"just let it go"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
"just let it go"
39
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 6:51pm

that is what my therapist said to me today during our session. I wish I could.

I'm wondering if anyone can help me figure this out. I don't want him, I don't love him (at least not who he is now), I don't even like who he is now. But I think about him a lot, I'm insanely jealous of what he is doing with his girlfriend. Why couldn't he do those things with me? he was always too busy...I know "just let it go". They bought a house are moving in a couple of months, buying new furniture for the kids rooms as well as theirs. (all the furniture in my house is used, I "borrowed" the kids beds from my mom & sister, I sleep on a mattress on the floor & have his furniture from his first marriage in my bedroom)..I know "just let it go"

What am I getting out of this?...I can't even see him when he drops off the kids anymore because there is usually a fight & the kids were getting too upset. He has no respect for me or "boundaries" I set up. I just end up getting angry & looking like the psycho-ex from h*ll.

Any advice? I would appreciate it, really.

Thanks
Annette

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 7:36pm
Annette, Don't you just want to thump people everytime they say that? I do. Mine says I will figure out how to let go when the time is right. My time is not here yet and I don't see it coming anytime soon. The big difference between you and me is I do love my ex husband and I do want him back. I am also insanely jealous, even when I just think he is doing something. I live in a small town and everyone thinks I need to know his business so they tell me. That makes me all the worse. It seems like he gets to move on and I am just stuck. He has everything, especially the money and the power. I would like to do something just for me. I would like to fix up my house, but it takes every penny just to live. I did make a big step this last weekend though. I bought me new underwear. I know it sounds stupid, but I find it hard to spend any money on me. (There's always something more pressing) I think this is step one for me. You might try it. Try taking care of you. Start small. ( I think I have told everyone I've met about my new underwear. LOL I am proud of me. I haven't felt that in a long time.) We have to find what we want and need. We don't have to answer to them anymore. It has taken nearly a year, but I am slowly getting better. I wish you the best. Your time will come.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2004
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 7:37pm

My father told me to stop worrying about him and to start focusing on me. I cried and screamed and explained how I just couldn't help it but bottom line was that he was right. When I started focusing on me and my life, I suddenly didn't have time to be consumed by him or his new life. Yes, it still hurts and I don't imagine that it will ever be ok that he moved on and I am still at the starting line...but you know what? Instead of watching him move further and further into the lead, I decided to take that first step and join the race.

Good luck!!! Know that you are not alone....

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 7:47pm

Annette,

I think that both of the other posters had some very good points... you will let it go when that time is right for you, but until that time is here, it will be difficult to do so... I held on, fighting for my marriage for much longer than most around me felt I should have, but eventually I was physically and emotionally exhausted from trying which told me it was time...

Doing things for yourself can help distract you from thinking about him some... if you know of a concert coming to your area that you would enjoy buy tickets and go, either by yourself or with a friend... try to find a new activity or hobby to start... by keeping yourself a bit more busy you may be able to focus on that more and by doing so focus on him and his life less...

Good Luck... it's not easy... and is definitely one of those things that I think time makes easier... the problem with that is it never seems to happen soon enough...

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 9:39am

I think it is VERY hard to stomp out feelings of jealousy. Often, they just have to run their course. Personally, I am a very impatient person, and I always want to be better TODAY. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work like that.

Two things help me a lot with jealous feelings I have - journaling and counseling. I know what's going on in your life is very hard to deal with, but I think any extra tools and support you have will be helpful. You're not alone in this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 12:58pm
The only one to know when the time to let go is right is you. Everyone has their own pace that they do that at. I have been holding out for a long while too. I guess I thought eventually my husband would come around too and see just exactly what kind of poor choices he has made along the ways. I never imagined I would be in this situation either, but i look to each day as a new beginning of sorts for something. When you have kids it helps a little--because being busy with my daughter helps alliviate some of the nervousness and anxiousness I feel with all the feelings and emotions that I am dealing with. Life does go on and there will be new endeavours for you and myself. Keep your head up and smile!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 1:14pm

hi there....

i know its difficult when people keep telling you to 'just let it go' and you would LVOE to do that - to just 'let it go' but you CAN'T!!

well --- i am not a therapist, just a woman who has been thru what you are going thru. and i can tell you that you DO Have to 'just let it go' , and you WILL 'just let it go'

but......

the thing is that you will be able to this at some point down the road.

maybe tomorrow, maybe in two months - there will come a time that you will be ready. don't push it, don't sweat it, don't feel 'bad' that you aren't there yet.

in the meanwhile ----- try, a little bit every day, try to start focusing on you instead
of on him. for whatever reason - he is no longer "your" husband. he has a new gf, etc. this is a good time to focus on YOU. make sure that you are taking care of yourself - make sure you exercise and eat well. try journalling. come here as often as you need to. take baby steps - take a bath, a relaxing walk, etc.

and one day will come and you WILL move past this. i promise...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 1:44pm

thanks,

I know is takes time..but is has been just over a year...maybe there is a time limit for the number of years you had been together?? 12 yrs..hmmmm 14mos? lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 1:48pm
Mine has been over just about a year and we were married 15years (together 20). Maybe like you said there is a set time for time together. Take care of yourself.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 1:55pm

thanks everyone,

I just think that I'm NEVER going to get "there". We're still "fighting" over marriage "stuff", but I'm hoping that once we get into court on March 9th things will
look better.

He just seems to be controlling me even when he is not here & that burns me to no end!
I can't give him the power any more!

I know I need to start doing things for myself. I'm trying but with me working shiftwork & him wanting to spend more time with his girlfriend (he is taking the kids less)I don't have a lot of free time. I bought some "work out" clothes, and I have a gym at work & 2 - 1hr lunches..I have no excuse not the exercise!

I'm trying. I just need to be more patient with myself

Thank you for all your support, It makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one who has gone through this or has thought this way.

(((hugs)))
Annette

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 2:01pm

I'd like to just let it go, but it sure is easier said than done. I keep picturing my stbx with his gf- holding hands and being intimate and I get really jelous. I wish I kad someone to lean on through this difficult time. My friends don't really understand and they act very awkwardly around me. My family is mad at him, but not really helpful for me. I have to leave my job so I don't have work friends to talk to either. This whole thing stinks, but it sounds like with time we will move on. Just know that there are others (including me) who are feeling stuck and angry. I have a good book that has helped (until the dog ate it!) called Crazy Time. My friend said it helped her. I bought it at Barnes and Noble for about $14 and it was worth every penny. Good luck.

Laura

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