Just Beginning

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Just Beginning
5
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 12:42pm

Hi all,

I'm not sure where to begin. I've been with my husband for a total of 13 years (married for 5) and I have made my decision to move out and get a divorce. I have had one meeting with a lawyer and that was just for me to understand what everything will entail. My husband is aware that I want a divorce but he is hoping for a change in heart. The simpleast reason I am getting divorced? We want different things in life and we have grown apart.

I met him when I was 20 years old, we have one 4 year old together and we aren't really seeing eye to eye on life choices. He has over the course of 5 years, lost his jobs (stayed unemployed for 5 months or so w/o ever getting compensation) the first situation, I was on maternity leave and took an extra two weeks w/o pay (he and I had a discussion on this beforehand) what did he choose to do? Quit his job (not tell me) and stay at home with me...bringing in no money - which resulted in us losing our bank accounts (bounced checks) and getting into debt. It took him 3 months or more to get a job again...

This pattern has begun on average every year or so and will last for about 3 mos at a time. I would go to work (have held a job for over 8 years at the same company) very depressed and would seek comfort in my job. He in turn would seek comfort in his sports activities (which require registration fees (that we don't have) and spend many many nights on E - BAY (saying he wants to open an Ebay business). I would take the baby to daycare, because he MAY go out on interviews, when I get home, he's asleep.

In a nutshell, somewhere down the line he gave up being the strong, dependable man he used to be. Sports and everything in that world took over and I went onto the backseat. I would try to talk to him, with tears, arguments, in the end, it came to just leaving notes, that wouldn't get responded to. I never lost the baby weight and was in a mild depression state for at least a year. I never spoke to family about it (I have too much pride to confess anything is wrong)..and just dealt with it.

Moving forward, I had an affair with a co-worker (yes I know VERY wrong) started to feel good about myself for awhile, that I was able to live this double life - then I broke it off with this co-worker when he wanted to try and get other girls. My husband never NEVER knew about that affair...he was occupied and I was off his back.

Fast foward another year...I'm still depressed and now realizing that my actions were horrible and that I shouldn't have put myself in any situation - i decide I would try counseling (suggested in - got that response that nothing is wrong so not interested).

I decide around my birthday (last year) that I need to get out of my realtionship. It will be better for me and for my children (I have one from a previous relationship) and that I should try to do this on my own. I start to make my list - get out of lease. Tell him. Save Money, etc...and start to freak out about all the stuff I have to do & change my mind.

I meet someone (who we start out just joking, and having small talks, Hi Bye, Happy Holidays, how many kids we each have, etc) and I start to have strong feelings for him. We realize that we are falling in love with each other and I'm lost now. I don't exactly tell him MY issues at home, but we have similar histories of abuse in our childhood, we start to talk more in email and he invites me on a business trip - it is actually there over we both realize that we are falling in love and start to show emotion on leaving each other when we get to the airport. He makes no promises to me (which I want to start out by admitting) but he provided me with a different kind of strength that I CAN make my decision and I CAN move out on my own and live with the children - while I understand that it will be VERY tough on my financially, I'm looking forward to June(when our lease ends) to start a new life.

I know I was wrong..VERY wrong...and i know some will judge me on my actions, but the real deal is that I need and want to get away and start my life out with the kids...

Thank you for reading and I appreciate any feedback (good or bad)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: ann33yy
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 2:01pm

Yes, some here may judge you, but I won't. No one can possibly know exactly what it was like in your marriage. Like you, my marriage (first one..am married to a wonderful guy now) was miserable and I endured subtle and overt emotional and financial abuse over the years. I got together with my current H before my divorce was final. Until a person knows every detail about your story and life, they shouldn't judge. And even then they shouldn't judge! No one is perfect...everyone has made mistakes in their lives.

Sometimes, something "wrong" can be the catalyst for great change in one's life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
In reply to: ann33yy
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 4:40am

Hi Ann,
I don't think there is a RIGHT and WRONG that other people could or should judge. You really are the only person in your marriage, and the only person in your own skin - you know what you should do, what you should have done, what you would regret or not.

Sometimes the only way to cope is to get re-assurance that you can do it - it is so needed inside that otherwise one is unable to cope with decisions.

At this point it may be good to split your decision from your other relationships. I feel that when one separates, it should be because the old partner is not right anymore (and I think the way you put it is very sensible, that you have grown apart... that sadly happens often), not because a new one has come along. If the new relationship is true and valid, your new man will still be there after you will have clarified the situation... otherwise, you will not have lost anything.

Remember also that a separation that involves a third party is often a lot more difficult and painful for all, that it spurts anger on the betrayed partner, and that anger often leads to litigation divorce (more expensive, more difficult, longer).... be careful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: ann33yy
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 8:55am

From your description your stbx does not sound like a person committed to be a husband and father. If you think your children will have a better chance a become whole, healthy and happy people with a divorce and you, as well, then you should pursue the painful and challenging process of divorce.

Everyone's situation is different. Mine is quite different from yours, for example.

We are here to support each other and share wisdom or advice if we have any.

So keep on coming by and letting us know how it goes.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
In reply to: ann33yy
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 8:29pm

I wish I had some sort of magic potion that could help me though all of this. It has been tough on me for a year. H has followed me in cars, hacked into my voicemail, even had some of the people I work with (he's on a sports league w/ some) or so he claims, to tell him when I leave.

My H believes that I am leaving for this other man, and I wish it were as easy as that. I truly do. The truth of the matter is that H has not been a very kind person in our marriage...I'm usually in tears in the bedroom while he is either on ebay or one of his sprts chat rooms. He has said many mean things to me (basically treating me w/ the same respect he would a stranger rather than a woman he has been with for over 12 years) He feels as though I am going thru a mid life crisis (albeit I'm only 33)
Since I have made my decision, I have actually refrained from sex, except for one time, which had me feeling horrible. I just know that he plans to use this relationship as his way to ruin my reputation but its ok...I'm not looking to win a battle just win my sanity back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2006
In reply to: ann33yy
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 11:29pm

My story is very much like yours. Don't feel alone out there. I am right there with you. I have been married for 20 years, with one child. I've been thinking about divorce for several years. I am in a relationship with someone else, like you are. And it's not the first affair I have had. Yes, some will not approve of this. But, you can't let that get to you.

I will start the divorce process soon and I am on this board looking for support and knowledge.

WE CAN move out on our own and live with the children. Yes, this will be VERY tough financially. We do need to gain strength from each other.

I'm looking forward to June, when all my debts are paid off, and I will start a new life.