It's Over, So Why Am I Crying????

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
It's Over, So Why Am I Crying????
12
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 11:24am

Hi, All.

Well, Yesterday was the case managers conference. We were supposed to go in to sign the final settlement, which was pretty simple since we had already divided all the assets and liabilities without fighting at all (basically, I took what I wanted, he said ok). But, the 1st big surprise of the day was the case manager having us sign waivers so we didn't have to appear before the judge or wait the extra three months. We then waited for 15 minutes while the judge signed the papers. So that's it. I'm divorced. I wasn't prepared for that yesterday at all - I expected it to be final sometime in November or December. Exactly 20 months to the day after I was married, I'm divorced.

After leaving court, I drove to college to get a textbook for class next week. What I didn't know was that ex was also driving to the same college to meet someone in the same parking lot. He then proceeded to take this ***** and kiss her, then give me (and my mother) the finger. The kind of kiss that makes you want to vomit. And this girl was totally a skank (sorry if that's considered a swear word on here). I mean, missing two front teeth, stringy hair, huge boobs falling out of a spagetti strap tank top, the whole 9 yards of no class at all. Of course, he didn't even bother to dress up for court - he had jeans with a hole in the butt, a totally stretched out tshirt that was mine in high school, and sneakers that were falling apart. He couldn't even bother to shave. (For those of you who are wondering, I was in office clothing.)

I know some of you are going to say that he deserves her, and that I should just move on, that if he's acting like that already I should just look at how much higher my road is in life. I have learned from my mistakes, and I will NEVER settle again. NEVER. But my biggest problem right now is that I feel he had absolutely no respect for me, not even enough to let the ink dry on the final decree before showing me a PDA with another girl. I was up half the night crying. Not just for the fact that I'm the first daughter in the family to get divorced, but for the fact that I feel totally disrespected. I know that I probably shouldn't have expected that much from him, but last week, he told me we were still friends and that he still cared about me. What a sack of lies.

How should I be feeling? And how do I boost my self esteem since I can't rely on the fact that he has any respect for me. How do I move on, without digging myself a depression rut and getting stuck in there, just as I'm starting a really hard college semester? Oh, to make it worse, we go to the same college of 1500 students. And his new girlfriend goes there too.

Another question, I need some suggestions on how to deal with my father. Basically, he wants me to be jumping for joy that I'm no longer attached to the "fleabag tomcat" as he calls him. However, I'd prefer to wallow in my self-pity, eat brownies and ice cream, and just take a few days to get over this. Any ideas on what to tell him to get him to understand how I feel?

Thanks for any advice. Till someone can answer me, I'll be infront of the TV with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and watching It Could Happen To You.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 12:30pm

hi there.

here is what i can suggest:

I give you a gift of 48 hours. during this time, you are allowed to wallow in self pity, watch all the tear jerker movies you want, eat tons of B&J ice cream (i recommend the one with the little crunchy fish....), chips, donuts, whatever you need. I also allow you to screen your calls and not answer calls from your father or anyone else who might be pulling you down and making you feel worse.

but -

after 48 hours, you reach down , deep down inside, and you find the guts and courage that i know are lurking there, and you pull yourself up by the boot strings, and you get up and out. you start your new life. you do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel good.

you ask <<>> well, i'll let you in on a secret --- you don't get your self esteem from your husband, in fact, you don't get your self esteem from anyone else - you get it from YOU. you find what makes YOU tick, and you learn how to pay compliments to yourself. its not easy ----but boy oh boy is it rewarding. when i compliment myself on a job well done (whatever the "job" is ---- losing a pound, working out, cleaning up my desk at work) it makes me feel soooo much better.

don't worry now about the rest of your life. take it one day at a time, one step at a time.

and don't forget - we are all here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 1:34pm

pinkmtngirl...

Pianoguy isn't going to take your Father's side. Nor does PG subscribe to the theory that you should "wallow in your self pity!"

All divorcees are entitled to a 'period of mourning over a failed marriage'...but this DOESN'T LAST INDEFINITELY! Eventually...a divorced person has to relinquish the past and look out for #1...which is him (or her)self!

There's no way to avoid contact with an EX in a college environment. But you don't have to 'acknowledge your EX or his presence!' You're attending college for the purpose of getting an education and advancing yourself in some way?

