Hi there....sorry to hear about what you're going through. I wish I had some "pearls of wisdom" for you. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I am currently going through something like this also. In my case, it was a mutual decision to divorce, after almost 10 years. We've both tried to make it work, but we are both so unhappy! We too are living together and shareing a life because of financial reasons. We are like roomates who share everything, except intimacy. It's been like this for a few months now. It's harder on me, I think, but I'm slowly getting used to and looking forward to starting over. Hopefully, by early next year I will be on my way to starting my new life close to my family.
My family, friends, and my faith in the Lord are what have helped me get through the heartache. I still get upset about it, and scared about the future. But I just have to trust that everything will turn out for the best.
If I could, I would choose not to live together before divorcing.
I just wanted to reach out to you as im going through something VERY similar. My dh of five years did the same thing; he came home one day and said it was over. I had NO clue it was coming. he didnt want counseling or anything at all...
I have to say that my situation is a little different. My husband and I have been married almost 22yrs and have two wonderful children, 21 and 13. To understand my situation would take to long to put on paper, but the jissed of it is my husband believes he no longer has to answer to me or anyone else for that matter. He has a history of infidelity. This has caused a HUGH rift in our relationship. At the beginning of this year he became friends with a couple which I had a bad feeling about. The wife of his friend and myself just did not click and I really felt uncomfortable when around the three of them. I saw behaviors that I had seen in the past with my husband and felt as though something was going on between him and his friends wife. He assured me nothing was going on. Well as the months rolled on our relationship got worse and worse. I had taken myself out of the situation of him and his friends because to be around them mad me angry. He continued his friendship with them, until the husband accused him of messing with his wife. Now my husband is still friends with the wife. They are going through divorce and she talks to my husband quit often. He says I did not give her a fair shot. She is a great woman and she did nothing to hurt me, I should be ashamed of my behavior. All I had to say to that was, I am very familiar with your personality changes when you are having an affair please don't take me for a fool.
I want to weigh in from the opposite side and I am preparing myself for the stoning.
I am the one who told my H I want a divorce after 9 years. I told him I want to stay friends, and I checked out emotionally and sexually a long time ago (all for very good reasons). But the truth is I am not in love with him and never will be again.
My opinion is that your H wants out of the marriage but doesn't want to give up the security, safety and comfort of staying in the house, and keeping you as his friend. I know and understand how he feels, but it is not fair to you. He wants his cake and he wants to eat it too, without considering what this is doing to you. I think it is pretty selfish and yes, while he has been honest and said that the marriage won't work, he needs to follow that through with action and move out and let you start to deal with the loss. You can't do that while he is still there.
Presumably he knows how you feel, so he should know that by staying, he is not giving you a chance to start to deal with this. You won't start to deal with the loss until he is gone. I understand that you may want him to stay in the house. For companionship, for security, for the hope that he will change his mind. There are so many reasons. But you have to start to put yourself first and you have to recognize that by staying, he is prolonging your pain.
I have considered all the options regarding how to help my H get through this (I posted here last night) and what seems to be the kindest thing is sometimes the least kind. Once the decision is made to divorce, the quicker and cleaner the break, the sooner the recovery. It is far easier on him to stay, but he should recognize that is harder on you. He made the decision to divorce, he needs to face the consequences now, and not when its convenient for him. Divorce is never easy, never cheap, and never convenient. But it is always painful. Don't take on more pain than you need to.
Just wanted to respond to your post, because it's close to my situation. I've been M 21 years and am the one that asked for the D. He told me I could leave the house since I wanted to end the M. Well, we have two kids 14 & 15 to which he does none of the parenting. He said I could stop by in the mornings after he left and get the kids off to school...I feel for you and understand the stress of staying in the same house, sleeping in the same bed and not even touching by accident...I don't know how long we can go on like this, the limbo feeling is worse than the closure of ending the M.
My wife of 10+ years told me Sunday she's having an 'affair' with a man who lives 1500 miles away, and since she's so compatible with him she's decided we're no longer compatible and she wants a quicky divorce so she can move in with him. She doesn't want to waste time in counseling, but she's willing to help me get through some of the emotional hard times.
Her son from her first marriage moved out suddenly in October and dropped out of high school. Until that point we seemed really solid, but after that we both kind of fell apart emotionally and I thought I should give her space, big mistake. She used that time to move on emotionally and find a new, more exciting boyfriend. I also found it interesting that initially she was open to reconciling but the instant her paramour told his wife he was leaving her, my wife was in lock step with his plan. I feel we have a fixable marriage; we both have legitimate 'differences' that are not unreconcilable. The boyfriend and her are having what i'd call an 'emotional' affair, nothing physical has happened since he's so far away. Obviously, her next step is go get over to NY.
I don't really know what to do now - I'm still in love with her and I love her. She told me she's no longer in love with me, but she does love me. She feels like I'm just her roomate, ugh. We've talked and cried together and hugged every night since then.
The one thing that has irked me since then is I've raised her son as my own, no help from his biological father, and its like she just used me because the instant that anchor was gone for her, she abandoned him and moved on. And her new relationship would come with a 4 year old step-daughter, the guy travels frequently on business and lives out in the middle of nowhere so once he's comfortable with her she'll get emotionally abandoned again because she won't have any friends or family outside of her relationship.
I don't know what I should do, other than trying to stand up and figure out what the hell happened and what to do next. I appreciate your help!
i know exactly how yor are feeling. my husband did the same exact thing except we have 5 children. i don;t know what to tell them. when he comes around deep down i want to throw myself at him because i know i'm still in love with him but i just play like i don't care what he does or who he does it with instead. this has been going on for about a couple of months and i really don't know how to handle it. i want to move on and show him i really don't care but deep down i really want him to come home and make it work.
