Just Filed and Feeling Overwhelmed by Guilt and Uncertainty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Just Filed and Feeling Overwhelmed by Guilt and Uncertainty
2
Mon, 03-24-2014 - 8:16pm

I am extremely sad and feeling unsure of my actions in divorcing - almost looking for some last minute validation which is sad as I should be 100% sure by now, but I am drowning in "what ifs" and rewinding the past and am spinning.....even though I filed and was the initiator who left husband of 10 years (no children).  We've been separated for 3 years but still talk every week and are still amicable and friendly.  We always got along well, he had a great job, etc., we traveled, had a lot of fun and great times.   We never fought and had an easy going life - maybe too easy going (I was the "cool" wife).  In a nut shell, problems that led to me leaving were as follows:

1. I am more reserved and I married the life of the party type of man who became successful.  He's fun loving and would do anything for me - almost anyways. ....but he's incredibly selfish and admits this 100%.  He stayed out partying until 3-5am at least once per month and some months, multiple times - a pattern that went on for 10 years, including the 4 years we dated before marriage. It wasn't frequent enough for me to explode, but frequent enough for me to notice and feel disrespected and became worried and up all night wondering "Where is my husband".  I put foot down over the years - but he chalked it up to blowing off steam after a stressful week at work or having a good time - he was the life of the party type.  After so many years of it, I became numb to it and fell out of love with him - he came home wreaking of alcohol.  He only binge drank on nights out, but never on a day to day basis, so it was hard to nail down alcoholism. Offered counseling and had serious talk with  him that this could hurt our marriage, but the pattern slowly and randomly continued over time.

2. Things were good for first half of marriage until we moved and then grew apart, developing separate hobbies, friends, etc. - part of this was due to #1 above.  It was a domino effect.  He stayed out late, hung over next day - I got up early, spent mornings alone while he slept.  I made new friends while leaving him to hang out with his party friends.

3. I started feeling neglected and lonely and as cliche as it sounds, I didn't fit in with his friends and their spouses/girlfriends and had nothing in common whatsoever, but fit in extremely well with my social group.  I started showing up alone to parties, everything.  I would ride my bike alone, do everything along while husband played golf all day then hit the pubs all night with his friends.  I met someone just before I got separated and fell in love.  I was starving for a relationship and intimacy.   It wasn't good timing, but felt like I met someone who shared same values and was mature - almost refreshing.  I've been with this same new person for 3 years now and they are now hurt because I haven't divorced.  They want to have a life with me and don't get why I am hanging onto my marriage.  I am at a critical juncture which is why I am bringing closure to this by filing.

I have gone to therapy over feeling guilty for ending my marriage, but I feel like I was a wonderful wife who respected my husband, gave it all I had, and now he says he went through a mid life crisis and wants to work things out, but he didn't try that hard the last few years and certainly didn't fight for me as hard as he should have before I left.

I am in a loving relationship now with my BF, but am scared of the future and thinking will my current relationship end in 10 years too, but for different reasons and will I look back at regret that I didn't turn around and go back to my husband to try yet again? Should I just continue down the path I'm on and look back and just smile that I had a good marriage for the most part, but it has ended?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2013

While I can understand feeling like you want a divorce, it seems as though your husband may be willing to get his priorities straight. How much stock do you two place in the vows you took when you married? The whole idea for making vows is because marriage can get messy...people let each other down, things happen that we never expected. But when you ride things out together, work on your "stuff" and determine to stay together, it really becomes so rich. If both you and your husband are willing to "fix" what is broken here, I would encourage you to invest in the marriage. Hugs!

~ sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Thanks girlnextdoor, but if he knew when we got married that these things were hurtful (staying out very late), then he shouldn't have repeated them over 10 years. When I finally put my foot down a year before I moved out and told him verbatim "I'm heart attack serious" and he got worse after that. To my defense, I know I gave it a lot more time than most people would have. The sad part of it all is I genuinely love and like my husband even though he partied a bit much.