What your EX does and with whom is immaterial...BECAUSE THE 2 OF YOU ARE HISTORY!

The 'recovery process' varies with every one of us. But doing anything self-destructive (like eating pints of B&J ice cream in front of the TV) only reinforces the fact that the EX has gotten more out of the divorce than you have!

So WHY give HIM that satisfaction??? Move forward and don't abuse yourself!

Hugs!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 2:16pm

Pianoguy,

Thanks for ruining my day. What you said was just hurtful and destructive. I came onto this board to try and get some help, to try to understand my feelings and move on. What you have told me just now has made me feel as if I cannot do anything right. What I needed to hear was some sympathy, and some advice. I did not need to hear that what my ex did right after the divorce was over (literally, it was ONE HOUR AFTER THE DIVORCE WAS FINAL!!!!!) was none of my business. When he PDA'd that girl in front of me, it was just to show me that he thought he was better than me. You have absolutely no clue what compassion is, nor do you have any business trying to comfort women who have just been divorced. And by the way, eating B&J and watching TV is not self destructive behavior, it's comfort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 2:20pm

sk1960,

Thanks for the gift. It's the best I've gotten in weeks.

Yes, I know that I don't get self esteem from my exhusband, but now that i'm out of a relationship and starting a new college, it's hard to start building that self esteem from scratch again. Yeah, I've got a great job, and my GPA for this summer is a 4.0, which gave me an overall gpa of 3.667 (I am really psyched over that), but trying to rebuild my life, especially my social life, is going to be really hard, especially considering that I have no friends at my new college yet. That is a tough spot to be in.

Again, thanks for the gift. The cookie dough tasted really good, and the donuts are going down just fine. LOL....

pinkmtngirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 5:15pm

pinkmtngirl...

PG is sorry he "ruined your day?"

Many of my ivillage friends (who have read my responses in the past) prefer AN HONEST MALE OPINION (good or bad) instead of one which is filled with lots of sympathy?

I NEVER said that you can't do anything right. That's a misinterpretation on your part.

!

But whether you care to agree or disagree with my thoughts (or even read them) is up to you? Unless the ivillage rules have completely changed, I always thought an individual could express his (or her) HONEST opinion about a subject that's brought up on the boards?

Karen...has this policy changed?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 5:46pm

Oh, PG.... you know that sometimes when people aren't familiar with your straightforward ways they misinterpret how you meant what you said.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 5:59pm

Hey... even when we know something's coming.... when an unexpected thing happens, it can send our emotions on an unexpected dive.


Let yourself feel it... then pick yourself up and KNOW that you are going to be a better person in a better place in life without him.... and every time that you see him and/or his skank, it will be validation to you that YOU are in a much better place in life without him.


Maybe you're the first daughter to divorce.... but you're SMART for getting out of something that wasn't working.... and, if it's any consolation, my dad has never been an emotional person, and he can't understand why anyone sees anything any differently than "black and white".


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 6:26pm

And PG says: "HI" back to Karen!

Most ivillagers who are familiar with the thousands of posts I've written already know that my "direct response approach" comes from decades of talking TO LISTENERS on the radio....as well as selling (lord knows) everything from apples to zebras!

Having been a creative director (a fancy word for copywriter) and a radio production director, I can certainly relate to the "movie announcer guy" commercial you referenced? .

While we're on the subject of spokespeople...if you know of AN advertiser or two 'down in your neck of the woods' who could use a good spokesperson (on or off-camera)...I'M AVAILABLE! The past 3 months have been MUCH TOO QUIET for me!

Hugs back at ya from Pianoguy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 6:35pm

Ya know... it could be GEICO... I was just tuned into the movie announcer voice guy.


I'm not too much in the advertising loop around here, but I'll definitely keep my ears open.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 7:04pm

Karen...

Since PG is "kinda sorta connected" to some of the holiday music you referenced...his only comment is:

In the event you need "an early dose or two" during August, September, October or early November---feel free to reference the CD whenever the mood hits you. I promise I won't tell your neighbors where it's coming from and who is playing "the 88-keys!"

Pianoguy....who learned earlier this week that "NEW ENGLANDERS" consume MORE ICE CREAM than any other section of the USA! . I'll bet "the ice cream percentages' are also listed on the internet...just in case an ivillager who is reading this wants to do a 'search?'

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