 100% certain about what you want. Although what you're going through is hard on your husband (and you too, I'm sure), don't make a hasty decision because you think it would be easier on anyone. Many people experience trials in their marriage like you're having now, and some do find a way to work through it and make their marriage stronger. You need to sort out your feelings and figure out why you're feeling the way you do now - because you're in a rut but you do still have deeper feelings for your husband or because you are no longer in love with him and there's nothing left to save. Whether your husband is willing to wait for you to sort things out is up to him, but even if he's not you need to figure out what's going on with you so you can prevent the same thing from happening in another relationship in your future.
About your friend - I think you should cut off contact with him for now. I know it feels good to have someone to talk to, but it's just complicating your life right now and you've got enough on your plate as it is. You need to deal with your marriage and what went wrong. This guy is just a way of avoiding your problems, and no matter how hard you try to run from your problems they will catch up to you eventually anyway.
-sang
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 10:10am

Since you are saying you like your affair on another board, perhaps you should divorce now, and give your H a chance to find someone who is faithful and loves him. The one saving grace is there are no kids involved.

I think its a great idea that you have come to the realization that you shouldn't be married.

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