Jealous...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Jealous...
8
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 4:23pm
Hi all,
Sometimes coming to this board makes me sad... I see all of you whose exes are still in contact with you, who won't leave you alone, even if they make you so mad you could strangle them. Mine walked away, and that was it. It was as though he turned his feeling off like a lightswitch. I've wondered and waited to have that regret-filled phone call, that drunken call, the "I had a bad day and am calling to take it out on you" call, but nope, nothing. I always knew he had a lot of will power, but this is ridiculous. The one year separation date is looming, (june 19) and it's started bugging me again - will he call? Does he remember? Will he help pay for the divorce?
I went through the calls on my end, but nothing from his. I guess he really has moved on completely. Feels cold, though. Really cold. I guess he really didn't love me.
Man. This sucks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
In reply to: browngirlie
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 5:12pm

Although it is easy to assume that our spouse who left didn't love us, try not to. It doesn't do anyone any good at all.


Bottom line is they DID love us at one time. If they didn't they would not have stayed with us so long. People change, he changed. He ISNT the same person you married and you already know you love the person you married.... accept that he ISNT that person anymore and move on.


It is sad. It is terribly sad that he has the "lightswitch syndrome" that all of our ex's have. Understand that is NOT your fault now nor will it ever be! Remember, EVERYTHING happens for a reason.


Hugs sweetie, it does get better.


Angelena


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
In reply to: browngirlie
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 5:13pm

I'm sorry. In my case, I'm the one who's walking out, but I've tried talking to my soon to be STBX in an effort to get him to talk to me--to say something to make me think there's hope so I can shut down this whole process. He's just shut down on me. Emotionally he's not there anymore. I can't get him to talk to me about anything.

Some men are just like that--they end things and that's it. Walls go up. Nothing gets through. No desire, no matter how much time you've spent together or how important you were to each other once--to maintain contact.

Hang in there!
Marianna

http://marisonestepatatimedivorceblog.blogspot.com/

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
In reply to: browngirlie
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 5:31pm

Hello Browngirlie,

Your post struck me because when I was getting divorced, it really bugged me that my exhusband seemed to be fine without me. How dare he!!! In a way it really hurt my feelings.

See, we broke up on a Saturday (a very dramatic ring-throwing event, actually) and even though I was hurt and in pain and scared, my mom gave me the best advice she had ever given me. She said, "The sooner you take action and do something to end this silliness of a marriage, the sooner you will feel better about yourself. You don't see it now, but in the future you will. Stand up for yourself." I couldn't see it at the time, but since I was flying blind, I figured it was better than no advice at all.

On Monday I contacted a lawyer. On Thursday he got divorce papers and the whole process started.

Turns out, it was very important that I took action and put a stop to it all. I must pass on the advice to you: if you have been separated for a year, it's time that you file for a divorce and put an end to the silliness.

Before I spoke to a lawyer, I wrote down everything I wanted. I wanted my personal bank accounts and I wanted him to pay for the divorce, I wanted the dogs, and I wanted the furniture. All of this was spelled out in the filing for a divorce. He should pay for at least one half of the divorce. If he wanted it, request that he pay for all of it.

Looking back, and now it's been nearly 5 years.... although I was hurt, I didn't let myself be a sitting duck... I took action. I look back and even though he disappointed me and it was certainly a sudden change of plans... it was true that the sooner I did something about it, the sooner I at least knew that I wasn't just "taking it".

Browngirlie, you must take action. You may never be completely happy that your marriage ended in divorce, but one day.... you will be so happy that you DID something for yourself. You will feel better about yourself when you stick up for yourself.

At some point, you must give up hope. It's not a reflection on you... but gosh... so many people in this world wish and pray for a new beginning... they're hounded and they're bothered and they are never given the opportunity to start fresh. You have that chance -- take it!

One other thing about the phone calls and hoping for his remorse and wanting him to call you... Sometimes we never know if someone has regretted something. Sometimes we fly by the seat of our pants. Sometimes it's really best that we don't have an exhusband hounding us... how do we move on when strings from a past man holds us back to the same place of pain and disappointment?

I constantly asked my friends, "Does he miss me? Does he regret this?"

Keep in mind that the last thing you want is a guy who won't leave you alone. It may seem flattering, but really all it's doing is prolonging the pain, and it's a way to maintain ego control over someone else. You will never have freedom if you are hounded and reminded of everything.

Thing is, we marry one person and we divorce another. If we knew the person we married would become the person we divorce, we probably wouldn't have married him in the first place. Everything in life is a flowing, very fluid evolution.

