It's my fault...but I don't feel guilty

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
It's my fault...but I don't feel guilty
21
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 11:01am

Hi all,

I could not find a similiar post so I thought I would start one. I don't know what I am expecting from everyone...probably what I am getting here at home. People disgusted with me, in disagreement with my choices...even though I have come to terms with my feelings and my actions (as bad as they are).

I am 32 years old and going on my 2nd divorce. My first ended in my late twenty's (high school sweetheart = marriage = stupid idea). Before my 1st divorce was final I met husband #2 who seems like he was heaven sent since he was kind, nice, worked, had a good family etc. Needless to say, I never dated anyone else but him and we married 18 months later. So basically in the past 12 years of my life I have dated and been intimate with only 2 people.

As bad it sounds I do not love husband #2 anymore. I know what the feeling was and I know it is not there anymore. I don't think he did anything wrong...he really has not changed but I have come to love him like a friend/roomate.

Over the past year I have struggled with my lack of feeling becasue he is so "perfect". EVERYONE loves this man. There really is not anything to dislike...but I can not help my feeling in my heart.

I asked for a divorce 2 weeks ago...I knoew it was time becasue on vacation I met someone and cheated. I thought that I may have ended up feeling bad or guilty about the affair but I did not and I don't. I only feel bad that I have ruined my husband's life. I told him the truth and (after slapping me across the face...which is out of character for him). Will not accept my feelings or decisions. He wants to work on the marriage. I don't. I reealize that I am acting childish (as I have been told) but the freedom and independence feels good. For the first time I will be alone and responsible for myself. I think I need that right now.

I realize that my problem (I think) is not the divorce part) but rather what I keep getting married. At least I recognize that now (yes...I am starting therapy for what I think is a dependency issue).

I know I deserve any bad karma, or things that come my way. I just am curious if anyone has experience anything even remotely close to this?

Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 10:32am
I agree. I am tons of issues and my husband need not suffer any more becasue of my distorded confusion. Thanks for your honestly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 11:04am

Hi again,


I've been reading the posts on this subject and thinking I may want to add another point.


Sometimes, not just in your situation but others as well, we choose to be the way we are. There comes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 2:13pm
Everyone,
Thank you for your honesty with your responses. I have been thinking and I feel (as least right now) that I should get an apartment in the area. That way I can still work from my home office (at our house) and take care of the dog and cats. My H disagrees and wants me to stay but it does not feel right. I can not even look at him and we don;t even talk anymore. Plus I think it would help me sort things out on my own without other distractions.
Thoughts?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 2:20pm

I think that is a great idea.... some time for you!


It will be hard, no doubt, but you can do this. Take some time.... assure him it isn't over and YOU need to worry about YOU right now.


Take care.... Hugs!


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 3:51pm
In all good conscience, I disagree. Why should her H be deceived for one minute more? If she wants to move out - tell the H why.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 4:04pm

Hmmmm, not sure where you see that we said not to tell him.


I believe she has already told him of the affair, but it seems to me she is unsure she wants to end her marriage and is concentrating more on freedom. Maybe once she gets that freedom she will see that it was not "so bad" having a husband seeing it worthy of working out... sometimes time is all we need.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:19pm
You are right - looking back she did tell her H - all I can say is I wish her good luck in whatever she does.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:32pm

your right! Good luck to her :)


PS, I know this is a sore subject for all of us... but remember, support!


Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:44pm
You are not a Jerry Springer show waiting to happen. You are not satisfied with your life. Something that was supposed to happen at one time in your life maybe did not, and now you are searching for it. It is ok to want romance your life.
Be careful with this man in Mexico. Make sure that what looks simple and uncomplicated is not too simple and uncomplicated where you are going to want to flee that as well. Take it slowly. No, if you seriously don't want to stay in a marriage with this man, don't. Your heart never lies. It is one thing if the romance has died but you have good companionship with him, but when you FEEL that it is just not right, then it is not right.
Take some time off, let your heart wander a bit, if you feel like engaging in a romantic relationship with this man in Mexico (as long as you are already out of this one) then do it. I assume you know enough about the culture as to determine if this guy is a good guy. But for now, be on your own (even if you engage in the relationship with the man in Mexico, you are not bound to him) and let your heart fly free.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 10:16pm

How do you feel about your counselor now that you have met with her? I wonder about her saying it may have been a rebellious thing. I believe a good counselor would wait a few sessions to know the situation and you better, and carefully lead you to realize why you did it vs. throwing a statement like that in the first session.

I have been there. I made a mess of my life and cause unnecessary pain and destruction by having an affair. I know now the reason I did it, I felt that divorce was not an option (I didn't even spend time considering it) but I also knew I could not live the way I was any longer. I had a ton of things going on in my life, stress at work, an unsupportive, video-game addicted husband who refused my constant pleading for intimacy and was hurting the family financially, I was facing diagnosis of a chronic illness, fast approaching the age my father was when his life ended and pretty much feeling stuck, helpless and like my life as I knew it was over. Although I didn't know it at the time, the affair was my way out. I had fantasized for years that my ex-h would cheat on me and I'd catch him, and then I'd be justified in leaving. I learned the hard way that I didn't need justification, and life for everyone (him, my family and least of all me) would have been a lot easier if I had not cheated.

The only answer for me was divorce. I went to counseling because I had never been in an emotionally healthy relationship (one that was built on love and caring) and I wanted to find out how to do that, and I also needed to know why I made the choices I did and that I will never do that again, even if I am put in a similar situation. I have taken a bad situation and made the best I could of it, and now just a few years later my life is just the way I want it and I am happy. I believe my ex is happier too.

From all that I read, it sounds like your affair was a symptom of a bad marriage, and you know you have to live with the hurt and pain you have caused everyone in your life. In my case, my marriage would have ended regardless, it just took that huge mistake to wake me up. If you are unsure and confused, then keep seeing the counselor and doing what you feel is best. You will figure it out in time.

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