Just don't want to be alone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Just don't want to be alone?
6
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 12:53pm

My STBX and I have been round and round over the past 10 months. We are together and then we aren't together and it continues on and on. We both know there are HUGE issues in our marriage. But we both have agreed to counseling. We have gone a couple of times but nothing long lasting. The thing is that we still feel so strongly for eachother. We both feel like we really love eachother but there has been so much that has happened that we don't think we'll be able to get past it. Last week was the final goodbye, I think. We both admit to loving eachother but also being tired of the constant crisis. I spent the weekend alone for the first time in a long time and miss him very much. I miss him now. Sometimes so much that just thinking about it makes me cry. I just don't know if the only reason for these feelings is because I just don't want to be alone so I am having a hard time letting go of the marriage. My family and his mother have expressed their feelings...they don't think we belong together and they don't think the marriage will ever work, etc. It is just hard getting through this period because I know I will be alone for a while and I will have to get used to it. I don't know what I am asking or saying. Is there anyone out there with any words of wisdom?

Thanks for your time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 1:09pm
Well remember this...if you guys love each other so much, you'll find each other again. Who knows? Maybe starting new lives and discovering yourselves will help you in a relationship in the future either with him again or with someone new. What you do know is that what you guys are doing now just isn't working. You didn't say if you have children or want children but certainly kids need more stability than what is occuring in your life now. Being alone isn't always fun but if you CAN'T be alone then you will probably always have trouble in relationships. Do some reading, maybe continue with counseling for YOU and get out and find new friendships and activities. It will get better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 1:37pm
Thanks, kbach. Any good books you can suggest?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 8:15am
Do you know what I did when this all started in my life? I would go to the bookstore and just pull books out and thumb through them. "Love Smart" is one book to try. Just look all through the area because you might find something that speaks to YOUR situation. I dealt with infidelity and so I looked at books about what that does/did to me. I also read some books on codependency because it just doesn't make sense for someone (me) to hang around when treated badly or when the relationship is so poor. It helped me to understand some of my issues and why I put up with it. Good luck with everything!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 7:07pm

I felt the same way you did and it has kept me in a horrible marriage for 5 1/2 years....it actually started just a week after we were married. I recently realized that looking too far into the future was what was keeping me there because I too, didn't want to be alone. Focus on what the moment...try not to look a year, a month, a week or even a day out. That is scary. Take it minute by minute and you'll find you aren't thinking about being alone.

I'm sorry you're hurting and have to go through this. Be sure and realize it's okay to be upset and to cry as well. It really does help to just get it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 1:58am

I was with my STX for almost 12 years. When I left him a year ago, I had never really lived on my own before. I had lived without a man, but had 2 sons. When I moved out last spring, I didn't move my children. I know have 3 kids, 17, 15, and 6. I work 2nd shift, and he works 1st. Was best for my kids to stay with their dad, my thought is better for them to be with parent than babysitter. I left because he was a bad husband, not because he was a bad dad. He is very good to our children. Anyways, sorry, I got off my point there for a second. It was very hard at first to live alone. I was so used to having someone around, even if it was just the kids. Sometimes the silence can be deafening. I have learned to listen to music when I feel alone. It really helps me. I have found a new joy in my freedom. I am finding that I like living alone. No one cares what time I get up or when I go to bed. No one cares if I don't feel like doing the dishes today. I have actually become a neat freak. Anyways, just take it one day at a time. It does get easier.

Hugs to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 1:29am

I think for people that are getting out of relationships being alone is the first thing that comes to mine. I know for me being alone was one of my worst fears. I was always scared that STBX would leave me and I'd be alone. I didn't think I could live by myself. I never had before. Prior to living with my STBX I lived with my parents.

Forced into the situation though, you don't have much choice but to learn to be alone. It is hard and scary. I know the first few weeks after my STBX left I was just scared stiffless. I dread the nights. Over time though I've gotten used to being alone. Yes, I do have moments where my lonliness hurts and makes me cry but I figure I'm sitll hear so I just have to hang on.

One of the things I have learned to do being alone is to think more about myself. I been reading a lot of books that could help me deal with my fears of being alone and not having a spouse anymore. I'm not going to lie and say it is easy. It is the hardest think I've ever done as I'm sure it is for you too.

One book that my counselor recommended and one that I'm currently reading is a book call FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY. It is a great book. It really does help you view certain situations differently so it doesn't cause you unnecessary anxiety. I highly recommend the book

If the loniliness gets to bad at night, hope on line because it is guaranteed that someone will be up with you feeling the same way.