I've got one for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
I've got one for you.
7
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 11:09am
The other day I ran into OW at work. She acted angry as heck at me. She was very cold and rude. I was trying to be professional. Why is she angry with me? She is the one who destroyed my life. I have chosen to forgive her and I am not angry. I hope part of her anger is out of guilt. My ex and OW are not together. OW went back to her husband. I respect and understand her decision. I am actually jealous of her. She has everything I ever wanted. She has her family intact. She has the love of the man I have been in love with for 20 years. Why would she choose to be angry with me, especially since I am not angry with her? We live in a very small town and we will be running into each other a lot. I do not want my children finding out about OW. If she constantly acts weird around me, they will sense it. I would like to tell her that I am not angry and have forgiven her. I would also like to tell her that I understand how hard it is for a person to forgive oneself. I am struggling with that myself. I am willing to accept my third of the blame for the affair. How do I get this woman to behave civilly so my children don't find out? Hugs, Brenda


Edited 10/15/2006 11:11 am ET by mebrenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 11:51am

Coming from a small town myself, I have to say that no matter what you do, I'm certain your kids will find out. You know how everyone knows eveyone's business in a small town!

That said, I think it's very admirable that you are taking the high road. It shows a lot of strong character. If you really feel like you want to speak with her, why not call or send a letter? It can't hurt to try, but in the end it will be her decision how she behaves.

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 10:48pm

Hey Brenda...

Ugh... what a sucky situation... first of all, kudos for you for taking the high road. Unfortunately, since you do live in a small town, it is quite likely that the children will find out in time... but when they do, they will admire you for taking the high road and attempting to get through everything in the manner that you have. Remember, you cannot control others actions, but you can control your reaction to their actions!

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 10:29am

Brenda - it's going to be tough in a small town to keep your children from finding out... but i agree with everyone else... kudos to you for taking the high road... i've often wondered how i would react to the OW if i ran into her (not likely since the XH moved to where she lives which is 4 hours away from me... thankfully!)

As for everyone knowing your business in a small town... that's true... but in my case... it took well over a year to confirm that my XH cheated on me... for some reason it was a well kept secret in my town of just over 3500 people...

Don't forget... karma has a way of working things out.. Brenda... on the outside maybe the OW does have what you want... but how do you truly know that? behind closed doors and in peoples heads they may not be as happy as they seem to be... maybe she treated you coldly because deep down she is feeling guilty... and maybe going back to her husband has made her unhappy... hard to say... but keep your chin up...

hugs
ali

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 2:28pm

I must say you have been very charitable which is very difficult in these circumstances. I too had problems with the other woman and still do 6 years later. I think in my siruation though, I am the threat, even though she has just married my ex and I have been married to someone else for 2 years.I have a son with my ex though and he has made it quite clear to her that he wants no more children even though she doesnt have any. Maybe she is jealous of me, who knows, who cares. Weird. I think as you say, this woman needs to forgive herself, who ended her and your exs relationship? seems like she is envious of your life. Might be why she had an affair with your hubby in the first place only to discover it wasnt as wonderful as she expected it to be. This could be the reason why she is really angry. what do you think?

Ruth

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 12:08am
I think you hit the nail on the head there. The OW in my case is still w/X and she is finding out life with him is no picnic, she's not special and immune to his abusive behavior. The woman in this case has been already married and divorced 3 times, all guys she married were in other relationships when she got invoved with them. It's like her ego needs so much reassurance that she can't feel good about herself unless she wins a guy away from someone else. She still acts like I'm the one in the wrong whenever I happen to be in the same place as she. I am happier now than I've ever been so I don't react to her behavior. Yes, always take the high road, it's the best revenge. LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 11:57pm
I don't know how old your kids are, but if you live in a small town they will find out sooner or later anyway. What makes you think that just because she went back to her husband that her life is as it should be? There's something about you that makes her jealous and angry. What is it? Could it be the fact that you seem happy? Hmmmm.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 9:20pm

Hi brenda
I was married for 18yrs to a man who had more OW than packed lunches. I was raised in a family where the man made decisions & basically ran & looked after the family. To my knowledge my father never had affairs & mum n dad have been married 50 something years!
I turned the other cheek hoping that he(x) would grow up, i protected my children who were young up until the final straw, they idolized there father as did i, & that was half the problem,,i myself was living a lie, & compromising my own values,,just so the kids & i didnt end up a statistic. In the end we grew apart & ended up hating each other. I asked him to leave, & because we live in a small country town he chose to move back to the city ( & sponge off his mother). When i hear "nasty" stuff around town about how i'm a bad person, watch her etc,(98% woman, 2% men who"s advances ive rejected)I ask the person straight there & then "why am i such a bad person,,usually it ends up that they knew my X" so i ask thenm "did they sleep with him too" this usually gets them moving in the opposite direction. I have paid so many bills left behind by my x,& its taken 5yrs for people too really see the "true" person i am. When i was married we lived 30kms out of town on a property, he worked in town (silly me) after the divorce i brought the kids & i a house in town,,,he brought a new car, new motorbike etc (boys toys).

My children are older now, 16, 14 & 11yrs (2yr old to my partner), they know who & what there father is. There father still comes for them every fortnight & we share school holidays,,,he is a man of ill deeds, reduced income as not to pay full child support, promises holidays to the kids that dont eventuate, smokes & drinks but cant afford kids shoes or haircuts when needed, dresses latest trends but cant help with school fees!
The kids will work it out for themselves in the end. Its important (for your relationship with your kids) that you dont bag him, or critisise him,,as for the OW just ignore them,,,the pain in your heart will fade after a time,,& you wont even see or acknowledge the fact that they even exist.
Hope this helps
Lynnette & her beautiful kids!

ps. After all the kids & i have experienced, people tell me that my kids are very well mannered & a credit to me. So throw yourself into wholly raising your kids & giving them your all,,,forget all the other garbage & stop blaming yourself,,smile at the OW they obviously did you a big favour (it mightnt look like that now,,,but it will in the future! GOOD LUCK).