It's my fault...but I don't feel guilty

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
It's my fault...but I don't feel guilty
21
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 11:01am

Hi all,

I could not find a similiar post so I thought I would start one. I don't know what I am expecting from everyone...probably what I am getting here at home. People disgusted with me, in disagreement with my choices...even though I have come to terms with my feelings and my actions (as bad as they are).

I am 32 years old and going on my 2nd divorce. My first ended in my late twenty's (high school sweetheart = marriage = stupid idea). Before my 1st divorce was final I met husband #2 who seems like he was heaven sent since he was kind, nice, worked, had a good family etc. Needless to say, I never dated anyone else but him and we married 18 months later. So basically in the past 12 years of my life I have dated and been intimate with only 2 people.

As bad it sounds I do not love husband #2 anymore. I know what the feeling was and I know it is not there anymore. I don't think he did anything wrong...he really has not changed but I have come to love him like a friend/roomate.

Over the past year I have struggled with my lack of feeling becasue he is so "perfect". EVERYONE loves this man. There really is not anything to dislike...but I can not help my feeling in my heart.

I asked for a divorce 2 weeks ago...I knoew it was time becasue on vacation I met someone and cheated. I thought that I may have ended up feeling bad or guilty about the affair but I did not and I don't. I only feel bad that I have ruined my husband's life. I told him the truth and (after slapping me across the face...which is out of character for him). Will not accept my feelings or decisions. He wants to work on the marriage. I don't. I reealize that I am acting childish (as I have been told) but the freedom and independence feels good. For the first time I will be alone and responsible for myself. I think I need that right now.

I realize that my problem (I think) is not the divorce part) but rather what I keep getting married. At least I recognize that now (yes...I am starting therapy for what I think is a dependency issue).

I know I deserve any bad karma, or things that come my way. I just am curious if anyone has experience anything even remotely close to this?

Thanks for reading.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 9:54am
To all that have provided advice and comforting support,
Today will probably be a good day. My H and I talked for hours last night and I think he is fially starting to understand that this divorce is nothing that he can fix...although he wants me to tell him how he can change to make it work. I told him that it is not about him...or really anyone else...it is about me and my need (long over-due) to get to know myself and realize that I can take care of myself without a man in my life. I told him that it is not fair that I stay with him out of "guilt" and he deserves better. Although I can not put my life on hold right now (I am going back to Mexico at month's end) I will try to support him hoever I can. Oddly enought his main concerns are money, jobs and what others will think (which is why he has yet to tell anyone what is going on). It was the first time in a wekk that we sat down and talked (no yelling) and no slapping. My family is a different story. My mother says I deserve to be hit and my H should have done it sooner...nice huh? My sister says I should have founds a rich man from America instead on having a connection with a "person" from a 3rd world country. However, those are issues I need to deal with seperately...with my therapist...which is good (so far). My H finally went to see his and I hope this will help him through. He still says that he thought we were better than everyone else (which is why he has no friends to lean on here) and his closest friend declared his likeness for me the other day when John mentioned that things were not going well. Nice guy huh? Like I need that baggage right now. Anyway...tomorrow will probabably bring a different story but it feels good to write it here. It is amazing how you find out who your friends are during a journey like this. My best friend won't take my calls...and one's that I have not talked to in a while have stepped up and are willing to listen. Life's lesson maybe?

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