Keep all this in mind, sweetheart. When you're an old lady, this guy will be but a blip on the screen... just one of very many fishes in the sea. But to be another fish in the sea, you must give yourself the chance to let it go.

I don't want to stay in contact with my ex. To me he's no different from any boyfriend or acquaintance I had. He's just another person in the world I came in contact with - nobody particularly special... just a guy, really.

Take charge of your life, Browngirlie. When you're an old lady you will be so proud you did. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
In reply to: browngirlie
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 6:57pm

Hi Elysium,
Thanks so much.
I think you see where I am coming from. It isn't so much that I want him calling me and hounding me - I just want to know that he cared. I want to know that he regrets what he did, and that he has suffered through this process, too. That's all. I just feel like a brick wall came down and closed him off, and that he stuffed all his feelings into a bag and threw the bag out.

In Canada, we have to be legally separated for a year before you can get a divorce. So, I will be starting the paperwork ASAP... see my post under the Dollars and Sense section of this board... I haven't heard from him or seen hide nor hair of him since August/September. There is no way I can think of to make him pay for the divorce without going an expensive legal route, and even then it isn't guaranteed.

I guess that everything is really piling up. It's my birthday on Sunday, my first one alone. I'm turning 31. I met him when I was 20... Added to that is the anniversary of our separation on the 19th, and I am a mess. I am trying to stay busy this weekend, but it's hard, all I feel like doing is burrowing, but I can't let my life continue that way.

He was my best friend, and I filled my life with him, so I am trying hard to re-think who I am and what I like, and what I want. Some days it is harder than others.

I guess what it all comes down to is that I want to know that I mattered. When I found out about his infidelity, it was just about my undoing. I felt like the least important person in the world - especially since all of our friends went with him, and I ended up truly alone, and the last to know. It was a real blow to my self esteem, and I am battling to try and re-build myself. Sometimes the foundations crack, though. I don't understand cruelty. I don't understand how he could have done what he did. But as you say, it is because I am basing it on the person I knew, the one I married. Not the person he became, that I ended up splitting up with. The person I married was gentle and sweet, but he was bitter and hard. I wish that the anger would come, so that the indifference you feel would be closer. Or maybe I could skip the anger and go straight to not caring - that would be nice.

Anyway - I'm sure this is just a low point. I will get better. Soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
In reply to: browngirlie
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 9:53pm

You're not a mess.

You don't sound like a mess.

You just sound like a woman on the verge of filing for divorce.

You'll be ok. Guaranteed.

Other women?

Eh. so what.

He wasn't all you expected?

Eh. so what.

Shame for him. But really, honestly cool for you.

Embrace this. Sometimes people we pick end up being jerks. It happens. It's not a big deal, certainly not a reflection on you. It happens. Be better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: browngirlie
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 12:50pm

Hugs to you, browngirlie. Sounds like we have more in common than both being Canadian - my ex was my h.s. sweetheart, we were together just over 10 yrs, and he cheated with my h.s. "best friend". So when we split I gave up a lot of "friends", but it gave me the opportunity to make some new friendships with people I feel like I can trust to be honest with me, about say... my SO messing with a friend.

Things will get easier - it's natural to be feeling low on the anniversary of your separation, and also when you file for divorce, and you're dealing with both at the same time. I try to think of my separation date as my freedom date - the day I was freed from a marriage that was no longer working to a man I barely recognized as the same man I thought I'd married, and got to start my new life, figuring out who I want to be living for me. Do some special things for yourself that day, whether you go out somewhere, or just stay in, light some candles, take a nice bath and cuddle up in a blanket on the couch to watch a chick flic with some good munchies.

Hang in there!

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
In reply to: browngirlie
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 12:55pm

Honey,
You are not alone at all. Im struggling with so many of the same feelings you have now. Wondering if he's hurt about losing me, did I ever really matter to him etc. I think it's much harder to move on when they are calling, it keeps you stuck. When I dont talk to my ex I do very well and once I do Im crushed, hurt, angry back to some type of hoping things could change. It's horrible trust me. You dont want that emotional rollercoaster. So im trying to rebuild my self esteem. I made my ex my life and we have a 2yr old together and it's a real battle. I have good days and at times when I have bad ones they can be really bad. Everyone tells me to hang in there it will get better.

Hang on girl, we can do this together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
In reply to: browngirlie
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 3:10pm
Thanks, everyone, for being so great. I am really, really lucky to have a computer that allows me to access so many wonderful supportive people. I consider myself very blessed to have found this board and all of you...
I know we can do it together.