I've just left...feeling so low
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 09-24-2006 - 1:14am |
Hi all,
I am new to this board. I've just erased a long post that I had written explaining the background that led to my recent separation. I found myself doing as I've always done...over-explaining, over-justifying. The reason I came here tonight is because I am just feeling so sad. I moved out of my house a month ago yesterday. It was my decision to leave. This separation, this ending, has been a long time coming.
My husband and I have only been married six years, but we've had something missing since day one. I was barely 21 when I married him and I had no idea the journey I was about to embark on in myself. As I began to discover myself, I realized he didn't see the woman I was becoming. Through a series of very painful events, including therapy that he never really worked at, we've decided to split. He still says he wants me back, but before I was even out of the house, he was on date.com looking around. He's had women at the house already...it makes me sick. This is not the man I married.
I'm writing tonight to see if anyone can relate to the absolute confusion of mixed emotions I feel. I feel freedom, finally. I feel as though I can breathe again, but really for the first time. This is the first time I've ever lived alone as an adult, taking care of myself, making decisons for myself and allowing my days to unfold as I wish. I feel like the world is at my doorstep and the exhilaration of that sensation is overwhelming! But then there are those moments when I'm struck by how alone I am. I am living in a town 3 hours from my friends and family, and that makes those moments really tough when I just want someone familiar around me.
I was at work tonight and all of a sudden I found myself heaving over my legs on the toilet in tears. I just kept thinking "I'm all alone in this." I have never known sadness before like I feel right now. I know in my deepest heart that my marriage is over. It's been over for a long time. I don't love my husband anymore. Not like a woman should love her husband. I care about him as a friend, but I'm not sure what to do with all of the guilt of leaving him, of watching his pain come out sideways sometimes.
I also have no idea how to begin the road to forgiveness of myself. I carry such grief and guilt for leaving this relationship. I often imagine going back because it's comfortable. But that's all it is. Two buddies living in the same house. I want to wake up in the morning and feel alive, even if it's pain that I feel, or loneliness. I tell myself daily that I have to have patience right now...that all is not availble to my eyes. I have to be willing to sit in this in order to grow and see the lessons that are waiting for me.
Ahhh...I'm rambling. I just feel so lost. For the first time in my life, I don't have a plan, I have no idea what to do with my emotions...does this sadness pass? Is the questioning and the guilt and regret normal? Is it odd that this feels like a death?
I'v fantasized of leaving for years. I'm finally out on my own and the fluctuation of emtions has gotten me completely undone. Can anyone please share their story, relate in some way? Does this confusion and sense of feeling lost fade?
Thank you...

Welcome Sid,
<>
There were many parts of your post I could have quoted and I and many others here could relate to WELL. I could have written similar posts and felt like I was just blabbering.
While my situation isn't identical to yours, it's similar in many ways...but what is most similar is the intense feeling of sadness, aloness, unsureness, and feeling lost that most of us have felt. While there may be issues about the marriage and the breakup that are similar or the same...the gist is that, it is about loss. The loss of the dream of what could have been, what would have been, might have been, feeling as if you failed, no matter how RIGHT you know your decision is.
I can tell you that my feelings and position were about the same as yours just 4 months ago. I have since reconciled with many issues. I was only married a year, and my divorce is not yet close to final. (resistance to terms on SBTX's part).
All I can assure you is that what your are experiencing is totally normal. The feelings are normal and you are likely right where you should be now. Hurt, anger and sadness prevail, all at random different and unpredictable times.
You can be on top of the world one moment and feel at the bottom of the heap the next.
I've come a long ways in just 4 months. I know it's the right thing, even though there are still parts of the decision, and parts of the marriage that cause me great pain to even think of. It is never an easy choice, even though it may be the 'right' one.
All I can say is there are people here for you, and that things do get better with time. (That probably doens't help now though :) ) - -But they do.
Regardless of who's decision divorce is, you will learn a lot about yourself over the next year,...and it will come with tremendous growth, but not without a lot of tears.
If you haven't tried individual counseling, just for your self, you may want to start there. That can help move the process along, rather than getting stuck, and help you sort out your feelings and make sense and good information of them.
Good luck, and Welcome :)
Hugs, (((sid-sid)))
I had a dream that I was on my bended knee, pleading for my husband to come back to me. Crying. Lamenting. It was so intense. And when I awoke, alone in bed, I felt so terrific. I new the answer was no.
I had to do that.
And so will you.
My best crying jag was in a dream. But they did happen outside of dreams too.
Thnking of you
gale4c_gail
I totally 100% understand where you are coming from, and know that you are not alone.
I have been married 20 years with 3 kids age 18, 16 and 13. For the first 8 my dh was drug/alcohol addicted. He has been clean now for 12 years , but it still effects your marriage. I got married at 21 after a total of 11 months knowing each other. Got engaged in 3 months!!
Anyway, here I am 41 and totally 100% flat broke. I had a business that took us down financially and we filed bankruptcy back in June. I now work and 8$ an hour job and he is the one who makes money. March of 2005 I had told him I wanted a divorce because i knew I had simply fallen out of love with him. He works hard, is in general a decent guy, but ugly things just rear there head that I can't get over anymore. I workout alot and he will say "no matter how much you work out, you will always be ugly" When our kids don't do well in school he says "they are loosers and will always be loosers. I am done with them, you deal with them" and he will just ignore everyone. Honestly, it just goes on and on. I told him I had recently started seeing a therapist (which has helped me with my guilt in wanting to leave.) He told me "you are f***ed in the head, your a crazy person" etc. On top of it, we have no common interest, different dreams etc.
When I told him I wanted a divorce, he begged me to stay,,,,,,,,,said he would work on things. After 3x at the martial counselors he quit saying "they are stupid and just want our money and have no idea what they are talking about"
So, I am at the point where I just give up. I don't love him, he lives in denial and is totally insecure. Plus, he is 10 years old then me and we are just at different stages of our life. Honestly, this whole story is more complicated then I can write here.
But my point is, despite how he treats me, I feel guilty in wanting to leave. I feel like he doesn' beat me, puts a roof over my head..........so why should I leave.
But, as my therapist told me........there is nothing wrong in wanting a relationship that is fulfilling on more then a material level. This has been a hard lesson for me to accept but I finally am. She has been giving me little homework assingments like documenting our conversations (we don't speak much) to open my eyes to the fact that our daily conversations consist of talking about the weather, work and our dog. We don't socialize, have any friends jointly. If I go to coffee with my girlfriends he gets all jealous and ticked off I am out. He actually had the gull to tell me once "A married women your age shouldn't be out running the streets at night" I had been at Starbucks 2 miles from our house till 10 p.m. and he knew where I was. I go out usually 2-3 a month with my friends. I don't drink or smoke so its not like I am out partying. I feel captive sometimes and I am just not gonna live like that anymore.
So, I understand your guilt.........and also your exuberance at being alone cuz I am at the same place.
If you want to email me for support through this and I can also clue you in on what my therapist says.........just let me know and I will give you my email.
Hugs!!