Just curious...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Just curious...
5
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 1:14am

How many of you found yourself in a position where when your spouse began to see that you were serious about leaving, they started to do all of the things that eventually drove you away for good?

My marriage was always difficult. I've been trying for 6 years to make things more functional. But it really wasn't until I started to seriously talk about separation that my STBX went gonzo and did the real damage. When I look at things now; if he were able to accept that some things need to change and if we were able to change them- I don't think that the horrible things that have been said and done outside of the initial marital troubles can be forgotten.

Here's the example of the day: he says that "this" (meaning my wanting to separate) is worse for him than if I had died. Now, on some level I sort of understand what he's saying, but... am I just being hypersensitive in thinking that a statement like that doesn't show him having much respect or value for me- my life- at all...? Add to that the custody and financial threats and the case is pretty much closed. Is this a typical pattern?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cbote
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 6:24am

cbote...

Pianoguy thinks that "dramatic reactions" come in all shapes and sizes. And depending upon your partner...some of those reactions could qualify for A THEATRE GUILD, AN EMMY or AN ACADEMY AWARD!

Most spouses or SO's usually indicate several times that "things aren't right between us" before they take the next step....which could be filing for divorce or just taking a break (trial separation) for 30 days! So the reaction from the person who is receiving the BAD NEWS could be anything from ANGER to BITTERNESS...HURT to SADNESS...or a combination of ALL 4?

The point is...you've laid your cards on the table and indicated that the months of unhappiness have forced you into a decision. Whether your partner is genuinely interested in 'trying to fix the flaws' or blaming YOU for all the problems---really depends upon the amount of maturity he (or she) has, don't you think?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: cbote
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 8:34am
In my case, this is exactly what happened. For our entire marriage (and before) my ex was basically absent. He never wanted to come home, spent money like it was going out of style, kept saying since I was so mean he didn't want to be around our son because I was there, etc. When I filed for divorce and was serious (my second time filing), he did the same things. Promised everything, said he felt suicidal, went to counseling (after refusing to go with me....golf, poker, and friends were more important when our marriage was ending). Aside from the suicidal threats, theses were the same things he promised the first time I filed for divorce. I think a lot of it is just a tactic to wear people down so they give in...custody and money-wise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
In reply to: cbote
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 8:53am

It is odd that once the cards on the table things just seem to spiral. My ex is actually the one who wanted the divorce at first. When I realized things like OW, I said you know I have been really unhappy too and this is for the best for me too. Up until that point he was being a pretty decent guy, explaining to me why it was best for the divorce etc. When I finally "got" it and agreed he acted like I cut off his leg.

I can only think that up until that point the manipulation and control were on his side. When I didn't fight back, he lost control and that was that. He doesn't understand even today that it was what he did to me and kids during the "divorce" is what killed any feelings for him..not an unhappy marriage.

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: cbote
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 11:07am
A lady one Sunday after church told me, "I have been divorced and I have buried a husband, It was easier to bury my husband." I am sure she is right. Divorce is a lot harder because those of us left behind who still love are deeply hurt by watching you go on like we never exisited. I am sorry if this wasn't the answer you were wanting, but try to see it from the other side. Hugs, Brenda


Edited 10/28/2006 11:10 am ET by mebrenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
In reply to: cbote
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 8:41am
Well, Brenda, as I said in my OP I did see the other side. And if my STBX actually loved me, I would perhaps not be so insulted by the comment, but he does not love me. Anyway, my point is that I do empathise with his feelings, very much so, but his behaviour is still unacceptable.