Hi there....sorry to hear about what you're going through. I wish I had some "pearls of wisdom" for you. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I am currently going through something like this also. In my case, it was a mutual decision to divorce, after almost 10 years. We've both tried to make it work, but we are both so unhappy! We too are living together and shareing a life because of financial reasons. We are like roomates who share everything, except intimacy. It's been like this for a few months now. It's harder on me, I think, but I'm slowly getting used to and looking forward to starting over. Hopefully, by early next year I will be on my way to starting my new life close to my family.
My family, friends, and my faith in the Lord are what have helped me get through the heartache. I still get upset about it, and scared about the future. But I just have to trust that everything will turn out for the best.
If I could, I would choose not to live together before divorcing.
Hi,
I just wanted to reach out to you as im going through something VERY similar. My dh of five years did the same thing; he came home one day and said it was over. I had NO clue it was coming. he didnt want counseling or anything at all...
"I've learned
that it is the weak who are cruel,
and that gentleness is to be expected
only from the strong."
I have to say that my situation is a little different. My husband and I have been married almost 22yrs and have two wonderful children, 21 and 13. To understand my situation would take to long to put on paper, but the jissed of it is my husband believes he no longer has to answer to me or anyone else for that matter. He has a history of infidelity. This has caused a HUGH rift in our relationship. At the beginning of this year he became friends with a couple which I had a bad feeling about. The wife of his friend and myself just did not click and I really felt uncomfortable when around the three of them. I saw behaviors that I had seen in the past with my husband and felt as though something was going on between him and his friends wife. He assured me nothing was going on. Well as the months rolled on our relationship got worse and worse. I had taken myself out of the situation of him and his friends because to be around them mad me angry. He continued his friendship with them, until the husband accused him of messing with his wife. Now my husband is still friends with the wife. They are going through divorce and she talks to my husband quit often. He says I did not give her a fair shot. She is a great woman and she did nothing to hurt me, I should be ashamed of my behavior. All I had to say to that was, I am very familiar with your personality changes when you are having an affair please don't take me for a fool.
I want to weigh in from the opposite side and I am preparing myself for the stoning.
I am the one who told my H I want a divorce after 9 years. I told him I want to stay friends, and I checked out emotionally and sexually a long time ago (all for very good reasons). But the truth is I am not in love with him and never will be again.
My opinion is that your H wants out of the marriage but doesn't want to give up the security, safety and comfort of staying in the house, and keeping you as his friend. I know and understand how he feels, but it is not fair to you. He wants his cake and he wants to eat it too, without considering what this is doing to you. I think it is pretty selfish and yes, while he has been honest and said that the marriage won't work, he needs to follow that through with action and move out and let you start to deal with the loss. You can't do that while he is still there.
Presumably he knows how you feel, so he should know that by staying, he is not giving you a chance to start to deal with this. You won't start to deal with the loss until he is gone. I understand that you may want him to stay in the house. For companionship, for security, for the hope that he will change his mind. There are so many reasons. But you have to start to put yourself first and you have to recognize that by staying, he is prolonging your pain.
I have considered all the options regarding how to help my H get through this (I posted here last night) and what seems to be the kindest thing is sometimes the least kind. Once the decision is made to divorce, the quicker and cleaner the break, the sooner the recovery. It is far easier on him to stay, but he should recognize that is harder on you. He made the decision to divorce, he needs to face the consequences now, and not when its convenient for him. Divorce is never easy, never cheap, and never convenient. But it is always painful. Don't take on more pain than you need to.
Just MHO.
Hello,
I'm reading your messages and crying thinking of my own pain.
Pita,
Just wanted to respond to your post, because it's close to my situation. I've been M 21 years and am the one that asked for the D. He told me I could leave the house since I wanted to end the M. Well, we have two kids 14 & 15 to which he does none of the parenting. He said I could stop by in the mornings after he left and get the kids off to school...I feel for you and understand the stress of staying in the same house, sleeping in the same bed and not even touching by accident...I don't know how long we can go on like this, the limbo feeling is worse than the closure of ending the M.
Her son from her first marriage moved out suddenly in October and dropped out of high school. Until that point we seemed really solid, but after that we both kind of fell apart emotionally and I thought I should give her space, big mistake. She used that time to move on emotionally and find a new, more exciting boyfriend. I also found it interesting that initially she was open to reconciling but the instant her paramour told his wife he was leaving her, my wife was in lock step with his plan. I feel we have a fixable marriage; we both have legitimate 'differences' that are not unreconcilable. The boyfriend and her are having what i'd call an 'emotional' affair, nothing physical has happened since he's so far away. Obviously, her next step is go get over to NY.
I don't really know what to do now - I'm still in love with her and I love her. She told me she's no longer in love with me, but she does love me. She feels like I'm just her roomate, ugh. We've talked and cried together and hugged every night since then.
The one thing that has irked me since then is I've raised her son as my own, no help from his biological father, and its like she just used me because the instant that anchor was gone for her, she abandoned him and moved on. And her new relationship would come with a 4 year old step-daughter, the guy travels frequently on business and lives out in the middle of nowhere so once he's comfortable with her she'll get emotionally abandoned again because she won't have any friends or family outside of her relationship.
I don't know what I should do, other than trying to stand up and figure out what the hell happened and what to do next. I appreciate your help!
i know exactly how yor are feeling. my husband did the same exact thing except we have 5 children. i don;t know what to tell them. when he comes around deep down i want to throw myself at him because i know i'm still in love with him but i just play like i don't care what he does or who he does it with instead. this has been going on for about a couple of months and i really don't know how to handle it. i want to move on and show him i really don't care but deep down i really want him to come home and make it work.