"just let it go"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
"just let it go"
39
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 6:51pm

that is what my therapist said to me today during our session. I wish I could.

I'm wondering if anyone can help me figure this out. I don't want him, I don't love him (at least not who he is now), I don't even like who he is now. But I think about him a lot, I'm insanely jealous of what he is doing with his girlfriend. Why couldn't he do those things with me? he was always too busy...I know "just let it go". They bought a house are moving in a couple of months, buying new furniture for the kids rooms as well as theirs. (all the furniture in my house is used, I "borrowed" the kids beds from my mom & sister, I sleep on a mattress on the floor & have his furniture from his first marriage in my bedroom)..I know "just let it go"

What am I getting out of this?...I can't even see him when he drops off the kids anymore because there is usually a fight & the kids were getting too upset. He has no respect for me or "boundaries" I set up. I just end up getting angry & looking like the psycho-ex from h*ll.

Any advice? I would appreciate it, really.

Thanks
Annette

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 2:45pm

I really liked the book "Crazy Time", too. It helped a lot as far as figuring out why I was feeling the things I did and that I was 'normal'. Everyone does go through this at their own pace - most of my friends and family are mad at me as they think I should be over it by now (been divorced 2 years now) and they can't understand why I can't 'let it go'. I know I don't want my ex back - I think it is just the hopes and dreams I had when I first fell in love and married him that I am having a hard time letting go of.

I also know a lot of my energy and concern gets put to worrying about how they are treating my son when he is with them. It is hard to 'share' my son with another woman when I feel like it was the ex that destroyed the marriage.

There was another book I was reading called "Letting Go" and that had some interesting things in it too. The only problem with that book was that it assumed you had no kids in the picture after a break-up - so some of the suggestions I could not do as I have to see the ex when we drop-off/pick-up our ds. But in this book, they did say that sometimes it can take a long time to move past a relationship - takes half the time that you were together. I read that and thought, yikes, it'll take five 1/2 years???!!! The authors did seem to think there were things you could do to sort of 'speed up the process'.

My ex is a jerk and was doing scary, illegal things during the marriage - and yet I still have found myself feeling jealous about all the gifts, trips, etc., he has been showering on the new gf. He has also cut back time with our son and gone back on his idea of someday splitting physical custody 50/50. As far as I am concerned, he's chosen his gf over his son and that burns me up.

I know I do not want him back and most of the time I am so relieved to be out of a bad situation - but I do sometimes wonder why he treated me so badly and is so nice to her. What I finally came to realize is that he has his own problems and issues in maintaining intimate relationships (i.e. it wasn't just me), he is desperate to hold onto the new gf and doesn't want to lose her - she seems like a nice, decent person - and I think that is what is driving his actions.

I also think she has no idea what it was he was doing when he was married to me and I think he is petrified she'll find out. Reminding myself of this helped when I had to meet with them to discuss ds. I looked at them and told myself, it's all built on lies - you know it, he knows it, she doesn't - and that helped me to dump some of the jealousy. No matter how good it looks on the outside, I know their life isn't one I'd want.

I also sometimes have trouble with the feeling of 'I'm at the starting line' and it sometimes feels like he's got it made. I quit work to be a SAHM, and that killed my career. I am back in school, working and also taking care of my son most of the time while he is off having a good time. What I remind myself of is that I am better off without him - if he ever does what he did again and got caught - he'd lose so much. I know I wouldn't want to be married to him and be hoping and depending on him to keep his nose clean.

I find that it does help to do some things for myself - sometimes they are little things like finding the time to read trashy novels or renting movies. Exercise helps - I am learning taekwondo and I just love getting to blow off lots of steam doing that!

Hugs to everyone here ---- we'll get through this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 2:55pm

it sometimes amazes me how similar our stories can be..I am or have felt the exact same feeling ...my stbx is doing pretty much the same as yours..I know for a fact that she has no idea what he has done, she has told me she doesnt want to know, it's "none of her business"...

he won't change...he will do this again (I'm his 2nd wife)...I just have to take solace in the fact that I don't have to babysit him anymore..whoo hooo!

I'm movin' on...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 4:27pm

I didn't read all these responses.

I get told that all the time!!! But for different reasons :.) Mine is a stinky father and has caused all these delays in our divorce. Have been seperated a year and a half. My lawyer and bf tell me all the time to quick letting his antics get to me. But they do. I hope they won't once this is all finalized. For a man who hates me sure seems to want to stay legally married to me.

I think you have some issues to work out. Jealousy is an ugly green monster and with that being said, the only person you are hurting is yourself. My ex looks like a crazy SOB by the things he does and I know he is just jealous that I have moved on and our son adores my bf. If your ex meets his financial obligations to his children and executes his visitation as expected and treats your children with love, respect and consideration, I think you should be grateful. You could have an ex that doesn't pay CS or pays late and rarely if ever sees his kids.

I hope you find the inner peace that you deserve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 5:09pm

As I read your post, I'm wondering if you've read


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 6:16pm

I think you are so right "I think you should be grateful. You could have an ex that doesn't pay CS or pays late and rarely if ever sees his kids."

I am grateful that he doesnt abuse the children, or me. I am grateful that despite the situation the children are wonderful kids

Unfortunately I had to take him to court to get him to live up to his financial obligations, and he still is not paying for medical or saving for school for the kids, despite making well over $400,000 in his business last year..he doesnt see them very much, has decided he needs time with his gf so he won't be "available" to see his children for 6 weeks. Oh I failed to mention that he is taking me to court to order me to sell the house and pay HIM $40,000 since he claims I made more money last year. (gotta luv right offs...lol)

I know there are women and men worse off than me, unfortunatley I still feel the betrayal.
I am working on not being jealous...I have 3 of the most beautiful children there ever was, I have a roof over my head in a beautiful home (for now), have a job that pays well...so what is my problem anyway???

I'll figure it out...I just hope it is sooner than later

Annette

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 11:28pm

Just had to jump in to say that I loved In the Meantime... I definitely recommend it. I read it once a while ago and am now thinking of re-reading it again...

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 11:33pm

actually after Karen made the reference I looked them up online...I'll try to get them at the library..if not I'll buy them..

thanks for the info

:) Annette

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 11:36pm

thanks Karen!

actually I have heard of them before..but I will look them up..

Thanks
Annette

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 5:35am

YES. YOU. WILL.


i promise you.


in the meantime - try not to focus on what you HAVEN'T acheived , and start to focus on every baby step that you take.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 11:16am

Okay you obviously have the same type of jerk (would say worse but this a public forum) for an ex that I have.

Let me give you some hope. I had a lot of friends be very supportive when I finally asked my ex to leave. In the end, one of those friends and I fell in love. As my mother says "He's more of a father to DS that his own father" My son loves my bf and he is very much a part of our lives.

I try very hard to not let these horrible things that the ex does get to me. It usually takes a day or so but I can let it go. I also know that if I carried that negativity with me all the time, KP and I wouldn't be together. I know this is ALOT easier said than done, but if you do not find a way to "let it go" you will never move on. I am proof that there is a life of happiness out there. You just have to put down the baggage to be free to have it. Again, this isn't easy. I still have my moments. I try to take some space and move past it so I can be happy and emotionlly healthy for the people who love and care for me. They deserve the best in me, not that horrible monster my ex brings out.